Bret Hart’s derogatory remarks about Triple H have come and gone, with most fans writing them off as “out of touch” at best and “delusional” at worst. As someone who was a massive Bret mark growing up and also a Triple H detractor, I have to say...those fans are not wrong. I’ll always respect Bret’s honesty, but whether he thinks he’s telling the truth or not, his comments aren’t coming from a place of rational objectivity. That’s especially true when dealing with one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, a Hart nemesis long before his involvement in Montreal. However, this isn’t just about his relationship with Triple H. It’s also about his relationship with Vince McMahon.

The onset of the Attitude Era was unkind to Bret. In-ring expertise and compelling angles were beginning to take a backseat to vulgarity and shocks that were completely unrelated to his traditional view of professional wrestling. Bret’s anti-America gimmick might have been controversial, but it was still rooted in the basic tenets of good versus evil. Even better for him, the angle allowed him to keep getting cheers in Canada and abroad, something he cherished. It was a refreshing change of character for Bret, while still being good for his ego.

Leading the charge into a wild, unconventional, often juvenile frontier were Shawn Michaels and Hunter Hearst Helmsley, the infamous D-Generation X. In Michaels, Hart had a natural rival and while the two men clearly despised each other they always respected each other in the ring. Helmsley, on the other hand, was perceived by Bret as a lackey, a tag along, a sidekick that was riding Shawn’s coattails. Hunter used his relationship with Shawn and his own increasing backstage power to influence booking, which more often than not conflicted with the Hitman’s own ideas. The Bret/Shawn feud might have been grabbing all the headlines, but Hunter, who’d avoided the erratic behaviour and drug abuse that coloured Shawn’s early career, was waiting in the wings all along waiting for his opportunity.

While Bret’s career was floundering in WCW (for reasons beyond his control), Triple H was rising through the ranks and improving in every aspect of his game. By 2000, Triple H would be in his first Wrestlemania main event, becoming the first heel to ever escape the big show with the world title. At the end of that year, Bret would be released from his WCW contract. In March of 2002, another Wrestlemania ended with Triple H as the champion; three months later, Bret would suffer a stroke.

Triple H eventually became the heir to Vince McMahon both personally and professionally, a role that Bret once envisioned for himself:


These days, it is Triple H who now finds himself occupying that “Babe Ruth” role. Add in the fact that Vince was like a secondary father figure to Bret and that has to be a bitter pill to swallow.

When Bret had his stroke, he was in his early 40s, around the same age that Triple H was when he was putting on classics with Undertaker at consecutive Wrestlemanias. Can you imagine what that must feel like? To see someone you dislike remaining relevant, wrestling great matches and having what could have been yours? Even the most humble and respectful person would struggle with that scenario. Everything that Triple H does is coloured by Bret’s emotions. That kind of hate will blind you.

I am in no way defending Bret’s comments. I consider the man an inspiration not only because of his wrestling career, but because of the challenges he’s overcome and the principals that he lives by. Unfortunately, those principals occasionally manifest themselves in negative fashion, as evidenced by his criticism of Triple H. Right or wrong, what positive outcome could there be to tearing down someone who plays a major role in a company you’re affiliated with? I would love to see Bret contributing ideas behind closed doors, not airing out public grievances. Bret has always been a man of great pride and he seems to think that working with Triple H is impossible; then again, we once said the same thing about Shawn Michaels.

All I ask from anyone judging his comments is to look at things from his perspective; skewed as it is. The life that Triple H has (PPV headliner, respected executive, McMahon family member) was supposed to be his and it was taken away prematurely. Worse, it ended up in the hands of an enemy. I hope for Bret’s sake that as new fans become educated about him and his legacy, he continues to move on from past regrets and missed opportunities. The old wounds may linger, but they only get worse when can’t leave them alone.

Last season was horrendous, (dumb bimbos, midseason switches, no real direction) and so I was hesitant to catch this season however it's been pretty decent. They've got some good favorites (Phillip, Cochran) and some good fans.

It's Week 5 of The Minor League review, which means that I've officially been doing this for a month now. It's something that I've greatly come to enjoy doing and I wouldn't be here without several people, so I'd like to take a moment to offer a few words of thanks. Firstly to zzzorf, if it wasn't for him organizing and advertising the current LOP NxT Tournament, I never would have found my way here. Secondly to Priest, because if he hasn't picked me as his rookie in said tournament, I probably would have just left after the qualifying round. An additional thanks also goes out to Mizfan who has helped me out in refining the format of this column in order to make it more timely and relevant. Finally, a special thanks to everyone who has come back week after week to continue reading this review and especially those of you who take the time to comment each week.

Last week I tried out a daily format and it got a lot of positive feedback and as such I'm going to keep it going. From now on I'll also be posting new entries as replies to the original one, making it easier for you to see when it has been updated. One thing that got mixed reviews last week was the "Watch It" and "Avoid It" sections. While many of you enjoyed it, it also convoluted the flow of each show and proved to be confusing. To help refine things, I'll be going back to my old format for the show recaps and adding in the new sections at the end. With the Minor League review being ever changing, feedback on the format changes is encouraged as I want to see how you enjoy things.

Now that all formalities are out of the way, let's jump right into the shallow end of the WWE with....THE MINOR LEAGUES!

Quick Recap
Sheamus defeated Cody Rhodes via pinfall @ 10:23 (***)
Mark Henry defeated Justin Gabriel via pinfall @ 4:37 (*1/2)

We kick things off backstage as Cody approaches Kaitlyn in the hallway. He hits on her for a bit and goes on to refer to his mustache as a "Lovestache" which I think I will be using from now on. He's cut off by Sheamus who gets into an argument with Cody about who has the superior facial hair. All this leads to a match and normally I'd complain because these guys just had a match on Main Event just 3 weeks ago, but they at least mentioned it here to fuel the fire. What got a laugh out of me is when Cody referred to losing their prior match as a fluke. I'm a pretty big Cody Rhodes fan, but let's be realistic here. Shorter than the usual match set-up on Main Event, but it still brings some meaning to the match and I applaud that.

The match itself was great as usual. These guys have such a great chemistry together and when given time they can knock it out of the park. I would even go as far to say that this was better than their first Main Event encounter. I hate that Cody has been on the losing end of things so much as of late. I think he's got great potential and could potentially be a main event level star if given the chance. Call me crazy, but I've always been a huge Cody Rhodes fan and as far as in ring work goes, he didn't disappoint here.

Following the loss he was approached again by Kaitlyn backstage. I just assumed that the original segment was made for him to look creepy hitting on Kaitlyn and set up his match with Sheamus. However, it seems something larger may be at work here as Kaitlyn told Cody that "The mustache doesn't quit." I have no clue what that means, but it shows that there could be some interest there after all. I like the idea of a Cody and Kaitlyn pairing and I could honestly see it leading to a Rhodes face turn. He could use his mustache gimmick to rally the fans behind him and he's been a heel for so long, I think a change of pace would be good for his character.

Also on the show poor Justin Gabriel was given the death sentence in a match with Mark Henry. I'll say this, Gabriel lasted a lot longer and got significantly more offense against Henry than most do. That said he was very much a pancake after the match was over. This was your typical Henry squash, but I always enjoy watching him kill people so I didn't mind all that much. It's funny to think that he used to be the happy go-lucky Kool-Aid man on RAW and now he's one of the biggest monsters in the company. I also love how Henry berates his opponents as he dominates them. He kept asking Gabriel if he like kicking people and then yelled "So do I!!!" as he stomped away at Justin. I always enjoy watching Mark's car crash type matches and this was no different.

The show ended with a recap of the HHH and Lesnar stuff, followed by the full Punk vs. Cena match from RAW. I'd normally complain about this but there are 2 things stopping me from doing so. First, we got an additional (although short) match, unlike last time Main Event ended with a full RAW segment. Secondly, the match is just plain awesome. It was one of the best TV matches I have seen in some time, so if anything deserved to be aired again, it was this match. I typically don't get to see RAW live on Mondays anymore, but I made sure that I didn't miss this match and I'm glad I didn't. Although I skipped it upon watching Main Event, it's totally worth a watch if you missed RAW.

Watch It: Sheamus vs. Cody, as well as their backstage segments. Henry vs. Gabriel

Avoid It: Cena vs. Punk (If you've already seen it)

Final Thoughts: As far as original content went, I thought Main Event this week was amazing. The only thing that drug it down was the last 25 minutes or so which was all recap and replays. The stuff they re-aired wasn't bad, but we'd just seen it a few days before. The first half of the show though, is totally worth a look. 6/10

That's all for Main Event and today. Be sure to check back tommorow for NXT AND Superstars. Also keep leaving feedback to let me know how you like the new format of everything. Thanks again for reading and whatever it is you do with your life until tommorow, just be sure that you Make it a Win.

I’ll try something a little different this month and use the following key so that everyone will know what particular genre a show is.

# = Comedy
$ = Drama
% = Reality
^ = Mini Series/Documentary
@ = Talk
* = Movie
< = Special
> = Game Show

New Shows

The Bible - 3/3 (History) ^
Red Widow - 3/3 (ABC) $
Vikings - 3/3 (History) $
Welcome to Myrtle Manor - 3/3 (TLC) %
LA Shrinks - 3/4 (Bravo) %
Feed the Beast - 3/6 (Travel) %
Battle Ground: Rhino Wars - 3/7 (Animal Planet) ^
Restless Virgins - 3/9 (Lifetime) *
Wild Hearts - 3/9 (Hallmark Movie) *
Hindenburg: The Last Flight - 3/11 (Encore) ^
Ring of Fire - 3/11 (Reelz) ^
Family Trade - 3/12 (GSN) %
Preacher's Daughter - 3/12 (Lifetime) %
The Wizards Return: Alex vs. Alex - 3/15 (Disney) <
Tom, Dick & Harriet - 3/16 (Hallmark Movie) *
Wicked Single - 3/17 (VH1) %
Bates Motel - 3/18 (A&E) $
Top of the Lake - 3/18 (Sundance) ^
Splash - 3/19 (ABC) %
Romeo Killer: The Chris Porco Story - 3/23 (Lifetime) *
Shadow On The Mesa - 3/23 (Hallmark Movie) *
Married to Medicine - 3/24 (Bravo) %
Phil Spector - 3/24 (HBO) *
Orphan Black - 3/30 (BBC America) $
Mr. Selfridge - 3/31 (PBS) ^
Ready for Love - 3/31 (NBC) %

Returning Shows

The Celebrity Apprentice - 3/3 (NBC) %
Haunted Collector - 3/6 (SyFy) %
The Dead Files - 3/8 (Travel) %
Fashion Star - 3/8 (NBC) %
Grimm - 3/8 (NBC) $
Army Wives - 3/10 (Lifetime) $
The Client List - 3/10 (Lifetime) $
Loiter Squad - 3/10 (Adult Swim) #
Hell's Kitchen - 3/12 (Fox) %
World's Worst Tenants - 3/12 (Spike) %
Jim Rome on Showtime - 3/13 (Showtime) @
Flea Market Flip - 3/15 (HGTV) %
Trip Flip - 3/17 (Travel) %
Dancing with the Stars - 3/18 (ABC) %
The Secret Life of the American Teenager - 3/18 (ABC Family) $
The American Bible Challenge - 3/21 (GSN) >
Revolution - 3/25 (NBC) %
The Voice - 3/25 (NBC) %
Bomb Girls - 3/27 (Reelz) $
Happy Endings - 3/29 (ABC) #
XIII.2 - 3/29 (Reelz) $
Doctor Who - 3/30 (BBC America) $
The Nerdist - 3/30 (BBC America) @
Call the Midwife - 3/31 (PBS) $
Game of Thrones - 3/31 (Showtime) $
Master of the Mix - 3/31 (VH1) %

Unfortunately I don’t really see a lot that appeals to me this month. I’ll probably watch some of the mini-series events and Rome on Showtime but not much else.

What's up, CFam? February has been a fucker. I lost a week to the flu and another week to the anxiety of MFA application decisions. It is looking like two rejections so far with the final program notifying tomorrow or Monday. So, soon, it will all be over.

But you know what? You know what, February?

You may fuck us, but we fuck back. Sure, this column prematurely ejaculated itself onto the screen about five hours before it was meant to go up. But it's coming back for more. As am I. See, before the Triple H series, I would be worrying myself to death. I would be saying, but what if I don't get into a program!? I can't wait another year!

But you know what the Triple H series taught me?

Ready for this?

It taught me to stop being a pussy (eh hem. notthatIamapussyoranythingbutlet'sjustsayIsometime shavebehavedalittleweakerthanImaybeshould). There. I said it. But new-Shane, post-Triple-H-series Shane, has already found a MA in Creative Writing program that is 30 minutes from my house and allows applications until June. So if I don't get into this third program by Monday, I am applying to this other program ON TUESDAY!

How is that for progress? The CF: Columns that can change your fuckin' life.

It comes down to the elements I talked about in the Game Time Series. I have been living with mostly fire and wind as my elements. Very hot. Very intense. Very emotional. A bit flighty. But Mr. Triple H is teaching me to incorporate some sound-minded, practical, earth-driven decisions.

No matter what happens tomorrow and Monday--the show will go on, and I will be okay.

And. That is the thing. I had two goals at the beginning of this month. Write my first four-column series [check], and, because the Royal Rumble version was so well-received, write a drunken One-Man Madness piece for Elimination Chamber. Unfortunately, that was during the flu.

But as I said. Fuck February and fuck-a-flu.

I am closing this month with a drunken bang and I will get you your One-Man Madness. How very practical and earth-driven of me, no?

I will do coverage of Impact. I will do a rant. And I will even be joined later in this column by a friend and fellow writer.

And, yes, I have been drinking since the afternoon.

Ready?

I have been since 4 p.m.




It is currently 7 p.m.

Before the start of Impact, let me hand out some cheers and beers from around the CF/LoP for the month of February. Cheers, of course, are not a bad thing (they are a good thing). But the ultimate will be beers. The greatest accomplishment of the month gets a toast at the end.

Cheers to Mizfan, Mazza, and Hustle for helping with my Paul Heyman piece. This is a true story: I wrote that column on day 2 of my flu and have little memory of getting it done. The afternoon of the writing I posted a note asking for anyone who wanted to help to send a few thoughts. I added, I need these thoughts by tonight. Those three guys stepped up and helped save the day.

Cheers to Maverick for suggesting a Triple H versus Bobby Roode dream match on LoP this month. A couple of my buddies dropped the ball on that one, if I may say so. This, of course, will be a column covering tonight's Impact and it is because of Bobby Roode (90% so) that I have kept up with TNA for the last year. I thought a few guys were a bit dismissive of Bobby Roode and I fear it was because he has not received a WWE push. I've had this conversation with the GoodMan XanMan, but sometimes it seems the IWC has become an extension of the WWE Universe. As writers, we should push against that. There is a bigger wrestling world and Bobby Roode is one of the best in that 'other world'. His world title reign was part Ric Flair and part Triple H. He is the longest reigning TNA world champion and may be one-half of the longest reigning tag team champions. He is currently in a two-man group with Aries that reminds me a lot of the Hollywood Blondes. Which, of course, is a good thing.

Cheers to Zzzzzorf (not sure how many times the z appears in his name). He has busted his ass to bring us nxt and should be recognized for it. He is currently on vacation on an undisclosed island, so rookies and pros, please badger somebody else. And, no, not me.

And BEERS!

A toast to Triple R. If the other page had a column of the month, it would belong to Triple R this month. Instead, he gets something bett...different. He gets a beer bash celebration here. Let's begin. First. He did fuckin' dailies. They are EXHAUSTING. We are writers with lives outside of wrestling (most of us) and it is taxing to do this by the day. But second. Most important. He wrote something that we all should be proud of. Not only did he write about some of the greatest black athletes and wrestlers there are, but he told the story behind the story. He wrote about the behind-the-scenes situations that I always figured were there but never took the time to check. Guess what? It's worth the checking. There is a lot about wrestling that is shameful. Some things are neutral. But there is little I can be outright proud of. This is one I can be proud of. A great series, in the context of a wrestling series and beyond that. Drink up, sir. It is well earned.




7:58: Just made a run to the fridge to grab my last 18 oz. bottle. After I will switch to 24 oz. cans.

8:00: Impact is building to Lockdown, which will feature Jeff Hardy defending the TNA Championship against Bully Ray. I am very much a Bully Ray fan. Aside from Bobby Roode, Bully is one of the main reasons I’m watching TNA right now.

8:01: Last week I asked Mizfan if he would rather see Bully Ray win the TNA Championship and lose it to Hulk Hogan at BFG or would he rather never see a Bully Ray title reign in order to keep the title away from Hogan. We both agreed, consequences be damned, we want a Bully Ray title reign.

8:02: Show kicks off with Bully and Brooke entering the building. Apparently Hogan is at home with an injury. You know who I’m hoping is responsible for that? BULLY RAY! That’s right, all night: FREE BULLY RAY! Let that man join Tazz and Devon and Aces & Eights at the Lockdown PPV.

8:03: Bully is on his way to the ring and Tazz is missing in action.

8:04: Bully is glad to be back in the Impact Zone (doesn’t mention that the U.K. crowd and arena was better). Bully goes down the list of what Aces & Eights have done (ruined the wedding and injured Hulk). Guess how much of that was done directly to Bully: NONE. FREE BULLY. Let him be behind it all.

8:05: Bully mentions that Aces also took out Jeff (again: NOT BULLY). And he calls out Jeff Hardy.

8:06: Jeff is very hands-on. Hugging all his creatures. BULLY DIDN’T HUG HIS FANS. FREE BULLY!

8:07: A fan has a “Twist MY Fate” sign. Pervs. That’s what happens when you hug ‘em, Jeff.

8:08: Bully goes over his history with Jeff Hardy. Says he doesn’t want to get the title shot just because he is Hulk’s son in-law. Jeff says, and I quote, “I’m glad Hulk choosed you.”

8:11: Kazarian and Daniels come down and do some heel talk. Wait. There are two of them. And. Two of the others. Could it be? A tag team match later tonight.

8:13: Oh, Bully. You were clapping for Jeff and playing the face. I DON’T THINK YOU WANT TO BE FREE! HOW CAN YOU BE CALLED BULLY AND NOT JOIN ACES? Think about it, bro.

8:16: On a break. Got Jimmy Dean’s Turkey Sausage on Cinnamon French Toast. Takes about 2 minutes to warm. Gotta run, son.

8:22: A Knockout's Title rematch. New champion Velvet Sky versus Tara. Gail Kim says the blonde referee and Velvet Sky are in alliance because they are blonde and “breathe the same air”. Don’t we all breathe the same air? I think so. Velvet Sky retains in a short, little match.

8:25: Austin Aries is on the phone with Bobby Roode, reminding him of their photo shoot. A bit strange but oh, well, it’s 2013. Do what you must. Chavo “I’m not Eddy” Guerrero interrupts. Keeps saying, “You want to fight me?” and Aries keeps saying, “I don’t want to fight you.” And he says, “You will fight Hernandez tonight.”

8:30: Kenny King, “Where do I go from here? What? Do I look lost to you?” Kenny King asks RVD to tell America that he [King] is better than RVD. RVD hasn’t smoked up yet, and he doesn’t fall for that. He is going to make Kenny King wrestle him instead of making the confession.

8:32: Tazz is back in the booth. If you hated Tazz and Tenay as friends, you should hear them as enemies. Most uncomfortable, fragmented dialogue on TV.

8:34: Aries v. Hernandez. Aries goes for a sunset flip and Hernandez shrugs and watches Aries struggle to pull him down. Randy Savage-like double-ax handle on the outside. Aries doesn’t just look like CM Punk—he can copy Randy, too. To end the match, Aries tosses the tag title to Hernandez, as the ref takes the belt out of the ring, Aries hits Hernandez with a chain to win the match.

8:40: Joseph Park, who I normally like, is starting to annoy me. Last week we found out he didn’t know what a ‘rib’ was. This week he is eating ribs and making jokes about knowing what a ‘rib’ is. Some real Vince Russo-ish ish there. Sting asks Matt Morgan to be on team TNA at Lockdown. Matt Morgan says anyone affiliated with Hogan is guilty by association. Says ‘no’ to the offer. My older brother, who loves Hulk Hogan, tells me Hogan and Bischoff see a lot in Matt Morgan. I keep asking THEN WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T THEY DONE ANYTHING FOR HIM? I never get an answer.

8:43: Well, because that bastard RVD wasn’t ready to say, Yes, Kenny King, of course you are better than me, we now have a match. If Kenny King wins, he is the X-Division Champion. If he loses, he must leave the X-Division (whatever that means).

8:50: Pretty standard RVD match thus far. Kenny King is one of few (one of one?) who is in the X-Division and can actually work the mic. If he is kicked out, he should bring a discrimination suit. “Yeah, the X-Division is not about weight limits—it’s about no limits. But you can’t handle a man who can handle the microphone.” He could bring in ten years' worth of witnesses and let them talk to prove his point.

8:53: Okay. A big FUCK YOU to Mike Tenay, who, to me, is one of the worst commentators of all-time. In a world where boring doesn’t matter, maybe he'd be okay. But here is something that Mike Tenay does all the time. He TELEGRAPHS. Kenny King won. He is the new X-Division champ. This is the part where I would have been shocked. Would have been had it not been for jackass Tenay. He said, during the match, if Kenny King loses, he has to leave the X-Division for good. Those last two words: for good. Meaning, forever. When he said it, how he said it, I thought, Well, of course he’s not leaving for good. He’s going to win. Tenay is always doing that. Fuck, he is lame. Not sure how he has kept a paycheck so long. Might as well bring Tony back, too.

8:58: Fuckin’ Marine 3 commercial. Get outta here.

9:00: I dig the Aces & Eights theme music. They are quite unlike anybody else in wrestling. Not the greatest stable, but one mistake that is made is trying to make every group the greatest. Can’t all be.

9:02: Devon is looking pretty gangsta with his beard. Does he usually have a beard? I have no idea. Wouldn’t this be better if BULLY RAY JOINED AS THE TNA CHAMPION? Then Devon could say, OH MY BROTHER, TESTIFY! FREE BULLY!

9:06: Sting interrupts. All Joker-ish. “You want me to testify? I will testify.” He announces his team: Samoa Joe, James Storm, Magnus, and Eric Young. I will not go into the dialogue exchanges between Sting and Aces & Eights. If you like syrup-y-vomit cute, go back and watch it.

9:10: Kurt Angle is outside the building, now stalking Aces & Eights.

9:12: GUT CHECK!

9:16: Ivelisse Velez versus Lei’D Tapa. Ms. Tapa’s uncle is the FUCKIN’ BARBARIAN. Jesus. Ivelisse was on the streets and had a rift with her mother once, but fuck-it, if your uncle isn’t the Barbarian, you are the weakest link.

9:19: The Barbarian’s niece scares me. In the best way. But, yes, she fuckin’ scares me. A one-hand choke, holding Ivelisse in the air by the throat.

9:21: She just did the Barbarian’s kick. Shit is real right now.

9:22: Tazz: “She’s got that Barbarian blood in her, man.”

9:23: Ivelisse gets the tap out in a choke that didn’t even look like it would hurt Tapa. But, alas. Doesn’t matter. It’s how it was booked. I gotta come down. YOU CAN’T JUST DROP IT ON ME THAT THE BARBARIAN’S NIECE IS IN THE BUILDING.

9:25: No! No! No! An AJ Styles update is next. Was kind of hoping he’d never come back. Especially if it means he is going to speak or, god forbid, try to show emotion.

9:28: I need another beer, but I can’t miss this shitty AJ Styles update. Be patient, Shane.

9:29: Dear God, AJ’s wife is speaking. “People were scared of AJ”. They are still pushing that AJ/Dixie angle. Seems it took a toll on the family. “Is he doing drugs? Is he drinking?” HIGH DRAMA, FOLKS!

HAHAHAHAHA

AJ has a beard.

And I couldn’t understand what he muttered, but he wasn’t happy with cameras in his house.

Oh, dear. I can’t cover this.

I’ll take that beer now.

9:34: Going to start writing my rant now. I’m feeling it. Sorry, TNA coverage. I’ll get back to you when you give me a reason. Rob and Rob is not that reason.

9:45: If Tazz is the mouth piece of Aces and he is watching Kurt Angle stalk the group, shouldn’t he notify them? At least send a text, bro.

9:53: Bully gets along well with all his partners, be it Sting or Hardy. He is again making me think HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE FREE!

9:54: With the existence of the Aries/Roode team, there is little reason for “Bad Influence”.

9:58: Bully Ray and Jeff Hardy win, rather decisively. I guess tension is overrated.

9:59: Angle ambushes Aces. Takes the mask off [the main guy?]. We are not able to see his face, though Angle can. He says, “Holy Shit! How could you?”

10:00: I would expect Angle to tweet who it is now, but I guess he wouldn’t want to be a snitch.





About two hours before Impact, Mizfan volunteered to help with the column. He isn't drunk (I don't believe). But he gets pretty damn high off the show Community (so, that counts). Check this guy's method. After asking me if he could be on the piece, he followed it by saying (I'm paraphrasing): I'm watching Community at 8, so fuck you and fuck this column if that's a problem (he talks differently away from the CF). I tried to explain that I would work around Community, but he swore at me a little more before agreeing to help.

So, here are the final four from Mizfan




4. Any highlights from Community?

Mizfan: Tonight’s episode of Community was about perspective. It was also about being incredibly awesome, but that’s par for the course. History is written by the victors they say, and that’s always something I think about in terms of wrestling. Not so much in the sense of WWF beat WCW and now makes them out to be a universally inferior company, but in terms of those wrestlers who are pushed to the top are always made out to better than the ones that don’t make the cut. To me there isn’t a doubt in the world that Mick Foley is a better talker than the Rock, but he had the looks and was young so he shot to the top of the world and Foley, while well remembered, has barely a scrap of world title glory to his name. Mr Perfect was incredibly charismatic and great in the ring, but a combination of Hulkamania’s ridiculous shelf life and some untimely injuries kept him from ever being the star he could have been. By Ric Flair’s own admission Arn Anderson is better on the stick than he, but it will always be Naitch that lives on in memory. And now, in wrestling right now, there are a couple of victors and they are writing all the history. There are so many amazing talents who are world beaters right at this moment, but because of timing and looks, and drawing power, and blah blah, nobody makes it through. Nobody truly makes it through. So I just got to wondering what kind of history we are writing, and how will it look 10 years from now when we look back. Will we be happy with what we see? Does business sense translate to lasting quality? What will the testament be to the next generation? I’m not sure. We learned on NBC tonight that one man’s hero is another man’s Nazi, and once again history will be written by the victors. If what wrestling is doing now works, then it’s genius. If it doesn’t, then it’s terrible. And the weird thing is, people will act like it was always so, and there was never any doubt. Sometimes the world makes my brain hurt.

3. Highlight of the night.

Mizfan: I was asked by my friend The Mystic to pick a highlight from the latest edition of TNA Impact. For me, it was obvious within a few minutes that the highlight of my night was going to be Sting’s search for Team TNA. There is something awesome about team building, and I don’t mean the shitty exercises you may have had to do at a company retreat. See, once upon a time WWE knew how to build a good team storyline. I still remember every twist and turn of the ’03 Team Austin vs. Team Bischoff clash. Approaching different wrestlers, gauging their loyalties, strategizing… it was like some sort of ass kicking game of chess. Nowadays WWE will just one day in November slap up a graphic showing 10 men randomly thrown into a team match, but TNA went old school here. All night Sting was walking around the locker room, hearing pleas from Joseph Parks, conferring with Kurt Angle, being turned down by Matt Morgan... it brought back some great memories, and while the final pick of Eric Young is a little bit of a head scratcher, it still got me unreasonably pumped for the upcoming match at Lockdown.


2. Lowlight of the night.

Mizfan: I was also asked to pick a lowlight, and for a while I struggled to come up with something. I was going to pick RVD’s tired act, but then he (finally) lost the X Division Championship. I was going to hate on Gut Check, but I’ll be damned if the Barbarianess wasn’t actually pretty entertaining. But then it hit me… the lowlight of this and every Impact for months is that their champion is still Jeff Hardy. Now I don’t hate the Hardys as much as some do, but in 2013 to have a champion like Jeff amongst a sea of much more interesting characters is just a huge downer for me. The spectre of his embarrassing previous title reign still hangs over him as well, at least in my mind. I can only hope that some twist or turn will see Bully finally get the world title reign he has earned over the past several years. We can only hope.

1. If you could change one thing about Aces & Eights, what would it be?

Mizfan: And lastly, I was asked what I would change about Aces & 8s. Unlike many I have been pretty happy with the storyline so far, and I’m very interested in whoever their mysterious leader is still. Angle’s reaction at the end may have been clichéd and corny, but it left me wondering more than ever. It looked like Joseph Park was under the mask tonight, but whether that’s the true identity or just a stand in, I’m eager to find out. No, the one thing that I wish could change about Aces & 8s is a small roster issue. Devon has done well in his role, and Doc and Knox are great big men who were wasted off TV anyway since WWE let them go. Wes Brisco shows promise, and Taz… well, I have no opinion on Taz. But me, and maybe this is just me, but I would be downright embarrassed to be seen in the same club as talents like Mr Anderson and Garrett Bischoff. Anderson was a talent that peaked in 2005, and his utter inability to freshen up his act or improve even slightly in the ring since then makes me smash my head against the wall every time I see him still employed. And Garrett? Yeah, nobody likes Garrett. The kid just doesn’t have very much of… anything. Not too good in the ring, not very charismatic, not much of a talker. And yet here is is in the biggest angle in the company. Hooray? I think not. I almost wish his dad was back on TV instead of him.





Well, CFam, we are coming to the end. I have yet to say plain why I chose the Triple H series in the first place. I have given some of the reasons but not all. It shocked a lot of people that I would be willing to write about the Game.

Have you noticed that everybody hates the IWC? Even the IWC. The opinions are often so singular. It's like a bunch of people with nothing to say all screaming at the top of their lungs.

Not much community in that.

It hit me that sometimes I can be the same way. I have my opinions and sometimes I try to hold the whole wrestling world to them. When my expectations are not met, I sometimes bitch and moan and yell.

While encouraging mizfan to continue his fandom last month, it allowed me to step out of my usual self. Instead of being the same person, thinking the same things, and holding the same damned beliefs, I opened up a bit and let go.

Going into February, I wanted to continue that.

Even though I have often not preferred Triple H, others have. It takes a jackass to think that everything he sees is legit and everything everyone else sees is bullshit (unless it's about Bret Hart. I'm not ready to cross that line). Worse was I had never seen Triple H in 2000 and 2001, but I still held that against him, too.

So, why not watch it?

Even if I hadn't liked a moment of what I saw, it would have paid to consider what others liked, at least for a moment or two.

When Triple H returned Monday, I had 3 people text or e-mail me. One asked, Do you wish you could take back your series now?

Nah.

I don't.

In fact, I even liked Triple H-Lesnar a little better because I have been more open-minded. I knew what to look for. What to appreciate.

It was Moe who mentioned how Triple H didn't coast in 2000 and 2001, even though he could have.

It's strange. As much as we hate politics, it is often the ones who politic that perform the best/most. If nothing else, they want to be legends. They want to be remembered. They want to live forever.

February has been for learning.

I learned from Triple R; I learned from Triple H.

I do believe this: we reach plateaus in our lives, in our progress, in our thinking.

If you want to break out of that, you sometimes have to step outside of yourself. You have to close your mouth, stop your fingers, and open your eyes and ears to something new.

That is about the only way to put 'Community' back in IWC.

Maybe then those letters wouldn't be so fuckin' disgusting. Maybe then they wouldn't make us all sick.

February put up a fuss and a fight.

So did I.

Triple H taught me that.

He also taught me this: No matter what position you are in, you will always have to fight. There is never a time to become lazy or complacent. These last two years I have lived wishing I could be somewhere else.

Turns out that wouldn't solve a damn thing.

You have to learn to be okay where you are, even if it's February, with the flu, or watching TNA Impact instead of PPV.

If you're okay where you are, you will be okay where you're going.

If you're not okay where you are, good fuckin' luck where you go next.

So, yeah. I'm ready for whatever happens (or doesn't happen) with the MFA. I'm ready for March because I was ready for February.

And, by god, though I don't particularly care for any match signed, I'm ready for WrestleMania, too.

I'm ready for whatever.

Even Impact without the one guy I wanted to see.

No Bobby Roode.

(One last 'fuck you' from February.)

Fuck you back, February.

We made it.

Peace.

- Happy Birthday Today to Masato Tanaka, who turns 40.
- Happy Early Birthday to Davey Richards, who turns 30 tomorrow, and to Último Guerrero, turning 41 tomorrow.



TNA's back in the good ol' United States, which means most of what is known for tonight's episode is pretty bleak. Regardless, I'll catch you up to speed:

- Hulk Hogan determined from a series of matches that Bully Ray was the best choice to challenge Jeff Hardy for the World Heavyweight Championship at Lockdown. What will Hardy have to say about Hulk's decision tonight?

- Sting & Devon will compete in a Lethal Lockdown match at Lockdown, pitting them in teams of four each. Devon and Sting will reveal who will be on their respected teams tonight.

- In a 4Way Match for the Knockouts Championship, Velvet Sky became the new Knockouts Champion. Tonight, Tara gets revenge for being eliminated first in a one-on-one title match with Velvet Sky.

- TNA's Gut Check returns, featuring two new hopefuls vying for a chance to earn a TNA Contract.

So, who’s feeling that buzz of excitement that the month of March annually brings our community of wrestling fans?

Anyone? Anyone at all?

No, me neither.

WrestleMania 29 is now just a month away and so far I think it’s fair to say that the build-up (or lack thereof) has been broadly met with a sigh of disappointment by the majority of the hardcore fanbase. WWE like to claim that “The Road to WrestleMania” begins around the time of the Royal Rumble pay-per-view in January, yet we’re now in the last month before ‘Mania and we’ve only been provided with the knowledge of a miserly two matches that’ll be taking place in New Jersey.

Much of the exasperation has been brought about because of The Rock and John Cena performing their encore in the main event of ‘Mania for the second year running - but aside from that, are WWE really in a worse position than they’ve been in previous years during the run-in to ‘The Big One’?

There’ll be five more televised Raw events before WrestleMania this year, so let’s take a look at the episode which took place at the same stage as this past Monday’s Raw show, the 20th February 2012 Raw SuperShow.

Were WWE in as much of a mess back then as they’re perceived to be this time round? Which matches were set in stone? How many matches were on the horizon? Let’s see how the much-loved writing team were coping in their efforts to promote WrestleMania 28 this time last year.

The opening segment this week on Raw saw the returning Mr McMahon do what he promised to do and “have a fight” with Paul Heyman. This lacklustre sight of two old men hitting each other with a crutch was of course the gateway segment to introduce the bloody brawl between Brock Lesnar and the also-returning Triple H. This went down pretty well and guaranteed us a sequel to the duo’s SummerSlam bout last August. There are a few outraged fans who have no interest in Lesnar/HHH Part II. They claim it’s all too predictable and logical. Well as I’ve said before, predictable and logical is GOOD. For so long we’ve berated the WWE for their lack of common sense when it comes to booking matches which contain continuity, logic and a believable story. As long as the journey we’re taken on as viewers is enjoyable, the outcome is mostly irrelevant. A retired Triple H, beaten at the hands of Lesnar, coming back to the business to save his father-in-law from the beast is a BELIEVABLE story. Oh, and I could point out that the same dissenting voices were complaining last year that Triple H vs. The Undertaker Part III would be boring and predictable.

Last year’s opening segment of Raw saw an Eve Torres heel turn coupled with one of many, MANY John Cena promos aimed at The Rock (who wasn’t in attendance) regarding their main event match which had been confirmed for almost a year by that point. Just allow that to register with your brain. Around 15 minutes on the Road to WrestleMania were devoted to getting Eve Torres over as a heel. I wonder how that turned out? Surely she’s World Heavyweight Champion or something by now. I don’t want to spend any more time on the God awful Ryder/Torres feud; it won’t do anybody any good bringing that up again! The WrestleMania implications of last year’s opening segment were that Torres would cost Ryder in a pointless clusterfuck of a Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy match thus cementing her heel status and subsequent ability to soar to the very top of the business. Maybe. I think we can sum this one up as 1-0 to WrestleMania 29.

Both last year and this year, next up were the two opening matches of the respective shows, and both pretty much did their job and fulfilled their purpose. Sheamus defeated Mark Henry in Minnesota on Raw in what could loosely be described as a squash – the Rumble winner Sheamus had confronted World Champion Daniel Bryan the night before at the Chamber and cemented their match on the WrestleMania card. This year the floundering Ryback got slightly back on track with a solid win over Directionless Dolph, surviving interferences by Chick & Choc to pin Mr. Money in the Bank. You could argue that last year’s opening bout served more of a purpose as it helped build up Sheamus as a viable number one contender, whereas Ryback has gone over Ziggler but has no match as of yet at the MetLife Stadium, nor does it look like he’ll be in any sort of meaningful grudge match.

Now this is where things get interesting. Both curtain-jerkers were followed up by verbal promos which built up to big matches in April.

John Laurinaitis exchanged some terrible trash talk with Teddy Long in their equally as terrible General Manager rivalry, but during this segment ‘Big Johnny’ announced that because he was so forward-thinking and exciting, he was making the decision that the main event of Raw would be a ten man Battle Royal to determine the number one contender to CM Punk’s WWE Championship. It was clear to many at this point that we would indeed be seeing Punk vs. Jericho for the title (Y2J had already attacked Punk and cost him numerous matches since his January comeback).

And it’s Punk who remains the focus as we look at Monday night’s Raw. He stormed to the ring and went on a furious rant about how he is “God”, about how he is an “icon” and about how he is “immortal”. Like last year, we saw the warning shots fired in terms of CM Punk’s opponent at WrestleMania. Nothing is confirmed as of yet for this year’s battle, but it doesn’t take a genius to find a link between Punk’s diction this Monday and who that diction relates to. Yep...if you believe the stories, we will be graced with a CM Punk vs. Undertaker match on April 7th. One complaint that I’ve heard quite a lot about this is the seemingly short amount of time that Punk and ‘Taker will have to get on the mic and hype this contest. People, we’re talking about two of the absolute best. The Undertaker has made a living the past few years out of returning in the New Year and giving us a quite epic build-up to whoever he’s facing at any given ‘Mania in the space of around five or six weeks. His mic work with Triple H in such a small window of time remains some of the best mic work I've heard in my lifetime.

I can agree with and understand the argument that Punk losing (as he surely will do) for the third PPV in a row will seriously damage his credibility but this guy has continually bounced back and risen from the ashes after burials and poor booking decisions by WWE. He can do so again and completely reinvent his character if needed.

Either way, the fans have been provided with two amazing attractions in their own right for the past two years with Punk and Jericho putting on a clinic, and Punk and Undertaker definitely to do the same albeit in a different way.

And now we reach a point where this year’s Raw is actually overshadowing last year’s attempt. Whilst the 20th February episode was a two-hour show filled with unimportant and irrelevant matches like Kelly Kelly and Aksana vs. The Bella Twins, David Otunga vs. Ezekiel Jackson and Kofi & R-Truth vs. Primo & Epico, Monday’s spectacle presented Miz TV with the two most controversial figures of the moment in Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger. The two subtly racist Real Americans are making the news outside of WWE, and as far as I’m concerned all publicity is good publicity. Thousands of people will have tuned in to this portion of the show for many reasons – Swagger’s recent arrest, how it would affect his push (if at all), Colter and his venomous bile, and WWE’s response to Glenn Beck’s insults of the company. Aside from a sly dig at Beck, the promo was very much ‘business as usual’ aimed at World Champ Alberto Del Rio; it did a great job of getting the sympathy vote for babyface Del Rio and the advancement of this racism storyline continues to impress and intrigue me.

Some have criticised WWE’s reply to Beck where they broke the fourth wall and basically admitted that Del Rio is going to win at ‘Mania. I can see that side of the debate but Colter speaks so fluidly and comfortably that I was able to suspend my resulting disbelief enough to enjoy the promo. Just like last year’s World Title match SHOULD have been, this year’s World Title fight should be a solid wrestling match.

In the interest of fairness, this Monday’s Raw wasn’t without its own filler matches including Orton vs. Cesaro, Truth vs. Rhodes and Henry vs. Khali although that is somewhat understandable with a three-hour show and a lot of dead time to gap-fill. As long as WWE prefer to show recaps and repeats instead of giving the airtime to rookies and the lower echelons of the roster like Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd and Heath Slater, then we're going to be stuck with the most pointless of matches and segments.

The contest then swings back into the balance as the timeslot this Monday which saw The Shield cutting an entertaining promo aimed at building their sure-fire ‘Mania match with some random team of Sheamus/Orton/Ryback/Jericho/Big Show/Team Hell No was bettered by last year’s promo, in roughly the same timeslot, which featured The Undertaker baiting a reluctant Triple H into fighting him in what was quite simply brilliantly effective verbiage by The Deadman.

Both main events in each show were matches to settle the matter of who would be facing off against the WWE Champion. The earlier mentioned Battle Royal saw Chris Jericho triumph and continue on his collision course with Punk, whilst we were treated to one of the best matches I’ve ever seen this week in the form of Punk vs. John Cena.

And again, I go back to the anger at the predictability of all this. Nobody was complaining last year when Jericho PREDICTABLY won a #1 Contenders match which enabled him to compete with Punk. But for the past few days I’ve seen comments everywhere that Cena defeating Punk was too predictable, boring and dull. I’ll call it logical and brilliant. John Cena has had trouble for years trying to beat CM Punk. Cena was on the losing team at the last pay-per-view against three new talents. It made complete sense for the Superman of the company to head into Wrestlemania by getting his mojo back and seeing off a game Punk in an instant classic. Yes, it's another loss for Punk but to me that shows incredible faith in the guy from a WWE perspective that they know they can rely on him as THE man to the point where wins and losses don't matter. An interruption by The Undertaker – as some called for – was frankly a stupid idea which would just delay the inevitable of Cena finally cleanly besting Punk. Sure, Punk would have more ammunition in his conspiracy promos if he were to lost only after an interference but that isn’t the direction he’s going in. Which is why he cut the promo earlier on in the night where he only just stopped short of calling out Undertaker. That match will happen and CM Punk will be one of the main attractions of WrestleMania. But the cash cow for WWE at the moment is The Rock vs. John Cena II, as much as some of us may not like either man.


So were WWE really in a better position this time last year? Back then, we knew for sure that The Rock would be facing John Cena. We knew that CM Punk would be contesting the WWE Title against Chris Jericho. And we learnt that The Undertaker would be cleansing his “hell of uncertainty” against Triple H.

This year we know the fate of The Rock and John Cena, this time for the WWE Title. We know that Jack Swagger will be aiming to vanquish the Mexican Hero Alberto Del Rio. That’s all we know. Sure, there’s a hell of a lot of talent left without direction going into the show – Ziggler, Hell No, Ryback, Orton, Miz, Cesaro, Rhodes, Sandow are all names that you’d expect to see on the card, and that needs to be rectified by the WWE. But let’s not forget that last year, the only reason that a lot of the talent were on the undercard was because of the clusterfuck I talked about earlier, the General Manager tag match.

But take a look at what we’re on the cusp of knowing. Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. The Undertaker vs. CM Punk. The first thing that springs to mind might be “predictable” for some. But to most, it’s “WrestleMania.”

Two of the main attractions at the Superbowl of the WWE.

So... who’s feeling that buzz of excitement that the month of March annually brings our community of wrestling fans?

Anyone? Anyone at all?

No, me neither.

Well, not yet.

As I patiently wait for inspiration to strike me like a well-placed kick to the jaw, I decided I would start a new LPW Column simply titled (as you saw before clicking this post) THE BEST AND WORST OF LPW. There are a ton of categories on this thing and should you not appear or fall into one of the more negative sections, don’t get upset and try to burn down my house—this is all my opinion and like assholes, everyone has one.

The graphics this time around are shit. I don’t have photo shop or the time to really create graphics so I stole these all off of Google Image search. Should anyone wish to make improvements to this column in the future by crafting some kicks ass graphics for categories, I would be extremely grateful. If not, well, suffer these horrible, cheap images with caution.

Before we get into it the BEST AND WORST I wanted to take a moment to give you guys a little insight into my love of wrestling by introducing one of my all-time favorite wrestlers: “Hot Rod” Rowdy Roddy Piper. For me growing up during the Hogan era, “Hot Rod” was always one of my favorites. I loved his promos and the fact he wore a dress to the ring and still kicked ass time and time again, unlike other dress wearing wrestlers like Saturn and Jeff Watson. Anyway, for me, everything this guy did in the ring captivated me like no other. I still remember his feud with Bad News Brown and he came to the ring painted black on one side of his body! I mean “Hot Rod” is the original Texas Rattle Snake (sorry Stone Cold, but you stole Rowdy’s gimmick) and even went on to make kick ass movies like John Carpenters “THE LIVE.” Anyway, for the premiere of this column, I want to dedicate it to one of the best wrestlers of all time—HOT ROD!!!


Okay, let’s begin with the WORST section of the column. The reason I start on the bad is simple—my writing teachers always told us when giving critiques you should always start with the negatives and end on the positives—for encouragement sake. I agree. So here, fake ladies and gentlemen are some of the worst moments in the LPW from the current shows currently available online for your reading pleasure:

TOP FIVE WORST MATCHES:

5.) SKG vs. Watson/Parks (Pyro)

The reason I picked this one was basically the no show and the death of Parks in the ring. The match itself was fine and the ending with Watson cutting a promo at the end was all fine and dandy, but this match was a disaster.

4.) McDaygo vs. Daientine (Insanity)

No shows…you got to fucking hate them. We have guys bitching and crying about not getting booked (Marcus) and then when people are pushed and even get placed in a title match…a no show is just sad and pathetic.

3.) Andy/Marcus vs. Falcon/Blaze (Insanity)

Can you guess why this is posted here? Can ya? Yeah, if you guessed no show you get a million dollars…just call my cousin Obama at the White House, number: 1-800-Fuck-You. The sad thing is we all know how awesome Andy can be and, like my feud with him; his no-shows just kill all the momentum he gets. This guy has the ability to be at the top of his game, I mean he fucking beat Mass Chaos!!!

(Side note of awesomeness: I did too!)

But no shows and lackluster efforts continue to keep a great promo writer and character from achieving greatness in the LPW. For me that sucks, especially when I take partial credit for his win over Chaos, because he just got out of an awesome feud with Nigel Vanderbilt. I think that angle got the fans to root for him and gave him a HUGE win.

2.) Al vs XK (Honor Roll)

Those FUCKING ON SHOWS!!! This one had to be one of the worst. XK is a great promo writer and former champ, Al is a returning VET and these two guys have beef in game (IC I mean for those who might be slow). I think I, not sure for the rest of you, was pretty excited to see this match. But because of that retarded no show, what could have been a fantastic match wasn’t so fantastic. I’m not complaining about the match writing, I’m complaining about how an awesome match came off substandard on a pay-per-view no less.

1.) SKG vs. Awakened (Honor Roll)

Let me explain why I thought this was one of the worst matches…again, not the writing, but the actual match itself. I for one have been waiting for this match for months—ever since the verbal sparring began between Golden and Azreal chiefly. Golden is just like Ziggler in that fact he runs off at the gums more often than I do, and that’s saying something because I think I do that better than most people. Who was it that stepped up time and time again to try and knock him back under the rock he was trying to crawl out from under? Azreal. These two guys have insulted and jabbed for a long time about who’s the best in the company and of course, most importantly, about those fucking tag belts. Time comes for the match and I for one was super-excited. And then what happens at the start? Azreal walks away! I’ve complained about this in my feedback section and I also know the storyline behind this is only just beginning, but what a bitch move. I’m sorry, after all the build-up for Azreal to simply leave really rubbed me the wrong way and made Azreal look weak.

Another problem I had with this was both Awakened members wrote pretty solid promos! So if this angle was in place from the get go, why write? Here’s my issue…if they (writer/Awakened) knew Azreal was just going to walk away and leave Morph in a handicap match against SKG…had Morph WON then it would have made this solid tag team look pretty weak. It was, in my humble opinion, a disaster. I’m glad SKG won and I hope to see more of his beginning feud between Vadar and Skywalker, but for me this was the worst match of the current shows.

WORST MOMENTS:

3.) Watson no-shows match

For me this was HUGE. For one, it really helped establish SKG has a solid tag team, but it also really hurt Jeff Watson’s character. After this match, he got ridiculed pretty hard for not helping his partner and, because he didn’t show, getting him killed. Watson is a face and he’s trying to win the Pure Title off of Golden, but things like this just kill his character.

2.) Storme/Omega post match beatdown

It’s a small thing really, but when I saw Omega and Storme beat the fuck out of Al (giving him a nasty pre-match BOO BOO, ha, I’m witty) and XK I thought it was great. The LPW needs to establish some serious, don’t fuck with me heels, and it seemed that’s what we were getting. Then after the match Eddie comes down and we have a 3 on 2 beating. It’s okay for the faces to get over (they won the match after all), but to have them getting destroyed at the end? Eddie could have come down to get in Al’s or XK’s face, seeing as before the match him and XK were this close (sorry you can’t see my fingers) to beating the shit out of each other only for Eddie to pull the slip and go after the two heels. It’s a small gripe, but I didn’t like it.

1.) Azreal walks away from the Tag Title Match

I won’t go into this again, I think I already beat like fifty dead horses now over this issue, but like I said, WORST MOMENT, hands down from the past three shows.

WORST TRASH TALKER WINNER:

For me this award goes to PAUL BROOKS. The character has been evolving since joining KOC, which is excellent, but his TT is just sad. There is no game behind it and most of the shit that comes out of his mouth smells worse than the shit coming out of my daughter’s anus! He openly challenges anyone and everyone and has no consistency at all when it comes to his verbal game. I think I saw him, post Honor Roll, and challenge three or four people to matches and for NO real reason. He also challenge Watson to a match and came up with some of the dumbest stipulations on the planet. If he wants to change this he has to think before he speaks—look back at my match against him…I tricked him into a match by making him promise to keep KOC out, but not once did he mention anything about VIRAL. I may have lost the match, but I think I proved that his TT is about as big of a joke as his previous win record. Come on Paul, do better!


And now for the:


5.) Mourn vs. Citizen (Pyro)

This match was pretty solid and just edged out Paul vs. Monroe in my opinion. Mourn and Citizen are both new to the LPW, but both have shown strong characters and writing which resulted in a pretty good match. And like all good matches, it showcased both men pretty well, so good job match writer!

4.) Storme/Omega vs. Al/XK (Pyro)

Even though I don’t agree with the beating after the match, the match itself was excellent. Everyone was in there hitting big moves and showing their ability (which is how it should have been, since everyone wrote killer promos). It was a great tag match and would love to see Omega/Storme vs. SKG for their precious titles.

3.) Nigel vs. Morpheus (Insanity)

This isn’t a shameless plug for my character, but I thought this match was good. It showed Nigel, probably for the first time ever, as a serious wrestler. Yeah he ran away a lot, but he went toe-to-toe with one of the best in the business and didn’t get squashed. It also showed Morph’s ability and resilience. Finally, and the ROCK says FINALLY, it propelled a couple of storylines—Phantom/Nigel and SKG/Awakened.

2.) Cynical vs. Eddie (Honor Roll)

It was really hard to do the top two matches of the past few shows, because the main events were all pretty amazing. Eddie and Cyn have had some great chemistry leading into this and their promos were AMAZE BALLS (thinks April). I had no idea who was going to come out the winner, but I know who did in the ultimate run—the fans! That’s right, the fucking fans loved it and it might be MATCH OF THE YEAR CONTENDER!!!

1.) X vs. TBM (Pyro)

This was my choice for best match of the current shows…it was a great read, had some awesome promos beforehand, and just left me speechless. X is one of the best in the LPW today, in my opinion, and TBM is one of the most over wrestlers in the history of the LPW. To get these two in the ring, and so soon after the draft, was a wet a dream. But it ended too quick! Where is the rematch? When is X going to come gunning for TBM again? I think all the fans are hoping and praying that those answers are all soon!

BEST MOMENTS:

3.) Austin Returns!

I wasn’t here for his first run, but judging by the response he’s gotten since he has…it’s all good. I like the character, loved his first promo, and the dude makes fucking AWESOME sigs.

2.) McDaygo stays!

For those of you who missed it, our dear McDaygo/Ash was thinking of leaving the LPW. Burn out. But Eddie convinced him to stay and he has agreed. The LPW should not be losing talent of his caliber…I mean, how many of you have been loving the DETHERGY storyline? I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard ever reading a promo.

1.) SKG wins the Tag Titles

No offense to Awakened or the tag team of Azreal and Morph, but they weren’t doing much with the tag titles. The real story for them is the father/son angle (at present anyway) and Awakened itself hasn’t really done much of anything for a really long time except slowly rot away. Though I complain about how the match went down, I thought the handicap match was pretty solid (good job writer). I would have liked to have seen a serious title defense, but regardless, we’ve got new tag team champions and that, friends, is a fucking good thing.

MOST SHOCKING MOMENT:

The winner is APRIL for winning the Whiskey Dick Challenge. Who said women can’t wrestle? I know it was Jeff Jarrett, but that’s besides the fucking point isn’t it.

BEST PROMOS

Though Honor Roll has already called it Morph, I’m going to rock the pillars of Heaven and say there are a few others that deserve mentioning, especially from these past two shows. Top five are:

5.) Azreal
4.) Sixx/Golden (their combined effort was beautiful)
3.) April (I loved it this week and thought she/he did something interesting)
2.) Eddie B
1.) cYnical

For the next part, I just want to mention that I love the APEX, but I hate the delays. I mean those things (graphically speaking) must be a major pain in the ass. So I’ve decided, just for mere pleasure, I’m going to do my own Top Ten wrestlers from the past three shows. So let the arguing begin!


15.) Nigel Vanderbilt

Why did I make the top fifteen? Because I wrote it you stupid assholes. Nah, kidding. The reason I put myself on is simple enough: I’ve been in the Main Event and nearly defeated the champion Morph, won my next match against Faye (which was really fucking hard), and earned myself a sexy personal assistant for the rest of the damn cycle! Though my win/loss hasn’t been that good (I lost to Jobber Brooks), Nigel has shown improvement in the ring and recently won TT of the year. I see big things for me—like getting my head stomped into goo by Phantom Lord.

14.) Big B. Brown

He did an excellent job in the Whisky Dick Challenge and came in that after a huge win over Ryan James. Brown’s promos have always been fun to read and this guy has the ability to become a huge star one day in the LPW should he continue down this path he’s currently on.

13.) Paul Brooks

Paul has been on a bit of a roll lately having knocked off both Nigel Vanderbilt and a returning Monroe. Though I criticized his TT of late, the character has finally started to shine and I believe in large part due to his working with other great talent inside KOC. I’m happy for Brooks and hope to see him continue on this tear for long as it lasts.

12.) April

I believe when most of us saw a dude playing two chicks, we thought—WTF! But the writing style for both Promo’s and TT has changed my opinion of him and his characters. April feels to me like a real chick and that’s incredible for a dude to do. I actually care about the characters and can’t wait to see what they do. In addition, April won a huge match at Honor Roll so deserves to be on the Power Rankings!

11.) Sixx

Sixx is an awesome talent. I believe I was a fan of his as soon as he arrived on the scene. Though he’s over on Pyro, I still support the shit out of SKG and my boy Sixx. Winning the tag titles pushes him higher on the list, but I don’t know if he can stay. Right now he’s playing second fiddle to the Pure Champion and his tag team champion partner, Golden. He’s got to step out from under his partner’s shadow if he’s going to remain a member of this list.

10.) XK

A cool character who can kill it when he wants, but occasionally fumbles big big (sorry just saw Cloud Atlas). He lost his title, won a tag match, and then lost to Al for the #1 contender ship at Honor Roll. There is no doubt that this guy can bring it, but after his recent loss what will happen? Will he get another shot at Omega or does he have to climb the ladder back to the top?

9.) Azreal

The Hellhound has been on a bit of a downward spiral in my opinion. First, his girlfriend (I think that’s what Lacey is supposed to be) gets taken out and his revenge against SKG is to invade their dreams. To me, I thought this was a weak sort of revenge, because…it’s just a dream and most people don’t remember them when they wake up anyway—even Lacey and April weren’t impressed. Then he is unable to protect his father from Nigel Vanderbilt who smashes the WHC title and then carves up his father’s face and steals his blood. Then, the real kicker, is he loses his tag titles to SKG after a walkout. Yeah, he’s got some serious building to do if he’s going to rise back up on the rankings.

8.) McDaygo

Love the character and would by the fuck out of Dethergy if it was real. Since Ash became McDaygo, everything seems to be lining up perfectly. McDaygo is funny with a mysterious background and a fucking pet monkey. That’s cool. McDaygo is the current Hardcore Champion and has beaten everyone who’s had the balls to step up—however most of those defenses, sadly enough, have been no shows. Other than that McDaygo is fucking awesome.

7.) Morpheus

He’s been sinking recently…sure he’s won matches, but he’s lost wars! Nigel fucked him up and he’s done nothing about it (will he? I’m scared to think about what he might do), his precious title was destroyed, his son betrayed him, his stable has collapsed at the seams, and he lost his fucking title. But what can be said, he’s fucking Morpheus and if anyone can rebound from this it’s him. With an upcoming WHC match coming up against his own son (Azreal), one has to wonder if it’s high time for this legend to retreat to the dream world for good. Time will tell at this point.

6.) Omega

Though he didn’t appear at Honor Roll, and rumor has it a bit longer than that, he’s carving a serious notch for himself in the LPW at present. Not only did he win the title off of XK, but he’s been killing his promos of late—who can forget the fucking rib breaking promo of the X-men! I think his reign at the top maybe a lot longer than most people suspect it to.

5.) Al Boo Boo

Al Boo Boo is back in the LPW, he’s one half of the booking team of Pyro, and he is your #1 contender for the World Title of Pyro after beating XK. Al has always been a great wrestler and as demonstrated with his first promo, hasn’t lot a single step in story-telling. Boo is on the up and up, but one man currently stands in his way and that’s your current champ, TBM. Also, you can beat that Mr. XK is going to want some serious revenge for what transpired at Honor Roll.

4.) cYnical

I’m not even going to try and find that strange Japanese symbol shit he uses, I just capitalize his Y to save time. Anyway, he may have lost to Eddie, but that’s not going to keep the current GM of Pyro down for long. Plus, what the fuck is going on in his world? We have returning zombie chicks, brainwashing, and murder! My, my, my, I’m glad I don’t work in HIS universe let me tell ya. The big question now is what is he going to do upon his return? Is he going to us his power to once again make Eddie’s life a living hell or is he going to move on to start a fresh war with somebody else? I guess we’ll see once the Living God or whatever he calls himself returns from his near death experience.

3.) Golden

This rookie has become one of the fastest rising stars that I’ve ever seen in the LPW and I have been here going on 3 years. I remember when he first showed up, I saw potential. In fact, I approached him and Sixx rather quick about joining a team and though we’ve done some ass kicking together, they have excluded the Icon from their little fucking click. Oh well, at least I got Monroe! But Golden is a tag team champion, Pure Champion, and Rookie of the year. The sky is the limit for this kid and I wouldn’t be surprised if he tears a hole in and body slams the sun.

2.) TBM

He is still incredibly popular and as over as ever. He’s funny and can wrestle, and the man behind the character sure as hell can write epic promos. His match with X was one of the best this time around and had X won, he’d be sitting here. TBM has some serious competition over on Pyro—X is still lurking, there’s Eddie, Al, and could Golden be coming for a slice of Texas gold in the future? Who knows?

1.) Eddie B

Though I have never seen eye-to-eye with Eddie B in game (IC I mean), he’s still one of the best wrestlers and writers in this federation today. His win over Cyn solidifies his position at the number spot and I’m sure he’s going to move on into some serious feuds and matches with…well, with someone. I would love to see an X vs. Eddie vs. TBM match one day, but that’s still al long way off, if ever. Anyway, congratulations Eddie!

Doing these lists is actually really fucking hard. I realized after writing it that I left off some very important guys who have done some great shit: Krimson Mask, X, Falcon, and Blaze. Next time, should time allow it, I might make this fucker a top 20 to get everyone I missed on it.

Well, that’s it for this thing. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please leave comments. Also keep in mind this is my opinion and should you feel differently you can write your own column about what’s going on in the LPW.

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What would you say the key ingredient is for wrestling success? Ability? Look? The truth is, whilst they both play a part, they are far from the most important factors in the product today. We watch Sports Entertainment, and the key word there is the second one – we want to be entertained, and therefore we need characters. Whilst pure skill may have once been enough to reach the top of the business, we now have a split far more in favour of character – 75-80% of a person’s success is down to the persona they portray on screen. Whilst it hasn’t always been weighted so greatly, wrestling has long depended on characters, from Buddy Rogers, through Ric Flair, Randy Savage and Steve Austin, then on to CM Punk or Sheamus today, and those are what we love or loathe. A good character that the crowd can get behind loving or hating is integral to making steps up the ladder – the lack of one is probably why Tyson Kidd hasn’t had a midcard title but Santino Marella has.

Currently, WWE doesn’t have those overt characters that we saw through the 1980’s, and even the 1990’s and early 2000’s, in spades anymore. Sure, we’ve got Brodus Clay dancing his way to the ring on a near weekly basis, and Johnny Curtis is samba-ing his way around Connecticut waiting for a call from Vince McMahon, but the Day-Glo characters that defined wrestling throughout its peak years are, on the whole, gone. Personas today are more nuanced than that, and the subtlety of them means that they often pass under the radar and seem generic. Take Antonio Cesaro – his character is a regular anti-America foreigner, right? Wrong. Cesaro’s character loves America; he probably grew up in Switzerland admiring it from afar, always wanting to visit. But when he got to the States, he discovered that the people there are horrible, and that they can’t write columns as well as people from the UK, so he’s bitterly disappointed and angry about it. He might be anti-American, but he’s not anti-America, which he still thinks is a great country, just full of people driving it off the rails.

Characters like Cesaro are what we need to get used to in WWE right now, and indeed a clever character was where my jumping off point for this column originated. In fact, it wasn’t me but our own TeamFarrell in a recent Raw live discussion thread who pointed out how great Paul Heyman’s character is. He’s absolutely right, of course – Heyman’s character pleaded with Vince to leave the ring because he knew what Lesnar was going to do the moment his music hit and he didn’t want to see a man get hurt. He felt compassion for a fellow person, yet because he’s also a slimy rat he didn’t want to put himself in the firing line to try and stop Brock. Yet I disagree when he says he is the most compelling character in the business today. There’s one man who stands above him, both literally and metaphorically, and he’s someone who Heyman knows quite well himself.

To me, the most compelling character in the wrestling business today is Big Show.

I’ve spent the past however many years thinking that Show should be stepping down in favour of a younger performer who’s far more interesting and mobile, which makes that one of the most confusing sentences I’ve ever written. I think it all started in his feud with Cody Rhodes last year in the run up to and aftermath of WrestleMania. You’ll remember Rhodes showed all the various WrestleMania embarrassments, and whenever he was shown one Show didn’t just run after Cody but he took it all in, saw the image and knew it was humiliating. Cody was a douche, and even after he’d lost at Mania he continued to rile Show – come Extreme Rules, Paul Wight would lose a table’s match in the most shameful manner imaginable. He suddenly felt all the humiliation wash back over him, selling it all with a perfect facial expression.

But what really sent this new Big Show over the edge was John Laurinaitis making him an embarrassment again on national television. Show breaking down in the ring last year in the run up to Over The Limit wasn’t only difficult for us to watch, but difficult for The Giant to watch as well. As he sat at home, seeing his tears on repeat followed by John Cena coming out without a care in the world, he clearly decided no more. So he joined forces with the man that had embarrassed him because of their mutual enemy in Cena, and became this huge, unstoppable monster. He deliberately sold his soul because Laurinaitis promised him an iron clad contract which meant he could do whatever the fuck he wanted – he never had to be embarrassed again just because somebody decided he should be.

So we saw the rebirth of Big Show: The Monster. But he wasn’t just a big dominating giant, because he always had this fear that he’d become the butt of one of WWE’s jokes again. So, for example, when he went up against John Cena he could say ‘I’m going to knock you out and you’ll never get up again’ to his face but at the same time he knew Cena was the type of dickhead who might drop excrement on him from the ceiling. Or against Sheamus, he knew full well that the KO punch was more powerful than the Brogue Kick because it was proven by ‘science’ on Smackdown. Yet he was equally deadly worried about whether or not the kick could knock him out, so when faced with it pulled a referee in the way. Not to protect himself from the move, but from the embarrassment of losing the title he’d only won three weeks earlier. The same was true whenever someone mentioned his previous 45 second reign with the World Heavyweight Championship – whilst this was just a taunt the bully Sheamus could use against him in the run up to their match, to Show it represented everything that he was trying to avoid, so he’d lash out in rage.

But Show came out of the other side of that Sheamus feud with the title still in his hands, willing to take on all comers. Cue our new Mexican man of the people Alberto Del Rio. Show knows full well he can beat Alberto Del Rio because, well, look at the size difference, and look at how weak Del Rio’s jaw looks like. And Alberto hadn’t been a dick to everyone he’d feuded with for the past 18 months, either. At his most confident, he walks into a match against an opponent everyone expects him to destroy. Yet he gets beaten. And instead of just coming out the next week and saying ‘hey, Alberto Del Rio, I can beat you when we have to wrestle again one-on-one, no gimmicks’, Show suddenly thinks he’s an embarrassment again and tries to get Vince McMahon to give him the belt back without having to risk being embarrassed in a match. But Del Rio now knows how best to keep Show off his game and that’s to play off his insecurities, which he does. When Ricardo threatens him with the contents of a bucket, Show warns him not to, but he’s not actually scared of Rodriguez – he’s scared of what’s within the bucket. Metaphorically, it contains all of his fears which just might get thrown onto him, and the alarm bells ring in Show’s head because he’ll be an embarrassment again. Of course, that first time, it was just confetti, and that’s worse because now because Show wasn’t actually humiliated – he was just messed with. The next time it actually was water in the bucket, and Show is embarrassed again, walking out of a match because he can’t bear to be in front of a crowd of people laughing at him

As if that wasn’t enough, instead of just knocking him out at the Royal Rumble, Del Rio and Rodriguez duct taped Show to the ropes so he couldn’t get up, piling on even more humiliation. And what does Big Show do? He lashes out. He destroys Del Rio and Rodriguez, and it’s not just because he’s lost a match, it’s because he’s so bloody ashamed of the way he lost that he needs to prove he isn’t an embarrassment any more. But the pair of them just keep on doing it, stealing the wheels off his bus and covering him in paint. The giant’s focused on avoiding humiliation, and when he sees Ricardo on the apron Show fears more shit from him – the distraction’s enough for Del Rio to gain the advantage and win at Elimination Chamber. Suddenly Show’s gone full circle back to being a joke character in his head – everything is a rib on him, like on Main Event last week when they showed flash backs to his defeat at Elimination Chamber. Show comes out and threatens Michael Cole and The Miz because he thinks they’re laughing at him. He knows he can beat the ever-loving piss out of whomever he wants to, and challenges the whole roster because he wants to show people just how dangerous he still is and that he’s not a joke.

This sort of multi-layered character is so much more than just a big giant running around and punching people out. Like Cesaro and Heyman, Big Show’s playing out this dynamic and compelling character who knows he has the tools to hurt people and win matches, but has all this self-doubt inside him from years of being left mortified in the ring, and fears history repeating itself. It’s an inspired character, one that should be admired and held up as an example to everyone of how to take everything that has happened in their career and roll it into what they are today. And this just doesn’t happen in wrestling enough – look at someone like Dolph Ziggler. He’s touched the main event, even one of the top belts, and had it all taken away from him so much over the past three years that he should doubt that he can get it done. Instead, he swans out to the ring quite merrily, cohorts in tow, just wanting to steal the show. Is that all he wants to do? He doesn’t actually care about winning the biggest title he can, just putting on a good match? I feel he should have this complex character going on, where he’s obsessed with winning the WHC, and yet doubtful he can ever retain it should he win. It would add depth to what is a very one dimensional character right now, as well as developing something interesting for the fans. Truth is that Ziggler is never going to be a dominant champion because of the type of wrestler, and character, that he is – but if he was put over as the sort of guy that would do anything to win, he might start to look like a legitimate main eventer; kind of like a modern day Edge, winning at any cost by taking advantage of the opportunities presented to him. It could work to make Ziggler a far bigger deal than he currently is, and look like a guy who wants, and deserves, the top spot for reasons other than his ability. Look at what a great character did for Cody Rhodes – people were baying for him to start main eventing after he worked with Rey because he was a wonderful character. Now that he’s been practically characterless for over a year, the furor has died down to a hushed whimper.

The fact of the matter is that a great character is what puts a wrestler through the glass ceiling their ability sets for them. Nobody can reach the top of the business today without having a character that the fans can really get into, whether face or heel, and that’s why it’s so important that WWE works with wrestlers to develop their character beyond ‘I’m a heel and I’m going to beat up this face’. While characters as well developed as Big Show’s may not be commonplace, now or in the future, there should be a push backstage for people to come up with these things, working with creative to build angles that play into their persona. Only with great characterisation on the part of the performer will that person reach the top. Otherwise, they’ll probably be stuck in midcard purgatory forever.

I can only hope that Show’s self-conscious wrecking ball is a sign of things to come – until then, I’m just going to enjoy watching him every week.

When I set myself the challenge of writing this series, I knew what I wanted to say with the first three columns, I had a vision for them which had a defined scope as well as a basic idea of how I was going to structure each of them into a column. Throughout the time I was writing those three columns, I was trying to think of a way to make this column more than just a list of things I’d like to see with a paragraph or two supporting each suggestion. Towards the end of last week I was hit by the required inspiration and started writing. And writing. And writing. Then I realised I’d written almost a whole column without actually mentioning any of the improvements I’d like to see. Even though that idea didn’t lead me where I wanted it to for this column, I’m almost finished writing it and will be posting it separately sometime soon as an additional off the wall idea for how WWE could improve it’s presentation.

For now, I’m going to get all the random thoughts out of my mind and do what I was hoping to avoid – I’m going to go with the basic list of improvements I believe WWE should make to their product. None of this is rocket science and I know some of the ideas have been discussed before, but there are also some points that I haven’t seen mentioned elsewhere so hopefully they are unique to this column.

To summarise my earlier columns, to date I’ve re-vamped the PPV schedule and got the WWE Championship off TV in order to have a single World Heavyweight Champion as the main event with the WWE Champion touring the Indie Federations as part of a new territorial development system. That covers the top and bottom, but what about the middle?

Bring Back The Brand Split
Yes, that’s right. The brand split is the first thing that needs to come back. However you look at it, the brand split was ended because there are a few guys that WWE wanted to feature on both shows. The way I see it, Raw & Smackdown should have their own roster of wrestlers that make up the majority of the people featured on those shows. There are loads of guys in the mid-card that get overlooked because there isn’t time to fit them all in, with an active brand split there are less guys to fit into each show so the low to mid card wrestlers can all get more TV time. The guys fighting for the World Heavyweight Championship and the part-timers, (i.e. the guys WWE want to be able to include on both shows) will still be able to appear on both brands, but most of the show will be focused on it’s own roster.

At first glance, you’re probably thinking that isn’t really any different to the current scenario and you’re right. However, I mentioned this first because it leads nicely into my second point:

Intercontinental / US Championships
Now that there is only one top-level championship in this alternate WWE Universe (I hate that term) I’m creating, more focus can be placed on these currently under valued titles. It’s generally recognised that these titles have become practically worthless in recent years, so something big needs to happen in order to catapult them back to their rightful status. It seems too easy to be true, but simply by giving a big name a decent run with the belt is all that is required here. Insert the wrestler of your choice here, but people like Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, and John Cena holding one of these titles for a while would instantly boost it’s credibility. The longer their reign, the more credibility is gained. With guys of this calibre holding the relevant belt, people would also get used to seeing the second tier championships featured higher up the card. Then when a title is back in the hands of an upper-mid carder (where it should be), as the audience is used to seeing that belt in the main event on TV, the audience will expect to see the new champ featured in that main event slot each week.

These belts would revert to being exclusive to Raw/Smackdown, each becoming the main focus of their relevant TV show. The way I see it, the World Heavyweight Champion should always be the main event match of a Pay Per View (Royal Rumble being an exception), but why shouldn’t the US Championship be the main event on Raw and why shouldn’t the Intercontinental Championship be the main event on Smackdown? You could even bring back belts like the European or Cruiserweight Championships to be the focus of shows like Superstars or Main Event.

That is the key part of this point. If a championship is being defended, it should always be the main event. With the brand-split in place, having a strong champion on each brand is vital. By utilising that brand split correctly and using the US & Intercontinental titles as TV Titles (for want of a better word) with the World Heavyweight Championship being the PPV title, all the belts become more desirable and have their credibility restored. The World Heavyweight Champion (and whoever he’s currently interacting with) would still appear on each show, but as a rule they’d be earlier in the show, perhaps at the end of the first/second hour when WWE needs to keep people from changing channel.

Tag Teams, Factions & Managers
The Tag Division is another which is often criticised for it’s lack of credibility, but another which I believe could be revitalised with some fairly simple changes. I’ve seen several comments over the years that tag teams should be actual teams, not just two randomly thrown together wrestlers that weren’t doing anything else. I disagree. Sure, I look back on the days of Legion Of Doom, Demolition, The Rockers, The Hart Foundation and The Bushwackers fondly but I realise that gimmicks like that just don’t exist anymore. Wrestlers these days are not the cartoon characters of old, the characters they depict are fairly ordinary in comparison. With that said, would it be believable if two wrestlers suddenly started dressing in the same clothes and possibly even changing their names to match each other? Back in the day it made sense for Tugboat to become Typhoon. Today, it just wouldn’t work. Can you imagine if Damien Sandow suddenly introduced himself as Damien Rhodes?

It doesn’t work does it? However, as wrestling becomes more & more reality based, what could be more real than two wrestlers being friends & sticking together in the long term? If everyone had a recognised tag partner, the possibilities for the Tag Team Division become practically endless.

I would also allow the Tag Team Champions to appear on both Smackdown & Raw, however much like the IC & US belts if they are being defended on a non-PPV show, the title match should be the main event on that show.

Factions & Managers are also easy concepts WWE simply doesn’t do enough of anymore. In exactly the same way that all wrestlers should have a recognised tag partner, they could all be part of a larger group of associated wrestlers. This would not necessarily have to be focused on gang warfare, simply a group of wrestlers that are associated with each other. These factions wouldn’t necessarily follow the Four Horsemen model, they’d be more like the stables managed by Jimmy Hart or Bobby Heenan back in the day.

All too often these days, as soon as any alliance forms between a group of wrestlers (or even just a tag team), it is immediately obvious that the only reason they have been put together is to create a feud between them in the near future. This is very short sighted and leads to far too many face/heel turns. By having wrestlers associated less formally but for longer periods of time, it allows for feuds to be booked over a longer period of time. The ongoing storylines for the main event wrestlers can be carried down through the mid-card by having the managers going at it and putting other wrestlers in their stable up against each other. Not only would this be a successful way of prolonging the main event storyline whilst also keeping the feuding wrestlers apart, it would also be a good way to include the lower-ranked wrestlers into the higher-profile feuds and give them more of a spotlight.

Longer Matches
Even if a main eventer is facing a low-end jobber, is it really so bad that the jobber be given some offence? Minute long squash matches should be extremely rare and only used in exceptionally-exceptional circumstances. If the low-card jobbers could show even a glimpse of hope in their matches against the upper echelon, they would instantly gain more credibility. The key point here though, is when two people that are both at the bottom of the card are facing each other surely it’s obvious that as they are evenly matched they are going to have to work hard to beat each other? How is that different to two of the top guys having to work hard to beat each other because they are evenly matched? It’s generally accepted that the main event will usually be the longest match on the card, but why? There is no logical reason for matches at the start of the show to be shorter in duration than the matches at the end of the show, so give all matches adequate time to really let the wrestlers display their abilities regardless of their spot on the card. As the matches get longer, that leads on to…..

Time Limit Draws
This is something that should never have gone away. How easy would it be to book a feud based solely on the fact that two wrestlers are evenly matched and want to beat each other? Time limit draws create the opportunity to make people want to see one guy beat another simply because they haven’t managed it yet.

A defined structure would need to be put in place, something along the lines of 10 minutes for a standard TV match, 20 minutes for a TV main event and 30 minutes for a match on PPV. I suggest it should be introduced gradually with a time limit merely being mentioned by the ring announcer during the introductions to start with. Over the course of a few weeks/months, average match duration should creep closer & closer to the limit. Once the audience have grown accustomed to hearing the time limit announcement, occasional matches should start ending as draws. I’m not saying this should become the norm, but using this ending as often as double count outs and other indecisive finishes are used now would be far more believable and a far better way of giving people a reason to have a rematch.

A feud based around two wrestlers having a series of time limit draws would also be the best way to build up to my favourite stipulation – the Iron Man Match. What better way is there to find out who truly is the better man that putting two guys against each other for an hour in the ultimate test? **** all the so-called Iron Man matches that were only booked for 30 minutes (I think TNA even had one that was only 5 minutes!). Iron Man means 60 minutes, anything less defeats the object of having the match in the first place.

Announce Matches In Advance
I’ve always found it somewhat of an annoyance that wrestling shows are rarely booked in advance. It is the norm for a show’s opening segment to be a promo that sets up the main event for the show. By then it’s too late – I’ve already committed to watching or not watching. OK, I guess I could choose to turn off if I’m not interested, but I can’t choose to turn it on if something interesting does happen because I wasn’t watching to know about it. In ring promo’s will always be a part of wrestling, however to make them more meaningful they should set something up for the future, not that evening. By setting the majority of matches up at least a week in advance – preferably more (barring changes due to injury) - viewers would be more interested in the longer term programming and WWE could actually include a featured match up on all episodes of Raw/Smackdown that could be used to advertise the show and bring in more viewers.

Surprises are good, but they only work if people are watching. By having a couple of featured matches pre-advertised to sell the TV shows in the same way they pre-advertise them for PPVs more viewers will be there to see it.

With a single World Heavyweight Championship and fewer PPVs, the booking for that title becomes more of a long term focus. By having the Intercontinental and United States Championships as the main focus of Raw & Smackdown, you can put in place some longer term booking where all wrestlers, including those currently languishing in the mid-card are fighting to be in the main event of the TV shows so those belts become more desirable. Raw and Smackdown could easily feature a three to four week build up to an IC/US/Tag title match, whilst also cross-promoting the two to four month build up to the World Heavyweight Championship title matches at the PPVs.

So the Undertaker is back. He returned for a house show and put on a good tag match. This is good, since he was good to compete then, one can assume he is doing it at WrestleMania, so my wish to be wrong has been granted. Now where does he go from here?

Sure he is supposed to face CM Punk at WM, but I in all my boredom have come up with multiple scenarios for him depending on how well a match he is able, If he can’t pull of at least a four star match it would be inappropriate for him to face Punk, However before I get to those, I have a few comments on his return.

• Glad to see WWE are doing all they can to make house shows interesting, sticking with the motto “anything can happen in the WWE” which has been severely lacking in recent months
• It may be a bit of a shame but I don’t think Sandow or Barrett are going to be on the level needed to face Undertaker at WrestleMania before he hangs up his boots and retires, so I am glad to see them have a nice match with him.
• If the company were willing to, I would say if Sheamus turned heel he would make a good opponent for Taker at this year’s WM.
• How the fuck wasn’t that match main event, he could have been facing JTG and Curt Hawkins and it would still be main event worthy, it is a minor thing here but it irks me.

Ok now that those thoughts are out the way, onto what I came here to do, think of some ideas for you all to discuss, so without further ado, we begin.

Now if we are going to put him in just a normal(ish) Mid-card match then here is how to do it. I figured putting him in a team with Kane one last time would provide interest in the match as it is the last time we will probably see them on the same page. So here are my scenarios

(Note all of the following scenarios require Hell No to lose the tag titles and break up, the degree of break up ranges from amicable to … let’s just say pissed off)

1. IT’S A HANDICAP MATCH BAYBAYYYYY.

(Hell No break up status: amicable)
So Hell No lose the tag titles and the team splits up, Bryan moves onto facing someone else (a possible idea would be to revive the American Dragon gimmick and face Cesaro for the US title). This leaves Kane without something to do.

On the next episode of Raw (or Smackdown if WWE feel risky) have Kane come out and cut a promo, during which the Three Man Band comes out to attack him, trying to gain some momentum by attacking a former tag champion. Then the lights go out and for the first time in months it has nothing to do with the shield.

Undertaker appears in the ring and help Kane clean house of the Band who somehow they escape relatively unscathed. And on the next episode of Raw have them cut a promo on how they survived the Brothers of Destruction and then going onto say they can survive them at WrestleMania. Hell they could even play up the lack of team work the two have and the fact they keep trying to kill each other.

Then WrestleMania comes around, and this would bring Heath Slater back to what he did to get noticed in the first place, job to legends. Give the match ten minutes and if done right the match could easily reach a passing grade on peoples grading chart.

Aftermath: There isn’t much aftermath here, but if the WWE wanted to they could have Kane turn on Taker the next night on Raw and put Taker out of action till next year (which is something I feel they miss out on doing every year) and then WM30 we have the (potential) final match of the Undertaker against his (storyline) Brother. I feel this would draw some fans just for the intrigue, who cares if it happened before, that doesn’t mean the match can’t be good (just look at Punk vs. Cena from Monday)

(Just realized that could go to in aftermath section of any of these first three scenarios, so remember that one)

2. One last reign.

(Hell No break up status: Not amicable)
So we begin right after Hell no lose their tag titles because Kane was the one who took the fall, Bryan gets up in his face saying that he is still the tag team champions, and he is better than Kane. This ultimately leads to a brawl between the two which is eventually broke up by security.

Next week we have the new tag team champions in the ring (for the sake of this column let’s say it is The Rhodes Scholars) they cut a promo as all new champions tend to do. However both member of the team formerly known as Hell No come out and want their rematch for the tag championships, without having to team together since they were the tag team champions.

Rhodes Scholars agree to the rematch against both teams if they can find a partner. And you can probably see where this is going; Kane picks Undertaker to team with him at WrestleMania. Meanwhile Bryan teams with another superstar, if WWE are insistent on Punk vs. Taker at WM then we have Punk and Bryan team up, could even play up there time on the Indy scene when they team up.

Hell if they really wanted to then WWE could add a stipulation to this match, I am pretty sure between the 6 of them they could work any match type. If possible I would put this as a Ladder or TLC match; seeing as this is the strongest the Tag division has been since the last tag title Ladder/TLC match (which if you are wondering was DX vs. Jeri-Show at TLC 2009).

Give this match the right build and right amount of time it could easily be a match of the year candidate. And when the smoke clears and the dust settles (metaphorically of course) The Undertaker and Kane stand tall as your new tag team champions.

Aftermath: So we have the obligatory Kane vs. Undertaker scenario which ends there tag title reign on Raw the night after WrestleMania. However that is not the only way this one can go, if WWE still want a one on one Punk vs. Taker match then have Punk come out the next night and beat down the Undertaker, then he can go the next year bragging how he “ended the Undertaker” making him better than any other superstar in history, the around Elimination chamber time next year Undertaker returns and begins to try and take Punk to hell.

This scenario could probably work with anyone (even a face could do it); however after that match Punk makes most sense.

3. Hell vs. NO.

(Hell No break up status: pissed off)
Ok this scenario is much the same as the last one except they retain the titles in there match but break up anyway. The problem here is that both are the champions but they won’t team together. So the options are bring in Doctor Shelby (2nd best option) vacate the titles (worst option) and my idea.

The idea is that the two of them each find a partner and defend/win the Tag Titles, and much like last time they choose their tag partners. So we get the Brothers of Destruction vs. Punk/Bryan. This match could easily go 20 minutes and be one of the greatest tag matches in recent history (maybe of all history). If they go tornado tag (both in the ring at the same time) then it may end up splitting into two singles matches happening at the same time (which may be a bad thing depending on your feelings towards this sort of thing).

Aftermath: I could literally copy and paste this section from the last scenario and it would go just as well.

Well those are the first three scenarios for the Undertakers WrestleMania, I split this column into two parts, you just finished reading the first part/Mid-card part, next time we get to see the more main event scenarios, so keep your eyes peeled and I will see you here next time.

“There is nothing permanent except change.” – Heraclitus

The world is constantly fluctuating. What’s obvious or acceptable in 2013 may have been radical or frowned upon in 1995. Entertainment has evolved, workplaces have adapted, and lifestyles have changed, regardless of whether you consider a period of five years or five decades. Despite what those with rose colored glasses glued to their faces will tell you, not everything was automatically better back when they were more satisfied with themselves. Some specific changes are unnecessary; most changes have been beneficial.

Because we live in a state of flux, it’s often difficult (though we don’t let that discourage us from trying!) to make accurate comparisons between the present and the past. Situations change; context changes. Fellow scientists, imagine running multiple trials of an experiment, only with the catch that the temperature unavoidably changes for every trial. How could one accurately compare the results?

Luckily, as life evolves, so do we. Our ability to adapt makes it possible, though not easy, for us to make more precise comparisons between things past and present. To extend the analogy, when temperatures were more difficult to control in centuries past, scientists contributed to develop the ideal gas law, which allows for temperature to change. Better yet, economists can determine inflation rates, thus making box office earnings for Gone with the Wind and Star Wars more comparable with Avatar and Titanic. It’s all about establishing context.

Not unlike other forms of entertainment, professional wrestling, too, has evolved. Is it tricky to compare professional wrestling of past decades to today’s product? Absolutely. Is it impossible? No. We do it all the time, some more accurately than others. Some have called Rock/Cena Hogan/Rock, only a decade later. We compare Bryan to Benoit, Ryback to Goldberg, and Ziggler to Perfect. Hell, sometimes, even the wrestlers themselves do it. In 2003, Chris Jericho refused to be plaster cast into the 1990s Shawn Michaels mold, despite acknowledging the obvious similarities. In 2012, CM Punk called his title reign better than Bruno Sammartino’s.

CM Punk called his title reign better than Bruno Sammartino’s. You know what?

He’s right.

Sammartino’s not the only one who falls short. The 434 day championship reign of the Best in the World was more impressive than any reign of Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, or John Cena. In fact, CM Punk’s championship reign is the greatest title reign in the history of the WWE.

That might be hard to digest, initially, especially considering present circumstances. With Bruno’s Hall of Fame induction upcoming, it’s all too easy to allow a long awaited “feel good” moment to suck you in to the nostalgia trap. Yes, reminiscing occasionally about pleasant things in the past strikes us all and, in doses, can be cool. But guess what, folks? Nostalgia isn’t all great; in fact, it more often than not gives us tunnel vision because our minds remember positive memories quite well when compared to negative or neutral memories. When those dangerous rose colored glasses get stuck to faces, people look at “seven and a half year title reign” and blindly applaud it as if it were far and away the greatest thing ever. In reality, Bruno’s reign is overrated. Today, there are complaints that John Cena has been at or near the top for far too long, and that WWE is merely satisfied with a status quo because he is guaranteed to bring viewers. After what year of Bruno’s reign do you think authority decided, “Yep, this is a pretty good status quo!”

So, how does Punk’s time with the belt beat Bruno’s, and subsequently, every other reign? Sammartino’s massive tenure with the belt lasted six and a half years longer than Punk’s, right? Not only that, the latter’s reign doesn’t even crack the top 5 when it comes to elongated WWE Championship reigns. If you find yourself in the camp of that argument, though, you should probably also argue that a house which cost $30,000 in the 40s was obviously a worse house than one that costs $50,000 today. Back in the 1960s, Bruno was an old man, sitting on his deck for hours, occasionally firing his rifle at a stray coyote which could be seen from miles away. CM Punk in 2012, however, was Jackie Chan in a kung fu movie, fighting off more than a half dozen adversaries at a time.

Admittedly, it’s a bold claim, especially when I’ve already mentioned that it’s difficult to make accurate comparisons between past and present. On the other hand, some of the most difficult cases to argue have historically been helped by a large pile of evidence, and I offer you mine.

Just as it’s unfair to blindly say that Avatar was a more successful film than Star Wars based solely on gross numbers, it’s unfair to say that Sammartino’s reign – or any reign, for that matter – was more successful than Punk’s based solely on gross days. Context is of vital importance when considering time transcending assessments. Theatre tickets surely weren’t $15 when Ford and Hamill hit the screen in 1977, and legitimate title defenses didn’t occur every three weeks when Bruno was king.

In an effort to fairly scale championship reigns, I have created a far more balanced number which represents how overwhelming or underwhelming a champion’s reign was when compared to that champion’s specific era. I call it the Relative Reign.

- Relative Reign, or RR, is calculated by (length of reign, in days)/(average length of reign in that era, in days)
- Average length of reign in era is determined by averaging the 10 reigns before and the 10 reigns after a champion’s reign
- If there are fewer than 10 reigns before a reign, every reign before is considered as well as the 10 following; vice versa for reigns with fewer than 10 following. This still maintains a large enough sample size (10 to 20) for every era.

For example, consider a hypothetical WWE Championship reign by John Cena. If the average number of days for the 10 reigns before his was 50 days, and the average number of days for the 10 after was 70 days, and John’s was 120 days, then John’s RR becomes (120)/(60) = 2.00. This represents how long Cena’s reign really was – twice the length of the average reign in his era.

The “era” changes for every champion because change does not occur in discrete quanta; it gradually morphs and develops. If I had bookended 1997 and 2001 as the Attitude Era, and compared every reign in that timeframe to the others in it, reigns in 1997 would not have received comparison to reigns in 1996. Was December 1996 really that different from January 1997? Despite our affinity of labeling eras, they are not as black-and-white, as easily categorical as names such as the Ruthless Aggression Era and the PG Era suggest.

If the mathematical jargon isn’t your cup of cocoa, allow me to paraphrase: the larger a champ’s RR score, the longer his reign was compared to his era.

Now then, allow any doubts regarding Punk’s reign to vanish…



Top ten RR scores in history, followed by select few other 100+ day reigns:



CM Punk’s run with the belt was eight times the average run in this day and age. Eight times! Basketball fans, consider the following analogy. The average NBA player gets around 8 points per game. The basketball player equivalent of Bruno’s or Backlund’s reigns would pour in 35 to 37 points per game, and be second to third place in league scoring. Imagine if another player averaged a ludicrous 65 points per game!

The RR score acts as a balance for changing times and evolving environments. Sammartino wasn’t defending his championship belt every four weeks in legitimately “up in the air” PPV matches, nor was he wrestling two to three televised matches every week on top of house shows. He wasn’t wrestling in ladder matches or Elimination Chamber matches, which amplify the risk of injury. And he certainly wasn’t champion in a day and age where society’s attention span is almost required to be at the hectic pace it is today. In a span of four months in 2011, we saw seven different WWE Championships reigns and didn’t blink. In the 1960s, such a rapid series of transactions would have been unheard of and possibly even scoffed at.

Obviously, length of reign is one of a few factors that contribute to the success of a championship run. There were so many great intangibles about Punk’s run that aren’t as easy to put into a graph, but they add to the greatness nonetheless. Start by considering that six of his fourteen months as king were done as a clear-cut heel. Bad guys lose all the time. In my latest column about losing streaks, nine of the ten men who sunk to depths of losing hell were heels for all or some of those streaks; conversely, only one of the ten men who went on searing winning streaks in my “Punk is on a Roll” column was a full-blown heel for the extent of his run. That a good chunk of Punk's run was done as a black hat in a sea of white adds to the impressiveness of the reign exponentially. You could, of course, compare him to Yokozuna or JBL, but the former competed in only three PPV matches (one a tag team match) between the evenings of winning and losing his title, and the latter reigned on the B show and in an era of brand-exclusive PPVs, which spaced out his defenses considerably.

There’s also the fact that the vast majority of Punk’s opposition has been extremely credible. A comparison to Cena’s 380 day reign is apropos here, considering the two have been crocodiles in a decade of lizards. Who were John’s opponents during his run? To start his series of defenses, Cena had three non-title PPV matches in a row. Following that, there was no way Umaga was going to be the top champion going into WrestleMania 23. Shawn Michaels post-2002 was the ultimate guy to put over a champion, not seize his title. The Great Khali was a joke. Not until Lashley and Orton came knocking at Cena's door did the champ have legitimate, credible threats to his title, speaking non-kayfabe, of course.

Punk, on the other hand, had a bevy of guys who logically could have usurped his position. Upon his entrance into the WWE, Del Rio has been pushed more than a nerd on the playground; he could’ve derailed the champ before the tear even gained steam. Ziggler was a star on the rise by Royal Rumble ’12 time and could’ve been a by-product in an impending Punk/Laurinaitis feud. It’s fair to argue that Jericho was to Punk in 2012 what Michaels was to Cena in 2007, mind you. However, Daniel Bryan’s treatment after WM28, though I may not entirely agree with it, had “potential champion” written all over it. Cena, who feuded with Punk as the summer waned, is always a credible threat to regaining the strap, and Ryback was absolutely white hot heading into his bout with the champion. Yet, despite the fact that WWE could have logically went with any of them getting a fresh reign, Punk kept winning and extending the greatest reign we’ve ever seen.

Information moves at such a rapid rate today and things like attention span and patience, albeit gradually, diminish. As society, which includes wrestling fans, continues to adapt and evolve, WWE is going to mirror that change, partly by adding more and more hours of televised wrestling to each week. With the amount of PPVs, RAWs, SmackDowns, Main Events, Slams and house shows, we simply don’t see tremendously long runs with the belt like we did in the 60s, 70s and 80s. Even in the face of such change, Punk was able to garner an astonishingly extensive run with the belt. The RR scores scream that. We’re not going to see another reign like we did in 2012 for a long time, possibly ever, and although it might take time for it to sink in, people will realize how incredible CM Punk’s monstrous reign really was.

The crackle of a radio. A puzzled babyface looks towards the rafters. Spotlights vainly attempt to find the access point of three destructive souls dressed in unrelieved black. “Sierra - Hotel - India - Echo - Lima - Delta: SHIELD.” A pounding series of powerchords echoes around the arena and it’s then that Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns descend through the crowd, over the barriers, and into the fray; their business is justice and nobody is immune from their ire.

It’s the most exciting entrance in wrestling today and moreover the most thrilling I’ve seen in all my years watching the sport. The electric way they advance on the ring rather neatly acts as a metaphor for their limitless potential, because it is beyond doubt that The Shield has it in them to be the greatest stable the industry has ever seen.

I’m not trolling you here. When you really come to think about it, any other successful stable you care to name suffered from certain issues that stalled its momentum. The concept of the Four Horsemen was constantly recycled with a revolving roster of talents until it became a shadow of the work done in the eighties by the glorious foursome inducted into the Hall of Fame last April. WCW also contrived to water down the NWO angle by turning it into a Charlton Heston movie with a cast of thousands, when what it needed to stay was three outsiders with chips on their shoulders taking names and kicking ass. Evolution was a great idea and produced some excellent, historic pay-per-view moments, but would you call most of their TV segments exciting? What WWE would like you to remember is the iconic Batista thumbs down to Triple H, but 90% of Evolution screen time involved four men in suits making a twenty minute walk up the entrance ramp and following that with a twenty minute promo, most of which was led by Hunter at his most self-aggrandising. As for the last great invaders, The Nexus, we’d ultimately have to boil that angle down to Wade Barrett, Ryback in a cowboy hat and a bunch of jobbers getting chewed up and spat out by John Cena at his most uncharitable.

I’m more than aware that I am addressing the Internet Wrestling Community here, so I dare say I don’t need to convince many of you of the merits of The Shield. The fact that they are the best reason to watch WWE television every single week is well established by now. But perhaps you haven’t thought fully about why Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns have captured our attention so completely.

The group’s actions as they burst onto the scene at Survivor Series had a momentous impact because they followed a near two year period of speculation amongst wrestling fans about the impending main roster debuts of Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins, two of the most prominent indy darling recruits to the Fed since Bryan “Daniel Bryan” Danielson. Creative kept us waiting so long that we were taken entirely by surprise, a rare and precious commodity in the twenty-first century. In finally unleashing Ambrose and Rollins, as well as a giant Samoan with a wrestling pedigree in Reigns, World Wrestling Entertainment created something that had seemed lost to them. They generated buzz. In fact, they found a way to kick a hornet’s nest of excitement in a manner not seen since CM Punk sat Indian-style on the ramp and dropped his infamous pipe bomb.

After those wild dogs whirled through Indianapolis like a tornado, WWE then surprised and delighted us by neither over-exposing them nor watering them down with the spurious addition of new members. Most importantly of all, they have been and still are booked like absolute beasts, and thus their impact has not diminished with time.

The Shield has swiftly become the most credible heel threat on the roster simply because the stable haven’t lost. They have owned every single top level babyface sent against them, first in multiple beat-down segments and now in three ultra-high profile six man tag matches. When their awesome music hits or when the lights go out, we legitimately think “someone’s getting their ass handed to them in the next two minutes,” and the energy generated by The Shield parting the crowd like the Red Sea in the name of chaos is something that WWE needs to understand better and tap into more. For younger members of the “universe” the desire to see Ambrose, Reigns and Rollins get their just desserts increases with each passing win over The Justice League and co. For the smarks, the “it factor” surrounding the group is enhanced by the fact that they’ve yet to do a job on television. However, all the strong booking in the world would mean little if the stable’s performance in the ring was unsatisfying.

Serendipitously, the group were able to craft a legitimate match of the year candidate in their very first outing. I urge you all to re-examine the six man TLC match at your earliest convenience. The performance entered by The Shield is simply mindblowing, especially given the context of the contest, with 2012’s company MVP, CM Punk, forced to sit out an entire pay-per-view. Furthermore, like the turn of the millennium sagas authored by Edge and Christian, The Hardys, and The Dudleys, it rewards repeated viewings. There’s something about the brutality of the match that seems to defy the PG rating in a way we haven’t seen for a long time, and moreover, it brings TLC back to its roots as brutal, gladiatorial spectacle.

During this NXT tournament, I have written several times of grapplers who understand when the moment to write their names in the history books arrives. I’ve also spoken of the incendiary phenomenon of maximising minutes in the spotlight, and furthermore on the importance of fearlessness on the grand stage. Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns clearly understand these things as well as anybody ever has, because just like Triple H entering Madison Square Garden to battle with Mick Foley or Jeff Hardy preparing to hit a Swanton off a twenty foot ladder, the conduct of The Shield that night screams of stardom. I’ve discussed their entrance at length, but let me say also that the sheer swagger of these three men is integral to making that work; the swaying arrogance of their walk down the steps is an instant indicator that they are bringing their ‘A’ game. In psychological terms, they play up the fact that they do not fear the three top faces they are matched against in the least. It’s a theme that continues throughout the match, from the way Ambrose leers “Come on Goat Face!” at a prone Daniel Bryan to Reigns roaring “THIS IS MY TABLE NOW!” at the Spanish commentators moments before Ryback is powerbombed through that same piece of Latin furniture. The intensity of the characters the component members of the stable inhabit is just incredible; Roman Reigns is downright frightening, while Ambrose comes across as utterly unhinged and Rollins has that intangible “snarky bastard” quality first perfected by CM Punk. As a threesome, they just gel so smoothly and this goes a long way to explaining to the audience how they are able to dismember the babyface team sent to stop them. No matter what, the heel unit seem to have the numerical advantage; they just work better as a collective, which again fits their group persona perfectly. At the end of the match, as they leave the arena, they do so as brothers in arms, holding up each other’s battered bodies. It’s a compelling visual, to say the least.

The offense of Team Shield in this bout is absolutely vicious. What I particularly like is the way all three men create signature moves for themselves in the space of a single pay-per-view. In particular, the innovation involved in the use of the weaponry deserves discussion. The former Jon Moxley in particular uses a chair in multiple ways to break the bodies of his opponents; a sick DDT to Kane onto the steel, a wicked bodyslam onto the furniture for Bryan. It’s also notable how well the three men work as a team, with multiple double or triple team manoeuvres, something that has been missing from multi-man wrestling for far too long. The jewel in the crown of their offense is of course the triple powerbomb they trademarked in their very first night on the main roster, but there’s also a double superplex on the American Dragon and a veritable three way con-chair-to opera to Ryback. The entire match makes you wonder where on earth those dirt sheet rumours about WWE feeling Ambrose and Rollins needed more polish came from, because damn, they don’t half look polished in this outing. As for the big Samoan, my God, I cannot believe now that message boards were buzzing with disappointment that he was chosen over, say, Kassius Ohno. Reigns is just so perfect in the enforcer role that it’s hard to imagine anybody doing a better job than he has.

It isn’t just their offense that’s impressive, though. It’s their selling too. I’ve read a lot of opinions about Dean Ambrose in the past few weeks and some of those writers are saying that his antics are beginning to become irksome. For shame! The man sells like Dolph Ziggler being attacked with The Mountie’s cattle prod, how could this not be a good thing? It’s called character, it’s called showmanship, and WWE have ironed it out of their wrestlers so much that maybe some just weren’t prepared for its phoenix-like rebirth under the auspices of the group’s Roddy Piper figure. The former Tyler Black, for his part, earns his Jeff Hardy stripes by taking a near-suicidal bump off the top of a ladder through four tables, while Reigns expresses pain in Bryan’s No Lock better than anybody I’ve seen since The Show Off did back in 2010. What The Shield deliver here is a performance so complete it redefines the art of the PPV debut.

Ambrose, Reigns and Rollins have certainly not rested on their laurels since that night in Brooklyn. In fact, what really stands out about the two six man tag matches against Justice League 1.0 at Elimination Chamber and version 2.0 on Monday Night Raw is the way the group are able to mix spots from their debut contest in with new moves. With each passing match, we find out more about these superstars as individuals, whilst also receiving further evidence of their chemistry as a team. The audience expectation may be that the more structured, codified environment of a traditional six man tag team contest puts the villainous trio at a disadvantage, but it soon becomes apparent that the story being told here is that The Shield has an exceptional grasp of how to bend those rules for their personal gain. The way Reigns stares down Sheamus from the apron just long enough for Ambrose to deck him is a classic use of the heel playbook. Just like any other tag team worth its salt, these guys break up any number of pinning combinations and submissions while escaping the referee’s notice. It’s also key that all three members of the group are booked to hold their own one on one against seemingly more illustrious opposition. There are counters to key Cena offense, for example, Ambrose cutting off the flying shoulder block routine by running the ropes and placing a knee firmly in the Franchise Player’s gut, and in contrast to John-boy’s conduct during The Nexus angle, he really sells the beating dished out to him. The top guy in the company is kept grounded in the corner for most of the match, which emphasises the danger of The Shield of Justice more eloquently than any number of words could.

I mentioned earlier that we learn more about these men as individuals in these two bouts; each has a distinct move set that complements that of his two team-mates. Rollins is the nominated risk taker, flinging himself from the top rope with reckless abandon, and it is his wicked knee to Jericho’s cranium that gains the win in the match from Raw. Our favourite Samoan enforcer throws the most insane spear since the heyday of Rhyno, and the way both Kane and Sheamus are sent through the crash barrier will ensure that those spots stay on highlight reels for many years to come. The important thing is that Reigns acts exactly as the muscle of a team should act; he’s menacing and explosive. Finally, the sick and twisted Dean Ambrose has a gnarly repertoire of DDTs and strikes delivered with alarmingly convincing conviction. It’s important too that The Shield’s array of double and triple team moves are added to, my favourite of which is a Hardy brothers copyrighted Poetry In Motion from the two indy darlings followed by a Clothesline From Hell by Reigns.

In terms of wrestling’s cerebral aspect, these three musketeers are able to build on the impact they made on debut by continuing to sell the frenzied, chaotic characters they’ve established. There’s not a single chink in the armour of their acting here, and they understand that how a wrestler presents themselves when stood on the apron is just as important as what happens when they are the legal man. The shouts and taunts are expanded upon too, making them an integral part of the team’s schtick. The Celtic Warrior is told in no uncertain terms that he was put through the wall the evening before, and Chris Jericho, one of the most decorated grapplers of all time, is slapped around the face and ruthlessly sneered at by WWE’s own version of The Joker. All of this character work aids WWE in building the hot new stable as fearless, renegade mercenaries without an ounce of respect for their elders.

These guys can talk as well. Oh boy, can they ever own that microphone. In their very first verbal segment backstage with Michael Cole, they poured a heap of stardust on proceedings. The man from Cincinnati’s epic “nope,” response to Cole’s question about them working for CM Punk has already gone viral in meme form, while Reigns’ “when I want to say something, I’ll say it,” is the most epic owning of a backstage interviewer since The Rock was putting T-Shirts on heads. Plenty of people prior to the advent of The Shield would have told you that Seth Rollins was weak on the mic; I think he’s proved that’s not the case. In the thrilling self-shot promos from an “undisclosed location” (NYPD Blue shaky camera shots for the win) he displays the sneering charisma of a young CM Punk. There’s something about his tone of voice when he delivers a line like “welcome to payback Randy!” that’s redolent of high school assholes and internet trolls. The three guys just dovetail so well with their promo styles; I could honestly listen to the way Reigns says his character’s name in that deep baritone all day long, the frenzy of Ambrose yelling “bring tables, bring ladders, bring chairs!” is beautiful to behold, and I just love the geek out moment Seth Rollins precipitated on last week’s Raw through his use of Brad Pitt’s line from Troy: “Is there no-one else?”

The bottom line is this: in The Shield, World Wrestling Entertainment own three young studs with presence and charisma to burn, ring skills to envy and stick savvy to weep for. They are the hottest property in the business at this moment in time and will likely steal the show at Wrestlemania regardless of which three random babyfaces are fed to them. I said at the beginning of this column that the potential is there for The Shield to be the best stable in history. For that to happen, the stars will need to align so that their momentum is not stalled. There can be no rushing of this angle; patience will be essential, for one day, all three superstars will be pushed to the main event, I’m convinced of that. Ambrose has the sort of demented heel character that would make him an incredible headlining antagonist at a future Wrestlemania, and Rollins could very easily follow the career path of the man he very much resembles in style and stature, Chicago’s Second City Saint. As for Roman Reigns, the sky truly is the limit; he has WWE main event written through him like a stick of rock, if you’ll excuse the pun. This stable is dynamite because they’ve got it all.

And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got four words for you.

BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD.

Yes folks, it’s finally here. After spending almost all of last week (and this week) without access to a computer, I have finally returned to deliver the final chapter on the great Sting vs. nWo feud. Let’s waste no time; on with the show!


Yes folks, the time had finally arrived. After over a year of build up, swerves, fake Stings, descents from the rafters and even a segment were Hogan held a wax model of his own head (yes, it happened, and it was uproariously funny as you can see), Sting and Hollywood Hogan were set to tangle for the WCW Championship at Starrcade 1997. The anticipation, already at critical mass throughout the whole year, was at this point unimaginable. It would’ve been anyway due to the build up, but the fact that Starrcade, WCW's Wrestlemania, was the event in question pushed it over the level. This match more than fit the Starrcade bill, and I would even dare say that Tony “Biggest Night in the History of Professional Wrestling” Schiavone was correct when he stated that this night was the biggest in the history of professional wrestling. Even better, due to how well WCW had handled the whole feud throughout the past year, there seemed to be no way that this match could possibly fail. Right?


In theory yes, but two forces emerged backstage in WCW that would dethrone what should’ve been Sting’s triumphant moment. The first would be Sting’s opponent, the immortal Hollywood Hogan himself. Now for those who don’t know, Hogan could be described backstage as, well, an egomaniacal tyrant who used his creative control (stupidly put into his WCW contract by Bischoff and WCW owner Ted Turner when they signed him in 1994) to make sure he would always get his way. Reportedly, Hogan’s ego was at an all time high during late 97 and despite the fact that all signs pointed to Sting defeating the nWo, Hogan went to Bischoff and requested that he beat Sting, or at least not lose cleanly. Initially, Bischoff wisely refused, but after more prodding from Hogan, Bischoff agreed to do a Screwjob finish that would give Sting the belt while guaranteeing Hogan didn’t lose clean. Whether any of this was true has never been conclusively proven, but with Hogan’s history of backstage corruption, I honestly wouldn’t doubt it.


The second factor that would harm this match would be the arrival of one Bret Hart to WCW. Hart, fresh off the infamous Montreal Screwjob, was seen as the final piece that WCW needed to pull away from WWE in the Monday Night Wars, only Bischoff had no idea how to use him. Hart wouldn’t wrestle till January of 1998, several weeks after his initial debut, with Bischoff instead choosing to have him referee matches like the mediocre Bischoff-Larry Zbyszko match at Starrcade. With Hogan in Bischoff’s ear at the time about the finish to his match with Sting, Bischoff suddenly came up with the idea to incorporate Bret Hart as a referee into the Sting-Hogan match, playing off the Montreal Screwjob. Maybe even more than Hogan’s backstage power plays, this was the real mistake Bischoff made regarding the match. In the span of one booking decision, Bischoff transformed himself from James Cameron into Uwe Boll.



Despite the awfulness that was still to come, everything seemed to be running smoothly as Starrcade began. The show opened with one of the best hype promos ever (the one where Sting was standing in an abandoned building as rained poured in the background) and the matches leading up to Sting-Hogan were solid, highlighted by an awesome opening match between the always reliable Eddie Guerrero and Dean Malenko (seriously, did those two ever have a poor match?). Hell, even the entrances for Sting-Hogan were good, with Hogan coming down to Jimi Hendrix’s “Voodoo Child” and Sting entering to his awesome theme complete with the creepy kid voice over. Nothing about Starrcade indicated what was going to happen next. And then, the match started.




Oh man, was this match terrible. From the beginning of the bell, it became apparent that something very wrong was occurring. For one, Sting looked completely outmatched against Hogan. Sting should’ve come out of the gates hot to begin, but Hogan instead dominated most of the match, save for a few offensive flurries by Sting here or there. This was the first nail in the coffin, as the audience slowly started to wonder if Sting could actually win (you can hear the crowd slowly start to lose interest at points during the middle of the match). You could make the argument that Hogan should’ve dominated stretches due to this being the first match Sting wrestled in over a year, but not to the point where the match seemed like it was a squash. Just incredibly odd, and after Sting missed with a Stinger’s Splash outside the ring, Hogan controlled the entire second half of the match.


This brings us to the ending. Now, the plan was simple; Hogan would hit Sting with his famous Leg Drop, followed by referee Nick Patrick (who had been associated with the nWo during early 97) making a fast count in order to screw Sting. However, Bret Hart would come down to ringside, would reverse the decision (which he would have the power to do so due to his officiating the Zbyszko-Bischoff match), and restart the match, leading to Sting going on the offensive and eventually forcing Hogan to tap out to the Scorpion Death Lock. There’s no doubt that scenario was beyond overbooked, but what actually happened was even worse. Hogan would hit the leg drop on Sting, followed by Patrick giving a NORMAL COUNT! That’s right, no fast count, no slightly quicker than normal count; just a plain and simple one, two, three. Why Patrick did this is unknown; rumors are that Hogan either bribed Patrick into making a normal count the day of Starrcade, while Bret Hart claims in his book that Patrick simply forgot he was supposed to make a fast count. Whatever the case, the match quickly went from simply bad to comically bad, as Hart came down and restarted the match for the fast count, despite their being no fast count (hilariously, WCW showed a sped up video the next night that made Patrick's count seem fast. Luckily, no one has been enough of a weasel to show that video since). Sting would emerge victorious, but the audience was left incredibly confused and frustrated. In the span of three hours, Starrcade had gone from the most anticipated Pay Per View of all time, to the most disappointing event since Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda went up against a killer crocodile raised by Betty White.



Not only did Sting-Hogan turn out to be one of the biggest letdowns in wrestling history, it also proved to be the end of Sting’s great run. Following Starrcade, Sting would be stripped of the belt on the inaugural episode of Thunder, then forced to wait two months till SuperBrawl to face Hogan again for the now vacant WCW Championship. He would win the match, but not clean (Randy Savage would hit Hogan with a can of spray paint), and would only hold the title for 56 days before dropping it to Savage at Spring Stampede (Savage would then drop the belt to Hogan the next night on Nitro). These events, combined with Sting speaking once more, effectively killed his mystique and momentum; Sting would remain a top level star in WCW but he would never approach mega star status again. Meanwhile, Hogan and the nWo would eventually become too strong for their own good, and their constant victory and expansion would ultimately be one of the main reasons that WCW would close its doors in the spring of 2001. In a way, Starrcade 1997 proved to be WCW’s “jump the shark” moment; things never were quite the same after they dropped the ball that night.


So what do we make of all this in the end? How do we evaluate something that started off so beautifully and ended up a John Carter sized train wreck? To me, there are two questions that determine the legacy of the Sting-nWo feud; does it still hold up despite the terrible ending, and if done correctly, would it have led to WCW winning the Monday Night War? The second question is easier to answer; it’s a resounding yes. The combination of Sting’s victory over Hogan plus Bret Hart’s arrival could’ve and should’ve been the catalyst to take WCW over the top. They would’ve had the biggest star as their World Champion, a wronged hero from the north coming in with more motivation than anyone, and a group in the nWo that was truly being tested for the first time. Craig Thomas and Carter Bays couldn’t write TV like that. Call me crazy, but if Sting had indeed beaten Hollywood Hogan at Starrcade 97, I think we would be watching Nitro today as opposed to RAW. At the very least, it would’ve been very close.


As for the other question, I guess it just depends on your own opinion. For some, the Starrcade main event is a black mark on the whole storyline; like how the bad ending to a movie can ruin it for some, even if the first 90 minutes were great. For me, this isn’t the case. As bad as that match was, it doesn’t make the preceding year and a half any less impactful than it was. I still applaud Eric Bischoff for being smart enough to see something great in front of him and letting it grow instead of pulling the trigger far too soon. And more so, I remain in awe today of Sting; his transformation from the bleach blonde surfer into the tortured soul hero remains unprecedented to this day, and likely saved his career. How many performers in wrestling ever could’ve done what he did during that time? You can likely count them on one finger. In the end, I’ll always remember the angle for Sting, and that for one year, he gave the greatest performance that professional wrestling has ever seen. The fact that he almost became the man makes it even better for me.


In the end, maybe that’s what makes the saga between Sting and the nWo stand out after all these years; that word almost. Do we wrestling fans ever truly remember all the moments that were great from beginning to end? Or do we remember the almost greats, the not quite’s, the close yet so far away’s? I truly believe it’s the latter, maybe for no other reason because it allows us to dream of what might’ve been. Maybe it’s because when looking back we think things may have turned out differently upon second view; like how we all secretly hope that Buffy won’t kill Angel at the end of Season 2. Maybe it’s a combination of the two. I don’t know. All I know is I keep waiting for the day when someone finally gets it right, and someone gets the moment that Sting was going to get. Hey, maybe like at the end of Buffy Season 2, it’ll never happen. But whenever I think that, I am reminded of the last thing Sting said, “Nothing’s for sure.”

We fade inside the Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey, home to the defending NHL Eastern Conference Champions New Jersey Devils and tonight, the site of pYromania 21.4. We center on X, who walks with purpose to his personal locker room. He stops at his door and finds a note attached to it with 'X' written on it dead center. While we can't see his eyes due to the shades he wears, the scowl on his face shows the future hall-of-famer's disdain. He snatches the note off the door and hands it to Ben Starr, who begins to read it.

Ben Starr: (to X) “Mr. Williams, I trust that you find this in good health. Unfortunately, due to the events that transpired during the Honor Roll pay-per-view, the General Manager of Pyromania suffered a calamity of injuries so severe that I have deemed it necessary for my personal medical staff to treat him. In order to ensure the highest standard of care is upheld, I am away monitoring my staff's every move as we help Daniel towards a speedy convalescence.”

X: As if I give a damn about that wizard's well-being...

Ben Starr: But there's more, and I think you may like hearing it.

X: Have you forgotten who you're talking to?

Ben Starr: Just hear it out. (continues reading)

“With that said, I will not be in attendance for tonight's show and neither will Daniel. This leaves Pyromania without any directive for the evening. Given how pivotal tonight's show is in the finalization of the One Way Ticket card as well as the various plans I set up, I need someone to step in and handle the reins.

With our prior, yet less than savory, association in the group Public Enemy number one, I felt that you were the only person with the intellect, maturity level and willingness to be cut-throat in order to do a more than sufficient job. Therefore, I AM APPOINTING YOU, X, AS THE INTERIM GENERAL MANAGER OF PYROMANIA 21.4”

X: Like there was any other choice. He understand greatness when he sees it.

Ben Starr: “Enclosed along with this message you will find tonight's scheduled matches as well as a general plan as to how tonight's broadcast is to proceed. Of course you understand why everything is mapped out to the letter. After Daniel's transgressions against my authority and moreover, the image of my company, I must play things a bit closer to the chest. Regards, Damion Kross, CEO, Lords of Pain Wrestling, Inc. and Public Enemy Multimedia, LLC...”

X snatches the note from Ben, reading the matches and the “plan” for tonight's show. He smirks before crumbling the plan up and tossing it dismissively to the side.

Ben Starr: What are you doing? That was the plan for tonight's show!

X: No, that was HIS plan for tonight's show. I run sh-*(BLEEP)* tonight and I'm doing it my way. The right way. As for Pyromania's so-called “talent”... Consider Yourselves Warned.

LPW PRESENTS PYROMANIA 21.4 LIVE FROM THE PRUDENTIAL CENTER IN NEWARK, NEW JERSEY!
Tonight's card:

Singles Match:
Sixx King (w/Mr. Golden) vs. Austin

Tag Team Match:
Joe Citizen and Big Bea Brown vs. Trey Spruance and Ryan James

Singles Match:
Al vs. Mourn Despana (w/Allana)
Guest Commentator: LPW Western States Heritage Champion Seth Omega

MAIN EVENT‑‑ LPW Pure Wrestling Championship:
Jeff Watson vs Mr. Golden © (w/Sixx King)

PLUS: X RUNS THE SHOW, MATCHES FOR ONE WAY TICKET ARE FINALIZED, LPW SUPERSTARS UNDERGO PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATIONS, AND MUCH MORE!!

PROMO ONLY until FRIDAY, MARCH 8 at 11:59 P.M. PST, PROMO AND VOTING until SATURDAY, MARCH 9 at 11:59 P.M. PST, VOTING ONLY until SUNDAY, MARCH 10 at 11:59 P.M. PST

44 columnists.

Sure, the number dipped a bit from January, but it's still 26 more than we saw in December, so I'm still satisfied with the total.

Let's get things poppin..


RULES
1). No voting for yourself.

2). You must vote to be eligible to win.

3). The candidate you vote for must have posted at least one column in the month of February 2013.

4). When voting, please name both the columnist and, if applicable, the title of their ongoing series in a bold and easily determined fashion. Make it easier for me to tally votes.

5). Current Main Page writers are ineligible to win this award.

6). Please refrain from editing your vote once it is placed, so as to not fuck up the tally. Some circumstances, such as a noob vote for a main pager, are the only loopholes to this one.

7). If a candidate is caught campaigning for CotM, either publicly or privately, they will be disqualified.

8). You must vote to be eligible to win. In the case of collaborations, all the main writers of the column who wrote the bulk of the collab need to vote to be eligible to win. In other words, anyone who didn't write just a handful of lines needs to vote.

9). In the event of a tie, three words.. Harlem Shake videos. If the candidates are dirty cocksuckers with no sense of humor, I'll just break the tie myself and choose the winner.


More big poops to Mizfan, and he must be near the point of choking to death at this point. Here's the list for February..



Voting ends on Sunday, March 10th at 8:59pm EST / 5:59pm PST

April: Hello, hello everyone and welcome to the very first edition of Blonde Ambition with yours truly, April Montenegro! I am very excited to bring to you one of the sexiest men in LPW today, he is your LPW hardcore champion, James McDaygo! Welcome to the show, James!

McDaygo: *Bleech!*
Good to be here Susen.

April: If that's a reference to how perfect and supple my breasts are, thank you. Now, first question that everyone out there is dying to know - what kind of girls do you like?

McDaygo: Well, that is a complex question here. But I will admit to having a case of the Asian Fever and cougars... definitely cougars.

April: Blonde Brazilians? I thought so. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot do you think I... wait... ay Deus meu. Fine, fine! Apparently the producers have questions they want me to ask you. So, James, what made you change from being a backstage correspondent to the awesome Hardcore champion you are now?

McDaygo: Well I was a former wrestler before in a couple of feds but my priorities were all jacked up then. I only cared about having fun as wrestling was just a job. Had all the talent in the word but no will to do anything with it so I stepped away. Well, after a few years of being away I decided I needed a job. I lost a lot of my sponsorships as no one wants to pay a guy to endorse a product that isn't doing anything, you know right?

But as I was saying when the Owner's cup came around I signed up as my friends called me out saying this was my last chance to make an impact. Turns out I had a LOT more fun coming back than I've ever had.

But to be honest I signed up on accident.
I was just called out to do something about it haha, my pride has always been a pain in the ass to motivate me.

April: Wow James, I've never seen this side to you before. I would make mention of several things I want to do to you right now but the producers are telling me my show could get cancelled if I do so I have to move on.

Now, in regards to the Owner's Cup, I have to say I'm pretty impressed that you managed to make it to the semi-finals especially after being out of action for a while; what do you think helped you go so far in the tournament?

McDaygo: I honestly think I just happened to want it more for those first two matches. Nothing against Ozzy and Azreal as both are great talents. But I had something to prove.

April: Well, Ozzy is a great talent. Can't say much about the other one. Now, in a pretty controversial move, after your Altered Reality tag-team victory with CraZe which guaranteed you a tag-team title shot, you opted to swap that for a Hardcore title shot. What made you do that?

Be honest. It was because you preferred me as a tag-team partner over him, wasn't it?

McDaygo: HAHA No you didn't even exist in LPW then April.

April: I existed in the realm of your sexual imagination, James. Don't deny it.

McDaygo: So does full blown AIDs...

But as I was saying CraZe and I were not on the same page at all. He couldn't stand the fact we got paired up and I wanted nothing to do with him as a team mate. I hold no ill will towards him, I just don't care. I told him he can pick his own partner for his shot and it is sad he got screwed over. My Hardcore title shot was part of my contract signing, the same one that got me Chewie and what ever was the third stipulation.

April: While we're on the topic - I've been dying to ask you this. What possessed you to bring in that perverted monkey in the first place?

McDaygo: What guy doesn't want their own pet monkey? NEXT QUESTION!

April: He seems to spend more time rummaging through mine and Lacey's bags than he does with his own owner.

McDaygo: Well he has been away at training so when I get him back there should be a brand new Chewie.

You are lucky I didn't go with my original plan for a monkey. My plan was to have a new and different monkey every show; management didn't like the sound of an 800 pound silverback gorilla being backstage. My joke about it was I was going to play it off as if it was the same monkey.

April: Tell your pet monkey to stop stealing my underwear and we've got ourselves a deal.

McDaygo: Ok, but do we have a plot here? I have re-runs of Metalocalypse to watch over and over and over and over and over and over till season 5 comes out.

April: We're nearly done. I don't want to spend another second here pretending to be wholesome for these producers when everyone knows I'm not. So, I can't really remember because I was one: drunk, and two: not really paying attention because I was dancing for the crowd, but your 'beef' with Zenith made you cut him. Please explain your motivation behind that.

McDaygo: I don't know... I don't know what took over but Master Chief has ordered a full drug test for me. So, I've been clean since Honor Roll. I don't really know what took over.

April: Well, it was a side to the lovable James McDaygo people aren't used to. You can't blame the rest of us for being a bit surprised.

McDaygo: But I'm not worried about the test I mean, I've only been drinking Dethergy and smoking a little weed, prescribed of course being a resident of Southern California.

April: So you don't have a personal beef with Zenith?

McDaygo: To the point of trying to stab him, no. My beef is the illusion that he thinks he can get more hardcore than me, but again, not a reason to try to stab him.

April: Well, apparently Angelique told Roseanne who told Allana who told me that Zenith is not a happy chappy. Besides being a big sexy Australian man, Zenith is a bit... intimidating. I'd keep my eye out if I were you, James.

McDaygo: Well, that is all fine but he might not get his chance pending my test results. As I've said I am not concerned about it but still it was horrible to be out of control like that.

April: You should be fine James. If worse comes to worse, I'll give Master Chief the lap dance of his... am I allowed to say anything?! Blasted producers! Okay! Fine!

Now, to wrap it up - you've been a very impressive fighting champion ever since becoming the Hardcore Champion, partially due to the fact that you have to defend it on every Insanity show. What are your feelings towards that new TV title-esque rule?

McDaygo: I am fine with it. What's the point of being a champion if you can't establish and maintain that fire that got me gold?

April: Good answer. Now, is there anything you want to say to my adoring fans before we close? And, for the love of God, please do not plug Dethergy. That stuff gives me a headache.

McDaygo: I'm sorry for the shock and stay tuned!

April: You heard him! Stay tuned and you get to see more of me in my skimpy little skirts. I'm April Montenegro, he's LPW Hardcore Champion James McDaygo, have an Aprilicious day everyone! Mwah!

--Off the air...--

April: Someone tell these producers they are SO fired.

Jolly ho! SkitZ dusted off the yearly planner last weekend and realized that, at my current clip, this here series won’t conclude until shortly after WM29. Yours truly vows to be finished before then however for scheduling purposes so we’re detouring from the chosen path. Posting daily strikes again, dildos. The Candyman will be covering three former employees per entry for 34 dias until we cross the finish line. Happy with the changes? No? Well why the fuck not? I'm borderline ecstatic.

I’ve also taken the liberty of compiling a list of WWE ‘talents’ who are definitely getting shit canned within the next two years. Drum roll please…

-- David Otunga (Unless he lands WWE a sponsorship deal with Starbucks relatively soon.)
-- Santino Marella (What’s left to suspend your disbelief when even Mr. Socko has been PG’d?)
-- Faaaaan-daaaaaan—goooooo (Can’t wait to read Disco Inferno’s opinions on some other crummy wrestling board.)
-- Evan Bourne (How does somebody who smokes that much weed spend so many days on IR? #miraclemarijuana)
-- Jinder Mahal (Sheesh… on second thought, lump 3MB as a whole into this category.)
-- Camacho (What good does an ally do Hunico when he’s never wrestling? Tis’ common sense.)
-- JTG (Unpopular remarks towards management will negatively affect your health & well-being.)
-- Rosa Mendes (Those hips were meant for another line of business, miss.)
-- John Cena (His gimmick is soooooo played out.)






SLICE AND DICE.










Kizarny (#162 of 175)
Length of Tenure: October 2008 – March 2009
Claim(s) to Fame: Settling for Jerry Lawler’s Sloppy Seconds (Everybody Petted That Kitty)
Reason for Dismissal: His Childhood Ties to E&C Weren’t as Tight as Originally Suspected

>>> Cvjetkovich often described his character as the lovechild of Jake “The Snake” Roberts & Doink. Personality-wise maybe but from a physical standpoint, Kizarny falls somewhere between Jeff Hardy & Marilyn Manson. The overall presentation genuinely intrigued me and could’ve given casual fans extra motivation to tune in. Fuuuuuuuck Vince for neutering Kizarny and being so adamant about him performing as a babyface when the dude drew cheers in FCW whilst portraying a maniacal villain. Listen to a few of Cvjetkovich’s interviews floating around YouTube… WWE basically stripped the guy of his intangibles and sent him on a death march to SmackDown. The company wasn’t impressed with his in-ring skills? No fucking shit! And people wonder why Kizarny didn’t transition smoothly from developmental onto the main roster. Conservative mark or not, the product could use more of these kinda faces…






Kristal (#161 of 175)
Length of Tenure: December 2005 – October 2007
Claim(s) to Fame: ********** REGISTRY ERROR **********
Reason for Dismissal: Pregnant Bitches Don’t Draw Viewers Unless You’re Mae Young

>>> Who suffers an injury during a fatal four-way bra & panties match!? I’m calling your bluff, bitch. That’s like Sheamus pulling a hamstring while arm wrestling. Several different stories have been offered as to why Kristal left in the manner which she did; each as convoluted as the next. Did Black Beauty nix a proposed storyline painting her as Edge’s new valet? Perhaps the release revolved around her traveling regretfully without real-life boyfriend Bobby Lashley? Nah you see… the focal point here is the ever unflattering baby bump. Some spiteful Diva must’ve snatched Marshall’s positive pregnancy test from a bathroom trash can and reported the evidence. I mean she gave birth to son Myles in July of ’08. Crunch the numbers and try telling me it’s coincidental.






KroniK (#164 of 175)
Length of Tenure: September 2001 (Literally Less Than a Month ~ LOLZ)
Claim(s) to Fame: Honorary Members of The Phenom’s Hit List
Reason for Dismissal: Subpar Showing at Unforgiven ‘01_ (Steven Richards’ Antics Notwithstanding)

>>> In addition to this series of unfortunate events, The American Bad Ass biker gimmick had begun to wear on the general public’s patience. Historically, he always had The Deadman shtick to rely on when the well ran dry. But with that gone, the match quality needed to be consistently solid at least. Therefore, Taker reaming Clark & Adams backstage after botching themselves through said Tag Team Title contest appears valid. Considering the amount of garbage Calaway’s swam in throughout his lengthy career however, I detect a hint of hypocrisy wafting above. Kronik felt extremely butt hurt following The Phenom’s verbal lashing and refused a demotion to OVW. Why not simply chalk this one up to ring rust, shake cocks and move forward?






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