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McMahon Makes Mania Magic! (A Special Guest Column by Vincent Kennedy McMahon)

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From the desk of Mister Vincent Kennedy McMahon

Imagine that. Me... Vincent Kennedy McMahon... here I am, posting a column on LOPforums. Imagine that! How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see, it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, starting writing some wrestling columns. That's right- I'm INVADING LOPforums. Based on the completely adept way I've handled invasion angles in the past, you all should be VERY compelled right now!

Therefore, in my debut column here on LOP, I have the opportunity to address you, the WWE fans - I have an opportunity to address you, the LOP Universe... about this year's Wrestlemania card! The fate - the very fate of Wrestlemania... is in my hands...

* * *

be a STAR presents...





McMahon Makes Mania Magic!

The Official Match Card of Wrestlemania 29

A column written by Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon


Hey, Michael Cole here! I'll be interjecting in between Mr. McMahon's segments. I just want to remind all of you out there in the LOP Universe to tweet "#McMahonMakesManiaMagic" to discuss Mr. McMahon's game-changing presence. In order to this, however, you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO download the Official WWE App, which you can either purchase at the App Store or Android Marketplace. Buying this app also means that you have access to LIVE WWE PAY-PER-VIEWS on your iPad... because who wants to purchase something on a huge television screen when they can just stream it off of something ten times smaller? I will now hand it over to Mr. McMahon, who will reveal the first Wrestlemania match...


WWE Championship: The Rock vs. The Undertaker (Special Referee Kermit the Frog)

Imagine Dwayne! Imagine The Undertaker! The Streak is at stake! The Championship is on the line! But fuck putting on a real wrestling match, this is a perfect moment to be ELECTRIFYING! Get ready to be ELECTRIFIED, WWE UNIVERSE!

There are only three things I love in this world... Dwayne's jokes about grown men getting reamed in the ass by inanimate objects, Steph's personality (both of her big... bouncy... amply endowed personalities), and not my wife. Oh, and getting ELECTRIFIED! Who wants to see "wrestling" when we can be ELECTRIFIED? Therefore, The Undertaker will defend his streak this year in an ELECTRIFYING match, with the winner being one who can ELECTRIFY the WWE UNIVERSE the most!

Want a match with in-ring psychology, one that tells a story? What are you, a faggot? NO CHANCE IN HELL! Instead, The Undertaker is just gonna quickly hit his new repertoire of ELECTRIFYING moves, which now includes Norman Smiley's "Big Wiggle" (WHATAMANEUVER) and Doink the Clown's "Whoopee Cushion" (renamed "Satan's Pillow" for Taker), before ELECTRIFYING Rocky's shoulders to the mat for the three count.

That being said, don't think The Rock is gonna go down without putting up a fight! Dwayne has this one ELECTRIFYING spot set up for the match where he transitions from an ELECTRIFYING duet of "It's Not Easy Being Green" with Special Referee Kermit the Frog (in which he replaces the original lyrics with ELECTRIFYING jokes about the size of Kermit's penis) into a complicated song & dance number, set to Glen Miller's "Pennsylvania 6-5000", featuring Big E. Langston and Dolph Ziggler. Expect Ziggler to sell each dance move like he just got thrown off of a ladder, and expect Big E. to mumble and stutter over about half of the lyrics.

Winner: Everyone's a winner when the WWE Universe is ELECTRIFIED!

Welcome back to me, Michael Cole, ladies and gentlemen. Before we discuss the next Wrestlemania match, I just want to remind you all out there in the LOP Universe to TOUT your reactions to this Wrestlemania card. Also, be sure to check out the Wrestlemania theme song, "Generic Pop Tune With A Shitty Hook #1290785 (feat. Lil Wayne and Birdman)" by musical icon/magnificent bastard Kevin Rudolph! Because Tout and Kevin Rudolph are both very relevant.

Internal Conflict Match: Mark Henry vs. His Homosexual Tendencies


When The World's Strongest Man shouts "THAT'S WHAT I DO!", you can expect "THAT" to be Orlando Jordan. Mark is taking his life down a new road... The Hershey Highway... and we here at the WWE are all GLAAD for him. He hasn't left the closet just yet, but when he does, you can forget Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak... Henry is gonna lose the singlet and start a little "streak" of his own.

Winner: Pat Patterson

Remember, use the hashtag "McMahon's Million Dollar Mammaries" to talk about Mr. McMahon's impeccable breast-feeding skills on twitter!

PRE-SHOW YOUTUBE EXCLUSIVE “KISS MY ASS” BATTLE ROYAL: Vincent Kennedy McMahon vs. 300 "Make-A-Wish" Kids

WWE and The Make-A-Wish Foundation are partnering up this year to carry on a time-honored tradition... THE KISS MY ASS CLUB!

Imagine me, VINCE MCMAHON, stomping his own mudhole into the faces of America's Future! Jersey is full of anuses, but none quite like mine. We're gonna put smiles on these kids' faces... by forcing them into vertical smiles... one dark asshole (not Titus O'Neil) at a time, or my name isn't Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Pucker up, you little sons of bitches!

Winner: Hornswoggle. Midgets count as kids too, DAMMIT!

Before Mr. McMahon announces the next match on the Wrestlemania card, we're gonna take you back to earlier today when he announced that there would be a Kiss My Ass Battle Royal this year at Wrestlemania. Let's take a look:

Quote:

KISS MY ASS PRE-SHOW BATTLE ROYAL: Vincent Kennedy McMahon vs. 300 "Make-A-Wish" Kids

WWE and The Make-A-Wish Foundation are partnering up this year to carry on a time-honored tradition... THE KISS MY ASS CLUB!

Imagine me, VINCE MCMAHON, stomping his own mudhole into the faces of America's Future! Jersey is full of assholes, but none quite like mine. We're gonna put smiles on these kids' faces... by forcing them into vertical smiles... one dark asshole (not Titus O'Neil) at a time, or my name isn't Vincent Kennedy McMahon, dammit! Pucker up, you little sons of bitches!

Winner: Hornswoggle. Midgets count as kids too, right?
WWEActive 60-Minute Funny Man Match: The Rock vs. Sheamus vs. Jerry Lawler vs. John Cena




Seventeen Years Ago... Shawn Michaels wins the Royal Rumble... goes onto Wrestlemania and achieves the "boyhood dream" by winning the WWE Championship... in an IRONMAN match. In the modern era, the legend of the 60-Minute Match grows and grows, as this year, four of the WWE's most wacky and hilarious superstars will each perform stand-up material in the first-ever “60-Minute Funny Man Match”! Whoever gets the most laughs in one hour is the winner!

ROAR with laughter as John Cena implies that someone else is a homosexual! LAUGH UNTIL YOU CRY as Sheamus rambles through a witty anecdote about his alcoholism! HOWL with hilarity as The Miz talks really loud! CHUCKLE when Jerry Lawler tries to be funny because he almost died and not laughing would make you feel guilty!

The Board is gonna knock fifty shades of fuck out of me for doing this, but, in an LOP exclusive, we actually have a sneak preview of what each Superstar has planned for what should be the single funniest event in the history of the humankind! We've got a small transcript of everyone's stand-up routine here, with Sheamus going first. All I can say is "Watch out, Louis CK, there's a new ginger in town!"...

Sheamus: “Oy remember me first Wrasslemania like it was yesterday! Oy was watchin’ Wrasslemania Six wit’ me Irish Uncle Patrick Lipschitz, who had a pint too many, fella! He was so drunk that he touched me willy! I guess the “Ultimate Challenge” for me was not tellin’ me parents what happened that night! Ha ha! Ain’t that funny, fella? Hey, where’s everyone goin’?”

John Cena: “ZIP ZOP DIPPITY DOP POO POO CACA! PUCK YOU! BIG SHOW IS GAY! JBL IS POOPY!”

Jerry Lawler: “Those are some real original jokes, Cena… the last time I heard that one, I fell off of my Kevin Nash! Get it, because Kevin Nash is very old, and I substituted his name for the word ‘dinosaur’? Oh hey, Cole thought that one was really funny!”

The Rock: “Finally… THE ROCK HAS COME BACK… TO NEW JERSEY! The Rock has a story about Jersey that has nothing to do with The Rock’s current storyline, but The Rock is gonna tell his story anyway and then The Rock is gonna take two weeks off to film The Rock’s movie. The Rock remembers when The Rock got a handjob from some crackwhore in The People’s Dumpster behind the McDonald’s right off of Know Your Role Boulevard and CookiePuss Avenue in Hoboken…”

Are you all Sports Entertained yet?

Winner: TNA Wrestling

Before you order Wrestlemania, be sure to catch "The Marine 3", starring former WWE Champion The Miz. Other WWE Films to be released soon include... "To Kill a Mockingbird 2: Mockingbird-ier", starring AJ Lee as Scout; the film adaptation of "Flowers for Algernon", featuring Ryback as Charlie Gordon; and "Mary Poppins Returns", starring Kane as Mary Poppins. For now, Mr. McMahon has another match...

United States Championship: Antonio Cesaro vs. Stairs



CAN YOU SAY "REDEMPTION" IN FIVE LANGUAGES? NO? THEN LEARN, OR YOU'RE FIRRRREEDD, DAMMIT! Forget Rock/Cena II... this is the biggest rematch of all time. In the lineage of "Man vs. Object" feuds, it's surpassing even "Batista vs. Basketball" and "Flair vs. Broomstick". Should be quite entertaining. Don't be surprised when Cesaro picks up the stairs for The Neutralizer and those pussies Lawler and Cole shit themselves out of excitement. (Note to self: If I can't fire Lawler, than making him eat Sonic every show should get rid of him.)

To be honest, I wasn't always on board with this match. First I wanted to give Miz another title shot, but then I remembered what a shitty babyface he was. His character usually works, but that faggot can't get it right! The last time I made someone say retarded things and use his favorite wrestler's finisher, he was so over that we had to give him and Regal the Tag Titles...

... Fuck The Miz.

Winner: Stairs


Just another reminder here to download the Official WWE App, which you can do through your smartphone, for exclusive interviews with WWE Superstars that will BLOW YOUR MIND! That's not hyperbole either, as science has proven that the exclusive interviews with WWE Superstars shown on the WWE App have in fact been so compelling that people have declared witnessing them to be the single greatest moment of their life, thus leaving them without a reason to live any longer, which led them to eat a shotgun and blow their brains out...

... Download it now!


Latino Wrestlemañia Open



Since my new pet project, Zeb Colter, can’t get over as a face for some reason (what’s not to like?), we’re replacing the World Title match with some wetback segment…

THE MEXI-POWERS EXPLODE! Everyone knows that I'm only allowing Latinos to get over, so this match is going to be STUFFED with CALIENTE young hispanic talent, such as Alberto del Rio, Conquistador Dos, and The Great Khali wearing a sombrero! "Órale" indeed, as you Spaniards say! Who ever said that an old white man like myself tries way too hard to tap into minority markets? I ELECTRIFY all colors! ARRIBA!

It's a match that will make everyone scream "WHAT A MANEUVER!" approximately every seven fucking seconds. Hold onto your ponchos, because, in this match, there are going to be kicks and flips and all of that good luchador shit that makes you smarks cream your Star Trek-themed underpants. In fact, this will be the biggest gathering of minorities in one place since the blacks got together for the O.J. Verdict! Boy, that was fun! And scary!

Moving on... Some of you might be saying to yourselves:

Quote:

"Why a Latino Open, Vince? Why not a black open, where all of the participants are accused of raping the referee following the match? Why not an Asian open, where nobody watching gives a shit because Yoshi Tatsu is involved?"
First off, THAT'S MR. MCMAHON TO YOU, NOT VINCE! REFER TO ME BY MY FIRST NAME AGAIN AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS GETTING THE HART TREATMENT, GODDAMIT!

But to answer your question... Sometimes, if you want Mania Magic, you just have to stick a bunch of illegals in a wrestling ring and watch them hit some moonsaults on each other. That's just life. This also means that a storyline would not be necessary for this match, because the match, much like a day laborer, sells itself, DAMMIT! Besides, who needs a feud when all of these opponents are BEST FRIENDS? Everyone knows that all non-whites of the same descent are BFFs (this is the only reason Kofi & Truth were a tag team for so long), so why feud? Why feud when we can be friendly here? (As "friendly" as kicking your friend in the face and crashing onto his prone body with your entire body weight can possibly be).

So sit back, relax, and try not to wince too hard when Sin Cara botches a dropkick and breaks his neck ("WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE!").

Winner: Kevin Nash and his "vanilla midgets" rant

Now trending on Twitter... #LetsKillVince, #AngryMizGirlNudePics, #DanielBenoit, #DriversEdWithMachoMan

* * *

That's the whole card! It's Mania Magic at it's best! If you LOPers don't like it, go back to jerking off to ROH. I'm Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Fuck you.

Is There FINALLY an HIV Cure?

Jonathan Coachman discusses homosexuality in WWE

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Quote:

So Jonathan Coachman filled in on ESPNRadio's Colin Cowherd show last week. With him was Linda Cohn, a fairly well-known and respected female anchor.

And the topic was Did the NFL had the right to inquire about players possibly being homosexual as part of the NFL combine, it spun out of the Te'o story.

Coachman offered the following perspective. He said spent a decade in the WWE, where several of the wrestlers were openly homosexual and some of the hardcore/old timers were as well. And it was never an issue in his words. He talked about being naked and changing in front of the guys or guys changing in front of each other and it never coming up.

Cohn for her part, sounded very surprised as she said that Coachman had told these stories before (presumably off-air) about how wrestlers or wrestling involved a lot of skin on skin contact and that no one considered it a big deal.

Coachman continued saying they were on the road 5 nights a week and when you're on the road, a person's sexual orientation along with everything else comes out and people grow to accept it and move on. I believe Cohn further compared the situation to that of a family traveling together. They then went to break.

Personal Note: Cohn sounded very surprised when she chimed after Coachman spoke the first time although she had to know what he was going to say for the show's topic. I wonder if she just learned or heard those stories during the show prep.

The segment itself should be on ESPN Radio's Podcenter section for 'The Herd with Colin Cowherd' and it should be labeled as such if you want to go listen.
If the wrestler doesn't care, and most of the locker room doesn't care, there's no reason to make a huge deal out of it.

A round of 'Guess the Gays' anyone?

[nXt - R5] Freestyling: What Brock Lesnar Vs Triple H Needs

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I must admit, at first I was critical of the rematch between Brock Lesnar and Triple H taking place at Wrestlemania 29, but after seeing the segment between the two on RAW the other night, I'm feeling pretty excited about seeing them tie it up one more time. Looks like Hunter is pretty excited about the match too...







We know the match is going to take place and the storyline pretty much writes itself. However, one thing we don't know yet is the stipulation. Oh, you can bet your scrawny IWC asses there's going to be a stipulation. After beating the holy fuck out of each other at Summerslam in a No Disqualification match, their Wrestlemania encounter needs something equally brutal. I mean, can you imagine the disappointment if this was announced as just a normal singles match, with rules and stuff? No, fuck that. It needs to be big, nay, epic. It needs to be something that both men feel comfortable in. It needs to fit the storyline, and it needs to fit the occasion. My friends, I, Freeman, have the answer. Ladies and gentleman, I give you, at Wrestlemania 29, Triple H vs Brock Lesnar in...




A Lingerie Pillow Fight.




Wait, what?


Let's try that again. Ladies and gentleman, I give you, at Wrestlemania 29, Triple H vs Brock Lesnar in...



A Three Stages Of Hell match.


Now that's what I'm talking about. Take your Hell In A Cell or your Last Man Standing and shove it. This is one of the most fitting match types that WWE could sensibly do with Triple H and Brock Lesnar, and hell, it's Triple H's match goddamn it. There have only been 3 Three Stages of Hell matches in WWE's history, and Hunter's been in all of them. That's nine stages of hell in total that he’s been through, and if that doesn't make you respect the man's toughness, resilience and oiliness, then I don't know what will. This is also one of the freshest match types that WWE can go with here, as thanks to themed Pay Per Views such as Hell In A Cell and TLC, there are certain matches that have been a little overdone in recent years. Do you know when the last Three Stages Of Hell match was? June 2009. That's nearly four years ago, and bonus points if you actually remember it, because I sure as hell didn't when researching this column. Actually, it turns out that match in question was Triple H vs Randy Orton for the WWE Championship for the 328th time, and watching it again, it was pretty good. The reason I couldn't recall it was because it occurred during the neverending Game/Viper feud of 2009, and I think I died of boredom in April or May that year. In fact, some of you complaining about the prospect of a Lesnar/Hunter rematch could do a lot worse than to cast your minds back four years when Orton and Trips were squaring off. Every. Fucking. Week and realise you don't have it quite so bad.

But that's the thing about this match type; it's always produced the goods. Stone Cold vs Triple H from No Way Out 2001 is still one of the finest WWE matches of all time, and at the very least one of the best from the Attitude Era. Shawn Michaels vs Triple H from Armageddon 2002 was fucking brutal, and one of my favourite matches of the several hundred the two have had throughout the years. This match delivers, folks, and it would deliver if WWE decided to go with it at Wrestlemania this year. I've already mentioned that it suits Hunter to a tee, but let's not forget that Lesnar's stiff hardcore style is tailor-made for this environment too.



“then you just heat the burgers over the flame until they're juicy in the middle....”

You know what else I like about this match, though? It's always provided a degree of finality to a feud, and that's exactly what Lesnar and Triple H need here. Austin and Helmsley's long, personal rivalry came to an end at No Way Out, and the two even went on to form the Two Man Power Trip shortly afterwards. Michaels and Hunter's feud was over in 2002 when the two faced off in Three Stages Of Hell, and a few years later they went on to reform DX. Orton and Triple H finally came to some sort of resolution after their match at The Bash, and now they at least seem to be on speaking terms. Actually, judging by this match's track record, don't be surprised if Lesnar and Trips become best buds after this one's said and done, sending each other glittery Christmas cards during the holidays and beautiful flower arrangements on Valentines Day.

One of the most exciting aspects of Three Stages Of Hell, is the potential match combinations you can get within the stipulation. Personally, I'd have Triple H and Lesnar use the same blueprint as the No Way Out match consisting of a singles match, followed by a Street Fight and ending with a Steel Cage, as that seems pretty logical without overdoing it, but there are lots of possibilities. You could have an I Quit match, followed by a Last Man Standing match and ending with a Ladder match. Or you could have a Bra and Panties match, followed by a Badger On A Pole match and ending with a political debate about the current economic situation in the Sudan. Whatever WWE chose to go with, the point is that it would give their Wrestlemania match a bigger feel than their Summerslam tangle, and hey, that may just pop that precious buy-rate that little bit more.

While all that sounds pretty good, there are a couple of potential issues WWE may have with making this match a Three Stages of Hell. The first, is time constraints. Two of the three matches of this ilk have nearly hit the forty minute mark, which would eat into the time of the other matches on the Wrestlemania card. However, I would say that first of all, Lesnar and Triple H don't need to go to that sort of time, I'd say thirty minutes tops, and second, the only match which is going to get even close to thirty minutes is The Rock vs John Cena, so I don't really see the problem. Oh, you thought CM Punk and The Undertaker was going to get that sort of time? Sorry son, not with 'Taker being in the sort of shape he's in, no way. There were two matches that got thirty minutes at last year's 'Mania and everything was fine, and there was still time for Punk and Jericho to put on a twenty minute classic. This year, Punk and 'Taker could get twenty minutes, with Rock/Cena and Lesnar/Triple H in a Three Stages Of Hell getting thirty minutes with no problems.

The second issue WWE may have with unleashing Three Stages Of Hell at Wrestlemania, is the potential risk of overwhelming the crowd. Not only have you got two of the biggest stars in the industry in Lesnar and Triple H going at it, but the added Three Stages Of Hell stipulation could tear the house down. Unfortunately, this means that the crowd reaction for the other top matches potentially could suffer. However, if this match is placed in the middle of the card, and far away enough from the Cena/Rock main event like last year's Hell In A Cell, I see no reason why it can't work. Put CM Punk and The Undertaker before the main event, à la Punk and Jericho last year, and you've got yourself a great card. Three top matches with one featuring an epic stipulation seemed to work fine last year, and I see no reason why WWE can't repeat that success at Wrestlemania 29. Unfortunately, that means the World Heavyweight Title match will have to open the show again, and the potential show stealer between Kaitlyn and Alica Fox may not get the 45 minutes I was hoping for, but these are downsides I can live with if it means we get Three Stages Of Hell this year.

So there you have it. An epic, brutal match type that suits both competitors and provides a fitting finale to their feud. Book it, WWE. Or you know, you could just fuck it up like you normally do. I suggest celebrity involvement of some sort. I'm a big fan of the rapper 50 Cent; or, as he's known in Zimbabwe, Four Hundred Million Dollars, so you could throw him in the mix somehow.. Hey, let's go and see what Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are up to this week...


***



“Hello sirs, welcome to Moonlite BunnyRanch, how I may I help you?”

“Humble brothel skank, my name is Paul Heyman and I'd like my toes sucked. However, my client, Brrrrrock, Lesnarrr, has a balloon fetish. Brock Lesnar does not want any yellow balloons in Brock Lesnar's room. Brock Lesnar also requires that Brock Lesnar's special lady friend be completely hairless on her vagina, expect for a small landing strip that Brock Lesnar demands be exactly 0.25 inches wide and 0.63 inches long. As someone who is extremely famous and who values his privacy, my client, Brock Lesnar does not wish to be filmed by the morons who run this corrupt establishment, therefore, Brock Lesnar will require a room without a camera but with a soundproofed wall of exactly 10.3 inches thickness so that Brock Lesnar can have sex with Brock Lesnar's lady friend in peace. Since the Moonlite BunnyRanch is the reigning defending undisputed champion of legalised brothels in the United States and the free world, failure to comply with my client, Brrrrrock, Lesnarrr's demands will result in this establishment being slapped with a lawsuit of such gargantuan proportions that it might not recover from. You don't want to be responsible for something like that, do you humble brothel skank?”





...



“You want a gift certificate with that?”

Monday Night RAW: March 4th, 2013

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The Monday Night RAW Episode for the 4th of March, 2013: Ancient Order of Pyromites


Once In A Lifetime?


- Happy Birthday Today to Christopher "Crowbar" Ford, who turns 39.
- Happy Early Birthday to David Flair, who turns 34 on Wednesday. Also celebrating on Wednesday is Sean "Val Venis" Morley, who turns 42.


--- Today In Wrestling History: 1974... wait, really? Yes, indeed. It was Nikolai Volkov vs. Bruno Sammartino at Madison Square Garden that resulted in a 53-minute draw due to a curfew. Truth be told, nothing else happened this day, unless you count Chikara, but who knows what the hell that is... ... ...

Anyways, I'm not finding anything about that match in video form, if it would even exist, so I'll go with my back up. Here's an episode of Piper's Pit at MSG featuring Mr.Sammartino...



Tonight's episode of RAW is "Old School", featuring HHH & The Rock appearing to say stuff!


--- Questions To Ponder ---
- What do you expect Big Show will be doing at Wrestlemania next month?
- Anyone find it odd there's not much happening between John Cena & The Rock, who will face off for the WWE Title next month?
- Will any "legends" confront Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter on their American values?
- Will any "legends" get obliterated by The Shield?

--- Enjoy the show, everyone. Her name was something, face like leather, but yeah, who gives a damn... ---

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZeroTolerance View Post
Why is there a giant wet spot on your ass crack Hunter??

Quote:

Originally Posted by Allystare View Post
I like how Zeb Colter isn't exaggerated. He's obviously a parody, but he doesn't lay the redneck accent or any of those mannerisms too thickly. Also, Miz is so damn unbearable. And yes, this segment can only end in awkwardness. ADR should be all fired up after seeing his 'people' being disrespected, but he comes off as mild, tepid, and disinterested. Also, not digging the Spanish catchphrases.

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.O. View Post
I wouldn't want my daughter to be dating a guy whose shirt merely says Just Bring It.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAman View Post
People aren't going to give Cena nearly enough credit for this match, they'll say Punk carried him, which couldn't be further from the truth.

Good News! Starting next week, I'll be going up to 5 quotes because I feel sympathy for some of you!


INSANITY LIVE!!! from INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA!!! - VOTING and PROMO THREAD

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The scene opens backstage at the Wells Fargo Arena following the epic Honor Roll card. The crew is seen disassembling backstage equipment and hauling it out to the loading dock. Azreal is shown walking toward the exit, his bags slung over one shoulder. He suddenly stops and turns back, staring at a closed door. He steels his shoulders and walks over to the door, opening it without knocking. He stands in the hallway and looks into the room, the camera’s view remaining obstructed by all of the backstage goings on.

Azreal: I was hoping you’d still be here. No, no, I’m not here for a fight.

A moment of silence passes as Azreal stares into the room intently.

Azreal: There’s something you should know. It really pains me to say this, but…

Azreal heaves a sigh, and a look of genuine remorse and sadness comes over his face.

Azreal: I think Morpheus knows something more than he’s letting on. You know, about your… Situation. In fact, I’m sure of it.

Azreal stands there for a brief moment, the look of sadness remaining on his face.

Azreal: I just… I thought you should know.

Azreal slowly backs up and closes the door. As he turns and makes his way toward the exit, a sadistic grin splits his face as a loud crashing sound can be heard emanating from behind the closed door.

Azreal: Let the games begin.

*****

The scene cuts to the interior of Master Chief Phillips’ office, where he and Wilson are putting the finishing touches on the night’s work. The door is closed, and for once, there appears to be a sense of peace and quiet in the General Manager’s sanctum.

Chief: Not a great night for Insanity, what with being down 2-1 on the Altered Reality Scoreboard now, not to mention losing the Tag Titles back to Pyromania. I’m more than just a little annoyed about that one.

Wilson: We’ll get them back, sir.

Chief: I’m working on plans for that already, Wilson. And this fiasco with McDaygo… I have no idea what the Hell got into that manchild, but now Legal is telling me that we have to do psychological screening of our roster to ensure that this sort of thing won’t happen again. I tried to explain the irony of that, considering our brand name, but they seemed less than amused by the concept.

Wilson: I can imagine.

Chief: Anyway, we can worry about that later. First, we’ve got to finalize the card for the next Insanity.

Wilson: Well, we’ve got the Beat The Clock Challenge, right?

Chief: Yes, that contest will be Vertigo in its entirety. We’ve also got Nigel wanting to team up with Monroe against Phantom Lord and Ozzy.

Wilson: Are you going to allow that?

Chief: Sometimes it’s easier to just give him what he wants so he goes away. Besides, I can hold out hope that Ozzy and Phantom will wipe the floor with those two pains in my ass.

Wilson: True.

Chief: I have been told that because of licensing issues with the KoC sponsorship of that confounded energy drink, I can’t suspend McDaygo until the psych eval is completed, so it looks like Bobino’s getting his shot at the Hardcore Title that he earned last Insanity.

Wilson: We’ll need an extra security presence during that match, I think.

Chief: I agree. We’ll see to it on the night. Now, we will also have Brooks taking on Miss Montenegro, stemming from that Drunkfest tonight, and Pope Fred will take on The Mighty Dyno Might in a follow up to their tag team draw.

Wilson: Sounds like two good matchups.

Chief: I like to think so. The only thing we don’t have is a Main Event. I suppose we co-

A loud crashing sound echoes through the room, sending both Wilson and Phillips diving for cover behind the desk. The camera turns and shows the door, which has been splintered in the middle, with pieces of wood jutting out sharply from the surface.

Chief: What the Hell was that?

Wilson: Be careful, sir.

Master Chief rises and walks around the desk to the door, examining the damage that was done. He opens the door slowly, staring at the outside of the door for a moment before turning back to Wilson.

Wilson: What is it?

Chief lets the door swing inward and the camera pans in on a picture of Morpheus crudely pinned against the door with a large axe splitting the smiling face in half. At the bottom of the picture, written in scrawling red letters, is the word “Insanity.”

Chief: I think we’ve got our Main Event.




LPW INSANITY PRESENTS INSANITY LIVE!!! FROM INDIANAPOLIS!!!

Tonight’s Card

Vertigo 5.4


Beat The Clock Challenge
White Falcon vs. Dick Dynamo

Beat The Clock Challenge
Damien Blaze vs. Daientine

Winner of Beat The Clock Challenge Chooses Stipulation in United States Championship Match at Resurrection

INSANITY LIVE FROM INDIANAPOLIS!!!

Hardcore Championship Match
James McDaygo vs. Bobino

Singles Match
Paul Brooks vs. April Montenegro

Singles Match
Pope Fred vs. The Mighty Dyno Might

Tag Team Match
Nigel Vanderbilt & Monroe vs. Phantom Lord & Ozzy Crerar

MAIN EVENT – Singles Match
Morpheus vs. Krimson Mask

PLUS – PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATIONS OF INSANITY SUPERSTARS, THE RESURRECTION CARD IS ANNOUNCED, AND MUCH MORE!!!

PROMO ONLY UNTIL 11:59PM EST on SUNDAY, MARCH 10, 2013; PROMO AND VOTING UNTIL 11:59PM EST on TUESDAY, MARCH 12, 2013; VOTING ONLY UNTIL 11:59PM EST on WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13, 2013!!!

INSANITY LIVE!!! from INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA!!! - TRASH TALKING THREAD

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Nobody's perfect but I'm pretty fuckin' close
And I'm here to give you all a heavy heavenly dose
I think you'd better listen 'cause I know who you are
And I think that you should treat me like a superstar
Because I'm more than just a human, I'm a gift to all of you
And I'm here to make sure that my message gets through.
I wonder if you're really all as dumb as you look
Or are you smart enough to learn the rules of my book?

I hope you understand that the knowledge I bring
Puts me in the position of a God or a King
'Cause I'm blessed with the gift and the magic touch
And I wouldn't say that I'm asking for too much
All you have to do is get down on your knees and pray
And I promise you the remedy is on its way
But you could never be like me, so don't waste your time
Because I reign supreme and my position is Divine

[nXt - R5] Apathy By The F**kitload

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So the leash is off and we’re allowed to write whatever we want this round. The only challenge placed in front of me is to impress the reading world, to pull out all the stops and write something so inspired, so brilliant, that you, dear reader, can’t help but gasp in awestruck wonder at the excellence of my writing ability. Should I write something creative, or should I try to demonstrate an incredible insightfulness and stick with current events? I toyed with the idea of revisiting the Randy Savage/Stephanie McMahon scandal, of arguing that this company would be better after Vince McMahon is dead, hell I even contemplated writing about Chris Benoit... And then I thought “f**k it, what’s the point?”

Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a knock on this competition; when I say “f**k it, what’s the point?” I mean this:


If full-time, paid WWE writers can’t be bothered to write something inventive or original, where am I going to find the inspiration to do so?


After hours of painstaking thought, I asked myself: What Would Vader Do? Accordingly, I decided to give into my anger, and let it lead to hate, suffering, and the dark side. I pride myself on being able to find the good in bad situations, to find something positive to say when everyone else is negative, but right now it's beyond even my sunny disposition. So, with that in mind, I delve into historic MyLee territory and bring you:


Seven Things I Hate About You: Wrestlemania 29


1: John Cena vs The Rock

Let’s get the obvious one out of the way first, shall we? I get it, I really do: John Cena vs The Rock is the biggest match the WWE can offer us right now in terms of star power, and therefore it should main event Wrestlemania. Once. But do you honestly mean to tell me that their first match was good enough to warrant a second airing on the grandest stage of them all, at the very next event? How stale does a main event scene have to be for that to happen?

Even at the height of the Attitude Era, where there were two superstars head and shoulders above the others, we never had the same main event at two ‘Manias in a row. Yes, Rock and Austin were the big two, but people like Triple H, Jericho, Big Show, and Mankind could all be called upon to headline the big one in order to keep the company moving forward. Even if there had been injuries, Undertaker, Kane, or Kurt Angle could realistically have been promoted to headliner without any real effort. The main event scene was rich with talent, with personalities, and with potential for Wrestlemania main event after Wrestlemania main event.

Now, having spent the entire year getting behind CM Punk as the “best in the world”, WWE has decided that Rock and Cena is a safer bet, and so we have to sit through basically the exact same played-out storyline as we had this time last year. In the words of the great man himself, the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of Wrestlemania makes me sick. If you’re a big name on a part-time contract, I don’t have any problem with you headlining one ‘Mania in order to put over a superstar who needs it. But when you beat the face of the company, piss off for 9 months, and come back to bury the most significant title reign of the last 20 years to become a part-time WWE champion for the sake of your own ego? That’s not just ridiculous, it’s downright asinine.

2: CM Punk vs... What do you mean, you don’t know yet?

Speaking of the Voice of the Voiceless, there are 5 Raws left until Wrestlemania, and there’s been nothing announced for him whatsoever. All the signs point to him facing off against The Streak, but here’s a question: why? What good can possibly come from having CM Punk face The Undertaker, other than possibly to placate Mr. Brooks by calling it the third main event ? CM Punk will not defeat the deadman, which means he will have gone from being the WWE champion to being beaten by two of the Attitude era’s elder statesmen during the most watched time of the year.

Assuming that Punk faces, and loses to, The Undertaker, the unspoken message is quite clear: the current WWE roster can’t hang with the older superstars, despite being younger, fitter and hungrier than the already established names. Why would we even watch this? Just throw in the damn towel and start airing re-runs from 1995, there’s clearly no point watching the rank amateurs that currently compete when we could be watching these obviously superior superstars in their heyday.

By bottling CM Punk’s rightful claim to the main event, WWE has shot themselves in the foot. Wherever he goes, his stock has dropped significantly, and it won’t be easy to recover. I’ve mentioned him losing to Undertaker, but what if he’s shoehorned into the main event, making it a triple threat? What a ricockulous idea that would be. Even someone as gifted as CM Punk would be taking a backseat in that match on that event. At Wrestlemania, where the vast majority of viewers probably only watch 4-5 episodes of Monday Night Raw annually, CM Punk will be an afterthought. They’d be better off throwing him and Dolph Ziggler/Daniel Bryan (delete as applicable to choose your favourite) into a nothing feud and letting them tear the house down for 10 minutes.

It’s no secret that I’m a CM Punk fan, so obviously there’s an element of bias here, but I defy you to tell me that he hasn’t earned better than either a loss to a legend on the brink of retirement or a pity placing in a main event that is built entirely around the other two competitors. Wrestlemania 29 should be the night that cements CM Punk up there with John Cena; instead, the casual fans aren’t going to give him a second thought.

2.14159265359: The destruction of the tag division

Starting again with the “5 weeks until Wrestlemania” bit, what’s going on with this Daniel Bryan vs Kane match everyone assumes will be happening? With the stellar work those two have done this year, it seems implausible that they won’t be facing off on the grandest stage of them all, and yet here we are, 5 weeks away, and they’re still a (barely) functional team in possession of the tag team championship. WWE has once again backed themselves into a horrible corner, and there isn’t a “right” way out of it.

If Kane and Daniel Bryan lose the tag titles over the next couple of weeks then yes, there’s time to build the match for Wrestlemania that they both truly deserve. Brilliant, wonderful, even WWE can’t mess that up. Except they already have, because after months of making the tag division prestigious, there will be exactly zero teams who warrant a Wrestlemania match. Before you jump to disagree with me, Rhodes Scholars do warrant such a match, but there’s nobody for them to face apart from Hell No. The Prime Time Players? Primo & Epico? God forbid, 3MB? These are teams that are perfectly useful to have in the division, but they are also teams who have no place on the grandest stage of them all except maybe as some light comedy relief in the traditional Ron Simmons “Damn” segment.

There are, of course, other options. The New Age Outlaws vs Rhodes Scholars would be fantastic, but once again illustrates just how few really drawing superstars there are on the current roster. Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara is an option, but if those two are both going to be on the card then I can’t help but think we’d be seeing them go against each other instead of teaming up. Which leaves us with only one option: Kane and Daniel Bryan must continue to be the tag team champions. Which, obviously, means there will be no tag team championship match at Wrestlemania. Again. Wrestlemania 26 was the last time the tag titles were defended at the big one, and it was WM22 before that. It doesn’t matter if you spend 11 months building the tag belts into the most important thing in the whole damn company, if they ‘re not on Wrestlemania, they don’t mean s**t.

4: Sheamus vs Wade Barrett

I am an Englishman with Irish relatives, and as such I am the exact target demographic for this match. But do I care about it? No. Sheamus and/or Wade Barrett should be competing for one of the world titles, or at the very least beating bigger names on their way to competing for those belts at the next Wrestlemania. Once again, it seems like WWE is booking their way into a hole, because neither of these superstars needs a loss at Wrestlemania. Even the one who wins stands to gain very little from it. If Wade Barrett wins, he’s still the intercontinental champion, and not much will change. If Sheamus wins, he’s beaten a lesser superstar in a match that doesn’t really achieve anything for him.

It says a lot for the current product that I could almost live with this type of match, between two superstars of similar levels without much to gain, if I thought they were capable of tearing the house down and elevating themselves purely through the quality of their performance, but I don’t think there’s a single member of the IWC who really thinks that can happen. Sheamus and Barrett both work fairly slow styles, and neither has really demonstrated an ability to knock it out of the park when it really counts. As we’ve seen all too often recently, this is going to be yet another match where two superstars showing similar styles struggle to satisfy several-thousand spectators simply because they clash.

American and Canadian fans, I may be wrong, but I can’t imagine any of you are too enthralled about this match either. If I wasn’t English, I don’t think I’d much care for Wade one way or the other; since his return, he just hasn’t seemed able to recapture the intensity or crowd reactions he had before his injury. Sheamus, whilst still reasonably popular, seems to appeal more to the younger crowd than the older wrestling fan, and isn’t a sympathetic enough character for people to really invest in a match between him and a currently lacklustre heel.

Also, the premise of the feud is about a f**king movie that Wade Barrett is barely in. Why not just go the whole hog and have them feud over a new shampoo commercial?

5: Jack Swagger

Ah, Jack Swagger. Swagmeister. Swagman extraordinaire. The Swagathon. Swagalicious. Swagsel the Mouse Detective. Do you mind if I ask you just one teeny, tiny question?

What the f**k are you doing in a quasi-main event at Wrestlemania?

He’s been off television for what, 6 months? When he returned, did he get any sort of pop whatsoever? No. Half the people in the audience were wondering who the hell he was, and the rest were chuckling at the memory of him epically failing to retrieve a briefcase from a simple hook. Off the top of my head, I’d say Swagger falls behind Ryback, Cesaro, Sheamus, Barrett, Sandow, Rhodes, Bryan, Kane, Kingston, Miz... even the likes of R-Truth and Zack Ryder have a legitimate claim to being ahead of Jack Swagger for a title shot at Wrestlemania. But somehow, through the dark arts or blackmail, Jack Swagger would seem to be on his way to winning the World Heavyweight Championship a little over two months since his return.

I may not be the first person to say it, but that’s because it’s true: stop trying to make people by giving them the title, it doesn’t chuffin’ work! It didn’t work with Del Rio, it didn’t work with Sheamus, it didn’t work with Miz, and it damn sure didn’t work with Swagger the first time. When we, the WWE universe, are ready to see someone take the step up to the main event, we will tell you. We are ready to see Daniel Bryan take another crack at one of the world titles, we are ready for Dolph Ziggler to cash in his briefcase, but we are not interested in Jack Swagger. Give him a year, let him slowly build him and Zeb Coulter as a force, and then maybe, maybe he’d be in line for a title shot. But let us be the ones to tell you, not the other way around.

The worst thing about Swaggers return is simply the vast amount of superstars who will feel they deserve it more than him. As far as we’re aware, and I may be wrong on this but I haven’t heard anything to contradict me, Swagger has spent the last few months getting paid to do sod all, while the rest of the roster continues to the hectic touring schedule of the average WWE superstar. Ryback has lifted himself to a legitimate main eventer in a very short space of time, and giving him the World heavyweight championship at Wrestlemania makes much more sense than having Swagger back in the title picture. As with everything else on this list, and in the run-in to Wrestlemania, I just. Don’t. Get it.

6: Triple H vs Brock Lesnar

Really? Really? Really? REALLY? Are you seriously telling me not even one person put their hand up in a creative meeting and said “hey boss, I know you and Lesnar are quite big names, so surely it would make more sense to have you both put over some of the younger stars?” Could nobody see that Triple H losing to Sheamus in a Wrestlemania revenge rematch and Brock Lesnar being outmuscled by Ryback wouldn’t be much better for business, while simultaneously bringing in some older fans by including both of the bigger names on the card? Instead, we have what can best be described as a novelty match, except that this one will take up way more time than the likes of the gimmick battle royal or Mayweather vs Big Show because the two men involved are incredibly powerful, hugely egotistical, and will mistakenly believe that their match actually matters.

Lesnar vs Triple H has absolutely nothing to do with the current product, and that was sort of forgiveable when they wrestled at Summerslam, because just like John Cena vs The Rock, it was going to be a once in a lifetime match. Anyone else see a pattern emerging here? I f**king do. Having established that Brock Lesnar and Triple H can have a fairly unspectacular match in the main event, WWE has decided to drop them down to secondary main event at the grandest stage of them all. Well how fantastically average. Not only do we get a Wrestlemania rematch from just one year prior, we get a Summerslam rematch from 6 months ago. Would you like me to pay for WM29 by cheque, postal order, or shall I just drive to WWE headquarters and shove fistfuls of money into your letterbox until I just can’t shove no more?

The absolute best that we can hope for from this match is that some plucky young upstart heel will interfere and leave both of them a bloody mess on the floor of the ring, setting them up for a bumper year. Better yet, let’s have three plucky young upstart heels interfere and decimate both Triple H and Brock Lesnar. The obvious downside with that plan, of course, is that 3MB are already competing for the tag team titles against the Prime Time Players, so it’ll probably just have to be The Shield instead. Unless that happens, this match has about as much right to be on Wrestlemania as ‘Plan vs Academy-Award-Nominated-Actor Woody Harrelson.

7: Success despite themselves

In case you’ve skimmed over the previous 6 entries, let me give you the gist: I am angry about Wrestlemania. This is the time of year when it’s supposed to be great to be a wrestling fan. All the bad booking of the past year is meant to fly out of the window to be replaced by engaging storylines, dream matches, and above all else, excitement. Instead, what do we have? Apathy by the f**kitload. A main event scene dominated by rematches, an undercard full of matches that nobody really cares about, and far too much focus on reliving past glories instead of building for the future. I’m sure someone up in Titan Towers thinks this is the best card they can possibly give us, but they’re in a tiny minority against a hugely vocal majority that doesn’t want to watch the same old s**t as we did last year.

But the worst thing is, it doesn’t matter what I think. It doesn’t really matter what you think, either. Wrestlemania is going to be a success despite itself, and once the smoke is cleared, those of us who didn’t bother to order it will be right back in for another year of disappointment. As of this moment, I certainly don’t plan to order Wrestlemania, and it’s going to take some colossal changes to make me reconsider, but therein lies the problem: we go into Wrestlemania with such high expectations for a great show that even someone as angry about the card as I am is still covering his tracks in case I do decide to splash out £30-40 on an event that I have no interest in seeing. Why? Because it’s Wrestlemania. This could almost be a social experiment, building something up into such compulsive viewing that we watch it whether we want to or not.

In a couple of months time when they release the buyrate, Wrestlemania 29 will have been a massive success, probably even surpassing Wrestlemania 28, and the WWE writing team will be convinced that they’ve done a fantastic job and nothing needs to change. I hope, I really do, that I will remain strong and not part with my money this year. But even if I do, I know for a fact that I won’t be able to miss two Wrestlemanias in a row. So next year, I will cough up the cash, sit back, and enjoy the 30th edition of Wrestlemania, featuring John Cena vs The Rock, Brock Lesnar vs Triple H, CM Punk vs The Undertaker... F**k it, what’s the point?

[nXt-R5] El Gringo Loco: The All American-American Pencil Neck Geek

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As I hear the controversy surrounding Jack Swagger, I find myself deeply confused. You see, in 2006 the WWE introduced a faction called the Mexicools, and these 3 Mexicans came to the ring dressed as gardeners while riding on Juan Deere lawnmowers. Also in 2006, a African American tag team named Cryme Tyme came to the ring dressed as thugs and actually stole things from their opponents. In both cases, I didn’t hear one peep of complaining from the National Council of La Raza or the NAACP about how these characters are racist. Hell, I heard more complaints from white people about these gimmicks being racist than from us supposedly persecuted minorities. So as a Latino who loved him some Mexicools, I see the Jack Swagger gimmick and I have to wonder why is it mostly white people complaining about Jack Swagger?

Not so “Classy” Freddie Blassie

As soon as I saw where Swagger’s new gimmick was going, the legendary Freddie Blassie came to mind. Anyone who has followed wresting knows that anti-Latino gimmicks were not created by a masked indy wrestler. (See RJ Brewer, who claims Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter are stealing his anti-Latino gimmick in Florida.) As a native of California I was raised by a generation who considered Freddie Blassie one of the greatest wrestlers ever. Blassie was to California was Verne Gagne was to Minnesota/Chicago, Bruno Sammartino to New York and Fritz Von Erick was to Texas. However, as a villain of a territory with as much diversity as California, Blassie had to get a bit edgy when it came to drawing heat. For the heroes Blassie battled each week were are diverse as the crowd watching the match, and each week it would be the blonded Blassie who drew those fans in as they wanted to see their hero finally take the title off “King of all Men.”

Like any good father, my dad would tell me stories of when Freddie Blassie was a wrestler in the Los Angeles territory back in the early 60’s and 70’s. Think the old “uphill both way” stories, but with wrestlers. From 1960 to 1964 (when my father was 6-10 years old) Freddie Blassie came back to Los Angeles in the newly named World Wrestling Association (WWA), which like the WWWF had just left the NWA and now had their claim to a World title. The first person the WWA called on to represent their territory as champion was Blassie, who was a proven draw and had a unique way of gaining heat in the 1950’s, but never in the 50’s did he go as far as he did in the 60’s.

If the name San Bernardino sounds familiar as a wrestling fan, it might be because Freddie Blassie has talked in great detail of the hatred we had for him. San Bernardino has always been a diverse city as many Mexican workers moved there to work in the orange groves and grape vines. In the 1960’s, Freddie Blassie would come on KTLA channel 5 and he would cut promos on not just being the “King of all Men” and not just calling the fans “Pencil Neck Geeks,” but he would also insult the local Mexican wrestlers and talk about how he doesn’t need to wrestle “Mexican Jumping Beans.” No word yet on whether WWA was PG or not. WWA was based out of Los Angeles and held their weekly tapings at the Olympic Auditorium which drew huge crowds from East LA. My father was frustrated that he could never to get Los Angeles to see the man he hated so much, but not to worry because Blassie would come to him.

Each month the WWA held a show in San Bernardino and the local Mexican population would crowd the San Bernardino Sports Arena to see a local luchadore challenge Freddie Blassie. With as much heat as he got, Blassie was lucky if the worst thing that would happen was his car would be tipped over and set on fire. On one night, Blassie was unlucky and a fan actually stabbed him on the way to the ring. These events are covered in his book, but unless you were there you could never understand the hate for this man by the Hispanic population. Blassie would have to have armed guards escort him to the ring, the environment was that toxic. From Los Angeles to San Bernardino to Tijuana, Mexico, Freddie Blassie was on top of the wrestling world, and this brought great anger to the local fan base, especially the Mexican population. Even to this day you can catch my dad just laughing at it now and saying, “scientific wrestler” or “pencil neck geek” and shaking his head. Now he knows that it was all a show and he laughs at himself for getting so worked up over it.


"Classy" Freddie Blassie as WWA Champion in the 1960's

Pushing the Limits Then and Now

What has changed since the 1960’s? Well for one there is only one company. WWE is now the world leader in professional wrestling, and what they do is how people view wrestling. Nowadays people are sensitive to how characters are portrayed each Monday on WWE Raw. This envelope that is pushed by the WWE every so often has to be done in a different way than in years past. In the 1980’s, you’d be hard pressed to find someone more hated than the Iron Sheik. The Iron Sheik, with Freddie Blassie of course ,sparked the same reaction from the American crowds that Freddie Blassie sparked from the Mexican American crowds in the Los Angeles area. Still, no matter how successful the Iron Sheik was at getting heat, you cannot recycle the gimmick but instead you have to be smart on how you rework it in order to meet today’s audience.

Racial gimmicks can no longer be, “I’m from another country therefore I hate America.” How much heat is Antonio Cesaro drawing again? Not Much (though I don’t blame Cesaro, but instead the creative team with giving him such an outdated gimmick)! Today’s society, you need look around you, and you need to see who is watching your product. When Freddie Blassie looked out at the Olympic Auditorium, he saw a section of the crowd he can piss off by insulting them and the “Jumping Bean” wrestler who looks like them. Today when the WWE sees its audience today, they have to know that there are many Latinos who watch now. In fact the WWE has claimed 20% of their audience is Latino. When you watch the news after the presidential election, you’d think only Latinos votes matter. Latino, Latino, Latino! Man, you’d think we just took over the country. ¡Viva la Revolución!

The WWE is a reflection of society, and they see an issue they can tackle. They went and signed the biggest name in Mexico and he… flopped. That’s okay, they already had one of the highest drawing Chicano (Mexican born in the US, for those wanting to know what Chicano means) wrestlers of all time, but his body is breaking down with each match. But never fear, there is one more Latino savor of the WWE. He is to the WWE what Marco Rubio is the Republican Party in the US (token Latino?), he is ALBEERRTTO DDEEEEEEEEL RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOO! The WWE is hoping he will win over the Latino crowd. The problem is the WWE has sold Del Rio as Latino from privilege, now Del Rio is trying to fight for the people he called peasants. It just might have worked except he cut promos like this:


Man, how in the world is the WWE going to sell this man as a hero to the Latino community now? He just insulted the whole Chicano population.

Many say Jack Swagger and Uncle Zeb Colter are copying Justin Bradshaw Layfield; but the problem with just looking at JBL is the fact that Eddie Guerrero was already over. When you look at the JBL/Eddie Guerrero feud, it turned out Eddie got JBL over as a bad guy more than JBL got Guerrero over as a sympathetic figure. Instead Jack Swagger and Uncle Zeb Colter more closely resemble Freddie Blassie. You see, each luchadore Freddie Blassie would wrestler every month in San Bernardino was not over with the crowd, and many times the crowd didn’t know who he was. All they needed to know was that the luchadore was wrestling Blassie that night, and that was good enough for them. Do we Latinos like cheering Del Rio? Sure we do. But Latinos may like booing Jack Swagger more than they like cheering Del Rio.

What Makes Jack Swagger Different

What you are seeing is what you are getting with Swagger. The gimmick is designed to get Del Rio over as a face and Swagger over as a future champion. On the way, like many great gimmicks, it’s a reflection of society. In the 1960’s, racism was dying out as acceptable behavior in California and someone like Freddie Blassie would get booed out of arenas everywhere. In the 1980’s, as the WWF went national, different regions had different expectations of what a hero was, so you had to have over the top villains like the Iron Sheik. Xenophobia was highly acceptable during this time as the United States was in the depth of the Cold War and we were dealing with crises in the Middle East. In the 1990’s, many felt racism was all but dead so it was okay to have the black separatist be the villains against the white biker gang. And in the 2000’s we were not going to boo minority racial stereotypes but we did not like the Muslim guy calling us out on our xenophobia with people from the Middle East after 9-11.

As we now live in a society in which white people are becoming a minority, Latinos are now on pace to become the majority within my lifetime. Read that, if I live to be 60, I will see a Latino majority! With that fact there is backlash among a vocal minority in the white population, mostly seen in the Tea Party, who claim Latinos are here to take their jobs. The Tea Party has used many racist messages to talk about the president and Latino voters. Many Latinos see the Tea Party in a negative light.

Zeb Colter: “I see people with faces not like mine, I see people that I don’t even know what they’re saying. They can’t even talk to me. And I look around and I think, where did all these people come from? But most importantly I think, how do we get rid of ‘em?”

This angle works because it strikes a chord of what some people are really thinking. For the first time since the WWF's national expansion, xenophobia is portrayed in wrestling and we are not battling evil Iranians, or the evil Japanese, the evil Canadians. (I personally have never trusted any country that has hockey as a national sport. Instead America is seeing itself as the bad guy and the Mexican character as the good guy. We have come full circle back to the days of Freddie Blassie and the random luchadore. Jack Swagger’s America has successfully turned back the clock to a time when America was grand. Zeb Colter has asked where has his America gone, and I am here to say that his movement has brought America back to the golden age of Freddie Blassie and the WWA. We are in Jack Swagger’s America, and it’s everything that my dad told me it was.


And maybe in a Jack Swagger America, he too will one day wear a sombrero and honor the Hispanic people like Freddie Blassie eventually did in his California face turn in the 70's. Oh that's a different column for a different day.

[NXT - R5] The Knight's Report - The Bullshit of WrestleMania or Thanks be to BK

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Greetings and salutations Nation! It’s time for more awesomely sensational journalism, straight from my mind to your mind. Let’s get this epic mind-meld started!



Nation, I think it’s obvious to all of us that we have reached an absolutely unacceptable position in our march towards what is supposed to be the pinnacle of our wrestling fandom. WWE is systematically throwing away their devoted and loyal fan-base for the wants and desires of the miserable idiotic masses. Think about all the inequities that have been forced upon us over the course of the last few months. Ever since the Royal Rumble we have been living in some kind of dystopian nightmare. Your incandescent friendly neighborhood BK will tolerate it no longer. We will make our mark!

We know next to nothing about the great black void that is the WrestleMania card! For the love of all that is holy, we’ve only got a month left! They are deliberately spitting upon our divine rights as fans. When we are a month out from Mania, your Beacon of Wisdom and Knowledge should know the path for every single member of the roster. I should be able to correctly predict every outcome and story beat of the event. How can I prove my righteousness and glory to the populace if WWE doesn’t give me enough details ahead of time? I need to make my pontifications Nation, and they are denying me that which is my right!

It’s complete and utter bullshit to make us wait this long! What, those morons think revealing the card slowly will lead to some kind of intrigue for the coming weeks? Who in their right mind wants any kind of intrigue when it comes to wrestling? Just tell me the fucking card so I can decide whether or not to order the damn show. Nation, do you know how complicated it is to order a PPV nowadays? I’m not just going to push a magic button hours beforehand and then boom, instant WrestleMania! I’ve been a fan for almost 30 years, and that’s not how things work! I need at least a 3 months of solid psych-up time to truly be able to enjoy WrestleMania. What kind of fan would I be otherwise?

At this point it’s a hopeless cause anyway. There are only 12 hours of precious television time left to develop any kind of storylines! The “fact police” will tell you there are 22 hours left, but seriously who watches Smackdown? And get out of here with that Main Event nonsense. None of it matters anymore. We are at game over. The quote unquote “wrestling show” spent an entire WrestleMania build-up episode encouraging its audience to interact with them on the internet. What a god-damned travesty. I can’t believe they think that any of us would degrade ourselves with their bullshit propaganda in order to become internet-famous. How messed up would our priorities be if the only reason we put up with their continued stupidity was to bitch about it on the internet! Aren’t we better than that?

Nation, it’s become ridiculously obvious that WWE will fill those remaining hours of television with pure and utter garbage. At least 11 of those hours will be replays. How stupid do they think I am that I can’t remember something that happened less than an hour ago? Don’t give me that repeating something for emphasis bullshit Heretics. Who repeats something for emphasis? Repeating something for emphasis has to be the most asinine way to make your point. Repeating something for emphasis - meh! Why would anyone bother with that crap?

Think about those poor fools in the audience that have to suffer through those replays. At least we have the option to fast forward. All that those stupid chumps in the live audience can do is gaze lifelessly at the ‘Tron while the ring crew scurry around tightening ring ropes, changing canvas and aprons, wheeling the camera boom into place, and setting and removing pyro. 4-5 minutes of that bullshit for every hour of the show? That’s insanity! That’s the time that should be devoted to actual wrestling!

Instead, when people are actually wrestling, that’s when they cut to commercial! I ask you Nation, what the hell kind of business model is that? Are you telling me that to see an uninterrupted match that’s over 5 minutes long I either have to order a PPV or buy a ticket to watch it live? What kind of incentive is that? They can’t even be bothered to show the wrestlers' complete entrances! It’s jobber entrance after jobber entrance. How are we supposed to become invested in someone if we can’t even watch them walk to the ring? Why are they stripping away all the excitement? If they aren’t going to reward me for my intrinsic and devout loyalty with free matches, I’m sure as hell not going to give them my money for it. How stupid do you think I am?

And speaking of stupid, it’s high time that we establish some kind of screening process for the mouth-breathers that are filling the arenas to watch this drivel. 90% of all our problems are being caused by these idiots. Take last week for example Nation. Brock Lesnar shows up to destroy the hopeless out of touch Vince McMahon and spare us another one of his rambling speeches. Of course, who decides to stick his huge unwanted nose in? There is a long line of bullshit that absolutely no one is interested in, and Triple H vs. Lesnar II is at the top of that list. We all know that. You’d be a complete fool if you didn’t understand that.

But what do those mongoloids in attendance have the supreme gall to do? Motörhead beings blaring that played out old theme, and those ass-hats went ape-shit. Are you kidding me? You people go crazy for Triple H, but sit on your douchebag hands for Dolph Ziggler? Look at the two of them and tell me who deserves that push. Ziggler has the complete package, but those dumbass marks are too stupid to realize it. When did wrestling become a damned popularity contest?

So now we get to suffer through Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar again. Joy! WWE seems to have this delusion that booking this rematch as a bloody visceral fight will somehow get people to care about it. If people wanted to watch MMA, they’d watch MMA. What kind of cross-over appeal do you think one more Brock Lesnar fight is going to have? This is more important than getting some of the younger guys on the card time in the spotlight? What the hell is creative thinking?

That’s right Nation, WWE creative doesn’t think. If they had any sense whatsoever they wouldn’t have wasted the greatest wrestling accomplishment of my lifetime. CM Punk racked up victory after victory for 434 days only for those idiots on the creative team to dismiss all of his hard work to appease The Rock. The fucking Rock, who all of sudden decides that he wants to be a wrestler again. And who asked him to come back Nation? Weren’t we getting along just fine without him? Was there anyone out there that was clamoring for The Rock to return? We as an educated audience seriously need to do something about the cretins that are driving these kinds of asinine decisions. They are ruining our good name as wrestling fans and I for one refuse to be associated with them.

So not only did the Hollywood jack-off end the absolute best title reign ever for no reason, he was the one that got to get rid of the spinner belt! That honor should have gone to CM Punk. It’s just not fair Nation. Why would they treat CM Punk this way? He is the best in the world and time and time again the WWE shows him nothing but disrespect. Now in the ultimate insult, he doesn’t even get to headline WrestleMania. CM Punk is being forced to slum it with The Undertaker!

Can someone please explain to me what possible benefit can come from working a program with The Undertaker at WrestleMania? Is that how you reward the man that revolutionized your product? Undertaker is going to BURY CM Punk at WrestleMania. He’s lost for the past two PPVs and his match with John Cena; what kind of momentum could he possibly have? You can’t come off an unprecedented reign as champion, lose three matches, then beat three former world champions and still be seen as a credible challenger can you? I didn’t think so. No one beats the Undertaker at WrestleMania, and there has never been any enjoyment in entertaining the possibility that someone is going to. Anyone that says any different is a fucking hypocrite.

And let’s talk about WWE’s hypocrisy for a moment here Nation. Jack Swagger gets arrested for DUI and possession of marijuana and he gets to still headline Mania like it doesn’t matter at all. Yet for some reason I haven’t seen any mention of the WrestleMania XX main event in years. Does that seem fair to you?

You know what else isn’t fair? The complete and utter waste they’ve made of Ryback. He was the hottest thing going, but then they had him lose. No one is going to care about how strong he is or the destruction that he can unleash inside the ring unless he has a huge undefeated streak. Look what happened to Goldberg. Once that streak was broken, no one cared about him anymore. Ryback’s streak was broken before it could ever really begin because WWE are idiots that don’t learn from the past.

Of course I’m leaving out the ultimate lesson not learned from a past mistake. WrestleMania 29 is going to have the exact same match as last year for the headliner, except this time it’s going to be for the WWE Title. How absolutely moronic is that?

WrestleMania 29 – The Rock vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship.

Does that sound like the kind of match that should be headlining WrestleMania in 2013? Do you really think there are that many people that want to see that match again? 1.3 million house-holds already bought WrestleMania 28 to see that match. Is there really going to be a demand for an encore? I don’t think that sequels ever do as well as the original. If they had made it a Triple Threat and added Punk then it probably would be match of the year, but we aren’t that lucky. Instead we’ll either see John Cena rise up against the odds again as the true definition of the persevering hero, or we’ll see The Rock cement his status as the quote unquote “absolute greatest of all time”. Do either of those scenarios sound like what the main event of WrestleMania should be like? Is that what real wrestling fans want to see?

Nation, I know there are those of you out there that completely agree with my gospel. I can sense the disenfranchised and disgusted spirit flowing out from you. Don’t fret, because I am going to unite you under a common banner. It’s time for you to step into action. Come April 7th you need to declare loudly and in one proud voice that you are not going to order WWE WrestleMania 29. You will be above this ludicrous excuse for a super-card. Stand together as I have commanded you, and don’t order Mania 29. Those blessed ones that follow my word will be rewarded with the truth to wear as a badge of honor. You will have separated yourselves from the idiocy of the casual fans that don’t understand the true reality of professional wrestling. After you have abstained from the debacle that is sure to come you will be able to bear witness to the aftermath. I say to you this day, those that follow my word on this mission will know once and for all their place in the grand scheme of the WWE Universe. And I will be there looking down upon you with a smile.


Good Night Nation.

#BKforPope

WrestleMania 29 - CM Punk vs. The Undertaker

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I know that a lot of people were probably excited about The Undertakers return tonight and the fact that he’ll be wrestling again at WrestleMania. I however am not in that camp. The only comfort I’ll have from seeing him drag his broken down body to the ring for his once a year match is if CM Punk does what no one else has been able to do in 20 matches and bury The Undertaker once and for all ending the WrestleMania streak.

Now having said that I must confess that I don’t believe for a second it’s going to happen.

Cheating/Affairs

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Let's cut the BS.

I've been with my most recent girlfriend for 2 and a half years, and have been faithful. But my history is more than tarnished, and temptation is always there. It's a hard subject to discuss with friends, since they usually know the GF, so it's a touchy subject. But I don't feel abnormal with my temptation, and have a hard time thinking more people don't fight this often enough.

I'm not asking everyone to share their sordid stories, but I'd like to hear if I'm the only guy battling monogomy, and if I'm not alone, how do others deal with it?

I think I've pinpointed my issue: the chase. I'm not unhappy in my relationship, and I'm satisfied sexually. But I miss going after women and finding a new connection. Sure, I would love the actual experience in bed as well, but it's not what I'm after. I think it's more about knowing I still could if I wanted to. Well, this, on top of always wanting to find that woman I could claim as the hottest/best I've ever been with.


I don't consider myself normal in the sense that I don't want marriage or kids. I'm 31, and still have no desire to breed, and marriage is essentially against my religion. But I don't think it's abnormal that I still want to meet, chase, and fuck more women. Am I wrong?

The New Age Outlaws

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So the 5 time WWE Tag Team Champions and one of the more successful and popular tag teams of the Attitude Era wrestled on RAW for the first time in 13 years. They beat the team of Primo & Epico pretty soundly and in my opinion looked good doing it. In a time when the tag team division seems to be influx I wonder what everyone would think about utilizing them for a short run to help establish new teams. Maybe even put the tag titles on them since it seems that the days of Team Hell No as champions are numbered. Team Rhodes Scholars already issued a challenge for a match against them next week on RAW and a little mini feud with an established and popular team could do a lot for them or even the Prime Time Players.

Smark vs Mark RAW Review

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mark.jpgvssmark.jpg
The gong rings, the lights fade, smoke pours from the entrance ramp, signaling the return of a dead man ready to defend his streak. The Undertaker appears, slowly rising his arms to reveal the Wrestlemania logo on the TitanTron, confirming the rumors of another Wrestlemania epic.

Smark: Are you kidding me? After all the hype WWE simply has Undertaker appear? No words? No confrontation? No nothing? Just Undertaker standing there under a WrestleMania logo, really WWE, that’s the best, you can do? I already didn’t care about the Undertakers return, and after this waste of an appearance I might as well pencil a smoke break into his spot on the Wrestlemania card.
Mark: OMFG!!!! THE UNDERTAKER IS BACK!!!!!!! REST IN PEACE!!!!!!!!

An old-school promo video leads us to Cult of Personality, as a visibly displeased CM Punk makes his way to the ring. After some complaining, Punk officially states his intentions to end the streak, but Randy Orton has something to say about that, and begins making his case for a rematch with The Deadman. The interruptions don’t end there; both Big Show and Sheamus share why they deserve the match at Mania. Four guys want the same match! How in the world will this problem be solved? Not to fear, Vicki Gurrero has a solution; a fatal four way to determine Undertaker’s Wrestlemania opponent.

Smark: For once I would like to be surprised by WWE, but I guess that is too much to ask. So far every rumor I’ve been reading for months has come true, and now yet another uninspiring match has been confirmed. I have absolutely no desire to watch Wrestlemania this year.
Mark: Can it get any better than this? Not only did The Undertaker return, but WWE is going to determine his opponent tonight! Honestly I could care less who wins the match, I’d be up for seeing anybody try and beat Taker at Wresltemania.

The first match of the nights features the United States Champion taking on Ryback, continuing a series of confrontations between the two heavy-hitters. A back and forth match ensues, seeing Cesaro use his environment to his advantage, while Ryback relies on his strength to get the job done. Brawn overpowers brain this time, as Ryback counters into the Shell-Shock to pick up the victory. As Ryback leaves he runs into an entering Mark Henry, possibly hinting towards a confrontation between the two.

Smark: How many goddamn times are we going to see this match? What will make the outcome any different than the other 100 matches between the two? To nobody’s surprise Cesaro loses. WWE might as well hold a twitter poll to determine the next US champ, as it’s clear the title holds no value whatsoever. On a side note, it looks like they‘re setting up a Henry/Ryback Mania match, what a barn-burner that will be!
Mark: I can’t understand why Cesaro keeps calling out Ryback. It’s clear he can’t beat him, so why does he keep trying? I’m not complaining though, I’ll take every chance I get to see Cesaro take a beating, especially at the hands of Ryback. Oh No! Ryback and Mark Henry just had a stare down. Rybacks strong and everything, but I don’t think he should mess with the World’s Strongest Man.

Henry’s in the ring and its jobber bashing time. Zack Ryder gets the honors and is destroyed in under a minute. That’s what he does folks.

Smark: I wonder what Zack did to management to get buried like he has. I get it, Henrys a monster, but do they really have to destroy other wrestler’s credibility to make that point?
Mark: Zack Ryder still wrestles?

Next the IWC’s favorite son will be taking on a man who is quite possibly the most hated wrestler among the internet fan base. Ric Flair makes an appearance; reminding us that tonight Raw is old school. A highly contested battle ends with The Miz forcing Ziggler to submit to the figure four, leading to a Ric Flair Ham sesh. WOOOOO!

Smark: Dolph Ziggler’s career is officially over. Despite being the most talented man on the roster, Ziggler continues to lose. It was one thing when he was losing to Cena, but a loss against the Miz destroys any credibility Ziggler once had. He might as well jump ship to TNA, as its clear WWE has no plans for him.
Mark: WOOOOOO! Is it good to see Ric Flair again or what? I’ve loved Flair ever since his ladder match with Edge, and his alliance with the Miz is slowly turning me into a Mizfit. MIz pickes up a big victory against Dolph Ziggler, which I’m glad to see, as Dolph really gets under my skin claiming he’s the best all the time.

The Rock is in the building! After a long entrance, The Great One gets on the stick and electrifies the crowd. Before he has a chance to belittle women any further, John Cena makes his entrance. Let the verbal sparring begin! Cena starts off serious, claiming The Rock has no concept of failing, and that he is responsible for the implosion of his personal and professional life. Rocky responds by spouting off Cena’s redeeming qualities, only to spit on them by saying his are better. A few back and forths and a couple of quotes later, The Rock stands tall as the victor of this battle of wits.

Smark: Oh Joy! We get treated to a twenty minute segment to hype the main event of Rematchamania. Seriously WWE I barley cared about the first match, why make me sit through a second one? After a bunch of meaningless talk with some catch phrases sprinkled in, I am left with a sick feeling in my stomach, knowing that Wrestlemania is going to be shit this year. At least Cena got tooled on the mic.
Mark: Turns out it can get better, Cena and Rock just stole the show! What a confrontation between the two! That argument has me so excited for WrestleMania I can barely take it!

Are you ready for some propaganda? We the People make their way to the ring, followed by WWE’s go to legend squad. Before the match can get going, Swagger takes out Team America with a 2x4, successfully turning up the heat on Swagger’s heel persona.

Smark: WWE are such hypocrites. They have no problem firing NXT talent when they get DUI's, so why not do the same to Swagger? Oh that's right, Glen Beck mentioned the angle so Jack gets a free pass.
Mark: Assualting old men with a 2x4 doesn't sound very American to me. Just wait till Alberto gets his hands on you Swagger.

It’s time for the weekly appearance of Hell No, and this week’s segment is another match with the Prime Time Players. To keep the match fresh The Million Dollar Man accompanies PTP, I guess to try and fill the gap left by Abraham Washington. After the Hell No victory, Dibiase does the hundred dollar bill routine on Young, which allows Daniel Bryan to pocket some spending money for after the show.

Smark: Can Hell No just break up already? I understand they were intended to inject life back into the tag division, but they have failed to do so, and WWE seriously needs to move on.
Mark: Everybody’s got a price, even Daniel Bryan. I was cracking up when he snuck back to grab the hundred dollar bill. I doubt I’ll ever get tired of Team Hell No’s shenanigans.

The camera reveals a shot of a certain Elvis impersonator, shaking and rattling like old times. The Honky Tonk man is back, and he is out for the match involving the musical acts of the WWE. After a roll up ends the match, Honky lands the guitar shot on Heath Slater, then proceeds to shake, rattle, and roll with the big men. Don’t be cruel, its old school night.

Smark: This whole segment was horrible, but at least they contacted a different legend for once.
Mark: That was a weird debut for a wrestler, not even one vignette hinting at his debut. I guess he’s some sort of Elvis impersonator, could be entertaining.

FAN DAN GO! Looks like another false debut for the dancer, hopefully someone gets his name right soon.

Smark: I put up with lazy booking, unwarranted pushes, and predictable matches, but I will draw the line at ballroom dancers. If he gets a spot on the Mania card I will stop watching completely.
Mark: Darn it Roberts! Fandango was finally going to wrestle and you had to go and ruin it!

It’s time to play the game! Triple H is back, and he is ready to address the WWE universe. He stretches his tout into a ten minute promo calling out Brock Lesnar. The question is, will Brock just stand there and bleed?

Smark: Another promo, another rematch. I haven’t decided which my least favorite rematch is, but after that promo I’m leaning towards this one.
Mark: Your move Lesnar! Triple H proved that not only is he not scared of you; he’s back in full form ready to kick some ass. If Lesnar accepts this is going to be the best Wrestlemania ever!

Is there about to be a champion vs champion match on free TV? Ricardo Rodriquez confirms, introducing Alberto Del Rio as Wade Barrett’s opponent. As the match gets under way, WTP appear on the entrance ramp, distracting ADR somewhat, but not enough to cost him the match. ADR gains momentum at the expense of Wade Barrett with a solid submission victory.

Smark: Someone grab the shovel, Wade Barretts on my TV screen. This week its ADR who gets to bury the barrage, and I get distracted trying to determine which midcard title means less. By the time I’m finished so is the match, along with my hope for a Barrett push.
Mark: I’ve hated Wade Barrett ever since he got John Cena fired. Luckily he keeps losing, this week submitting to the cross-arm breaker.

Oh you didn’t know? This RAW is olddd schooollll. Driving home the nostalgia, The New Aged Outlaws return for a match on Monday Night RAW against the Colons. Billy Gunn lands the fame-asser, and The NAO picks up the win in a fun return match.

Smark: It’s sad to watch a talented team such as Primo and Epico job to a bunch of has beens. If the WWE had any brains they would have had The NAO put them over to establish them as a team. Key word if.
Mark: SUCKKK ITTT! I love DX but I must have missed the episodes where these guys appeared. It sure would have made dealing with The Spirit Squad easier.

What would old school RAW be without a Mae Young segment? A celebration is held for Mae’s 90th birthday, and the whole roster is out to celebrate. CM Punk interrupts the celebration with his entrance, and it’s time for the main event of the evening. Two Heels, Two Faces, One Streak, who will emerge victorious? After a decent match that question is answered by a GTS by Punk. His celebration is cut short by The Undertaker, who stares him down as RAW goes off the air. After a night of old school, The Undertaker returned, Triple H issued a challenge, and The Rock returned to form on the mic. Wrestlemania is slowly coming together, and will continue to do so from here on out which should make for some exciting Television in the coming weeks of Monday Night Raw.

Smark: I knew Punk’s title reign was too good to be true. Now the truth comes out, and WWE is going to bury him in four big matches in a row. That should slide him down the card far enough to allow Cena’s light to shine bright. I somehow managed to sit through another horrible excuse for a wrestling show that left me wondering why I continue to put myself through this torture.
Mark: PUNK VS TAKER AT MANIA!!! BEST WRESTLEMANIA EVER!!!! I can’t wait to see Punk get tombstoned straight to hell. Wrestlemania can’t get here soon enough.
Attached Images

RIP Paul Bearer

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Only 58 years old. Where does he rank on the greatest managers of all time?

Bull from a Bulldog #5: Sports Entertainment

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Welcome to the latest column written by someone with a famous surname who has taken advantage by plagiarising it into their username and found a mildly amusing way to incorporate that tenuous link into a column title. (If someone artistic wants to create a nice logo for me, feel free to get in touch).

I guess we’re all used to the fact that wrestling is now considered “Sports Entertainment”. Have you ever stopped to think about that phrase though? From Dictionary.com:
Sport: “an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature, as racing, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc.”
Entertainment: “the act of entertaining; agreeable occupation for the mind; diversion; amusement”

The very fact that the official definition of sport includes wrestling as an example speaks volumes to me. Wrestling is a sport, (probably even the original sport) and that fact should never be forgotten (IOC, take note). No matter how much the professional version of the sport is pre-determined the fact that it is “an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess” means it is very definitely still a sport. The definition of sport even states that it is “often of a competitive nature”. Often is not Always. If sport doesn’t have to be competitive, then wrestling’s pre-determined nature does not preclude it from being considered a sport.

But what about the entertainment part of the phrase though? Is wrestling entertainment?
Using the context of the dictionary definition of entertainment, I would have to say that wrestlers do what they do as part of the act of entertaining; wrestling provides it’s fans with an agreeable occupation for the mind, a diversion, and most importantly, amusement.
I’m now going to repeat that sentence a couple of times.
Boxers do what they do as part of the act of entertaining; boxing provides it’s fans with an agreeable occupation for the mind, a diversion, and most importantly, amusement.
Footballers do what they do as part of the act of entertaining; football provides it’s fans with an agreeable occupation for the mind, a diversion, and most importantly, amusement.
Now repeat that statement featuring the sport(s) of your choice. It works for everything.

I assume you have by now realised the point I’m making. Wrestling is sport. Sport is entertainment. If “Sports Entertainment” exists, it doesn’t just include wrestling, it includes all sports. Without the entertainment factor, sport has no real reason to exist. If sports weren’t entertaining, nobody would watch them. If nobody watched them, they wouldn’t have grown into the huge juggernauts they have become. Whether you are talking about Formula 1, football, rugby, the NFL, the Olympics or WWE, you absolutely have to have the entertainment side of things to allow the sporting side of things to exist. Without it they would merely be sideshows at a village fayre.

The WWE Universe (I hate that term) can learn a lot from other sports. Every sport show I’ve watched has followed a similar format (I assume the format is the same internationally). You tune in knowing what match(es) you are going to see. The show starts with a panel of experts analysing the recent performance of the competitors. There are some interviews (both live and pre-taped) with the competitors, their management and other related people. The match is shown, then you go back to the panel of experts for more discussion & interviews. How easy would it be to present WWE programming in this format? More to the point, how awesome would it be to present WWE programming in this format?

Think about it. The panel of experts could be made up of all sorts of people. Wrestlers. Managers. Legends. Commentators. Celebrity guests. I’ll let you pick your own dream panel, but just imagine the possibilities. Obviously there would be some regulars who are actually employed by WWE (e.g. Paul Heyman, JBL, William Regal), but especially when it comes to the legends it would be a great opportunity to feature someone on an occasional basis (e.g. Steve Austin, Roddy Piper). It would be particularly awesome if you could pick anyone from wrestling history and have people like Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan involved, but now I really am just dreaming. Each show would also have an anchorman and at least one backstage interviewer adding to the discussion – obviously guys like Matt Striker & Josh Matthews would be perfect for these roles.

If necessary this could easily make up a show in it’s own right, but it would be best used as a way to bridge the gaps between matches and promo’s that get featured on the show. All the replays that are shown for no apparent reason other than to fill a bit of time? Discussion by the panel of experts provides a reason. Storyline progression & recapping of the previous week’s events? All part of the panel’s analysis of the ongoing situation. Simply by having someone linked to the storyline on the panel or in a featured interview you can recap & progress the story as much as necessary.

Let me put this in the context of another sport that I follow, Formula 1. The show starts with the presenter who introduces us to a panel of experts made up of former drivers. Those experts discuss the previous races, any relevant news and then provide their opinions on what they feel will happen during the race. There is usually at least one pre-filmed interview with either a driver or other significant team member, after which we go back to the panel of experts who will have a discussion reacting to relevant points in the interview. There is also a couple of reporters wandering around the pit lane grabbing brief on-the-spot interviews with whoever they can. Finally, there is another expert in a studio who provides an in-depth technical analysis of previous events.

In a two hour show like Smackdown you could easily have a few segments focused on this, each building up to the next featured match as well as discussing the implications of the previously featured match and anything relevant to the storyline from other recent shows. As a formula, the show could be split into four main segments, around 30 minutes each for the first couple of matches leaving around 45 minutes for the main event segment plus 15 minutes for an in-ring promo (not counting the obvious time-deductions for adverts etc). A three hour show like Raw would have a couple of extra segments. Those 30 minute segments would be split into smaller portions, something like 10 minutes of build up discussion, 15 minutes for the match, then 5 minutes of post-match analysis. I’m not suggesting that formulaic approach be strictly adhered to as it would become far too predictable, but it would be a good guideline to follow.

Going back to my Formula 1 comparison, after the race there is a period of reactionary discussion by the experts, again including on-the-spot interviews and in-depth technical analysis to bring events to a conclusion and close out the show. This is the point where I believe the philosophy should focus on entertainment rather than sport. While the sporting philosophy would be to analyse the main event and have the discussion there & then, the entertainment philosophy is to end on a cliffhanger in order to interest people in the following episode. Despite the fact I believe it should be presented as if it were a genuinely competitive sporting event, I realise that the closing images of the show are possibly the most important in terms of making people want to tune in next week. To accomplish that I believe the end of the main event match up should normally be the end of the show leaving the discussion and analysis of the match to be covered by the panel of experts during the appropriate segment of the next episode.

Over the years, both Formula 1 and Wrestling have been through numerous eras, some of which are looked upon more fondly than others. During the less popular eras, both have always done something to reinvent themselves and stay relevant to as much of society as possible. Formula 1 recently went through a phase where it became extremely predictable and monotonous, causing millions of fans around the world to lose interest. In the past few years it has made significant rule changes relating to the specification of the cars, the structure of the race weekends and the annual calendar in order to improve the entertainment factor. As a result it has gained more fans globally than ever before. It’s still a work in progress, but it is most definitely working and the international ratings prove this.

WWE needs to do the opposite. In the past few years it has focused primarily on being entertainment and ratings have gradually fallen. While they aren’t at an all time low right now, something needs to be done to bring fans back. As the “Sports Entertainment” era has proven unsuccessful, I believe WWE needs to reinvent itself by focusing on the sporting aspect of the show. By presenting it’s TV shows and Pay Per Views as sporting events rather than episodic entertainment, it would make itself more accessible to the casual fan - as well as possibly winning over the sceptics by presenting a more believable product. It would be using an internationally proven formula that is unquestionably successful for all other sporting events.

Most importantly, it would be entertaining.

The Scales of Justice: The Straight-Edge Streak Killer

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The Scales of Justice


Welcome back to another edition of The Scales of Justice, where we strive for balance! (Balance, scales...yeah, humor isn't my strong suit) Let's just move on to the main reason you clicked: you want to see what's going on in my mind.

Since my last column, there's been quite a lot of things on my mind. I'd originally planned a piece on Jack Swagger after his horribly ill-timed arrest, but I realized it'd be 1500 words of me screaming how stupid you are until Ryback sues me for stealing his catchphrase. Then I thought I'd outline what I wanted to see happen at Wrestlemania, but I can't book my way through a match let alone The Granddaddy of them All. So I decided to shut off my mind for a bit and see if I could find something else hot-button enough to inspire another topic. I sat through a somewhat entertaining 'Old School' RAW on Monday, highlighted by the return of The Phenom himself, as well as his apparent new challenger in CM Punk. I've had a little bit of time to sit back and see the comments on both sides of the fence, and it seems no figure in the WWE today is as polarizing on this topic as the one-time leader of the Straight Edge Society.

Maybe you haven't really followed up on what brought this all to fruition. For a little back-story, CM Punk won a Fatal-Four-Way dance on RAW against Randy Orton, Sheamus, and the Big Show for the right to challenge The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 29. I'm a happy fan as I like the passion that Punk brings to the table week in and week out, but there are a lot of detractors not just on our own LOP front page, but on my social media outlets. I've seen it all in the last twenty-four hours, but one thing keeps popping to the forefront of both: CM Punk is not a believable threat to end the Streak because he doesn't look like he could beat up anyone, let alone The Phenom. All I can do is sit back and shake my head.

When I hear the idea of someone not being believable because of their size and/or stature, I can't help but be reminded of the term 'vanilla midget', coined by Kevin Nash. His belief was it didn't matter if you were a technical wizard, no one would take you seriously because you were too small, too boring to do anything but be television filler for the big guys. I'm being told that you can't believe this when time and time again we've seen the unbelievable happen in professional wrestling. Mark Twain once said that “It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.” When you go back and look at smaller-sized champions from all walks of life, they've all had something special that set them apart.

Dean Malenko may never had sold out shows (as I touched on in an earlier column), but he was one of the best technical wrestlers to ever step foot in the ring. Chris Benoit, whether you love or hate the person, had a passion for what he did and sacrificed everything in the ring leave crowds happy. Rey Mysterio has made an entire career on being the little guy to take down giants while being one of the best high-flying Superstars of the '90s and '00s. Eddie Guerrero relied on his mind to compensate for the lack in stature, as did Shawn Michaels with his heart time and time again. You could even make a case for Owen Hart being something standing 'tall' and never living in the shadow of Bret. Why is a guy like CM Punk, who you could truly make a comparison with the gentlemen I just mentioned, somehow shunned as not being worthy of even fighting for the chance to end the Streak, let alone end it just because he doesn't have the 'look'?

From a standpoint of peeling away some of the layers of kayfabe and looking at Punk, why is it such a stretch to believe that a guy who is younger than 'Taker and has been influenced heavily by martial arts, Muay Thai for example, should somehow be discarded because of how he looks? If you would follow that logic to other topics, Brock Lesnar is an actual mixed martial arts fighter and yet has not been able to beat Triple H. Put the layers back and look at the actual history of CM Punk and the Undertaker. Whether by hook or by crook, CM Punk has a submission victory over 'Taker at Breaking Point 2009. Yes, he didn't actually tap out but the record stands nonetheless. Lightning can strike twice in this business, and it very well may again on April 7 at Wrestlemania 29

This may not be the direction that the WWE wants to take in giving Punk even the chance to end the legend of the Phenom, but he truly needs it more so than most people think. For everything CM Punk has done, he is still overshadowed by John Cena, by The Rock, by Triple H. He's fought against the traditional way that the WWE creates Superstars and climbed to heights most men only dream of, but at the end of the day even with a 400+ day reign it's about Cena/Rock or HHH/Lesnar. Punk's reign took a backseat, and he became more of a 'transitional' champion, just as I feel he did when he defeated John Morrison for the ECW Championship or Jeff Hardy for the World Heavyweight Championship. His accolades have largely gone unnoticed until he drops a 'pipebomb' and forces you to take note. Punk is no spring chicken anymore, but neither are any of the previous men listed. This would firmly cement Punk's status among the great performers, and all the WWE needs is to have a little faith in going against being believable.

Speaking of Cena, there are those that clamor for him to be the one to end The Streak, and I can easily see why. He is the face of the business today, he sells the most merchandise and is a company spokesman in all professional aspects of his life. Would John Cena benefit from being that guy though? No Chance in Hell. Cena can truly climb no higher, even with that honor. When you're number one, you can't do anything more but watch your ass and take on those who come your way. Just as I made the earlier comparisons for CM Punk to the likes of a Owen Hart or a Shawn Michaels, John Cena will go down being compared to Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair; true icons of this sport. All Punk needs is a three count to make history.

I'm not one for fantasy booking, but I am one for telling a story. Imagine the promo the next night on RAW after Punk successfully defeats the Undertaker. The boos of the 'Taker fans as well as those who just plain hate Punk mixed in with a cheering at witnessing history right in front of them. Punk wouldn't even have to say anything, he could just bask in it. Channel some Chris Jericho in his return last year and just pander to the cheers and boos, and when he finally does speak he could continue his previous mantras about being 'God' now that he's vanquished the Deadman and saved his soul as well as everyone else's for all time. He's 'The One' now and no matter what he does from then on out he will always be that. That alone could carry him for the rest of his career if done right.

Those of us who grew up in the Attitude Era were shocked at beer baths, Sable giving Marc Mero his own finisher, Mankind flying off of cages onto the floor below or through them. You could not believe your eyes when Mike Tyson turned on DX, Vince McMahon being revealed as the 'Higher Power', or seeing DX drive up to a WCW event and declare war on their company. You can even go earlier in wrestling history to superhuman gimmicks, Anti-American Americans and brightly colored characters you could get behind no matter the odds. It's all about that suspension of disbelief that makes professional wrestling so wonderful for kids as well as adults. Back then every Tuesday at school or college I looked forward to the few conversations about the previous night's RAW or Nitro coupled with 'I cannot believe I saw that!' style comments mixed in. We tune in every week expecting to be amazed, to leave us wanting to come back the next week going through withdrawals and ready for our next fix. When the WWE is running on all cylinders it becomes somewhat of a drug for us; how ironic it is, then, that a guy who promotes being drug-free could be the one to tap our veins and deliver another shot in the arm.

You may think me either crazy or just sipping my own straight edge Kool-Aid, but my scales are telling me that CM Punk will end the Streak.

Until the next tipping point, this is JayJustice.

In Memoriam

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I am sure by now you have heard the news of the passing of William Moody/Paul Bearer. If not, you just have. His passing undoubtedly will be the biggest death for the wrestling world for 2013, and everyone wishes he hadn’t gone so soon, myself included in that group.

It is always sad when someone passes away, especially when they are in your favorites list. I know there is the IWC cliché of adding some points to someone’s score or claiming them to be their favorite. However in my case that is not true, for one reason.

“You can’t improve on the best”

If you’re just going to look at this from a technical stand point, then think about. The job of a manager is to get there superstar over, Paul Bearer got not just one superstar over, but two. And both of those superstars are still in action and incredibly over to this day. That is currently a total of 39 years of success for those two superstars all thanks to William Moody’s great managerial work.

And think about all the things we have thanks to those two stars being over, a whole plethora of incredible matches, some of the most comedic moments of the last year, and so much more.

Sure you can compare him to other great managers from the “Golden era” but think Paul Bearer added more to the character of The Undertaker than any other manager ever would, he gave him a voice, he gave him interest, and he did the same for Kane a few years later. Can you honestly say that these two would have had as good a career if they didn’t have Paul Bearer at their side?

My knowledge of wrestling history generally is pieced together by the WWE games, and various trips to Wikipedia, and I am going to be completely honest with you. I laughed a little bit when I first saw him as Undertakers manager, the pasty skin, the size, the really high voice. However he grew on me and I began to realize how he added to The Undertaker, he added a remotely scary voice and some more light on what happened to make The Undertaker.

Then he brought in Kane, something which I viewed at length on YouTube and played a fair amount of on WWE’13. The story between the three remains one of my favorites to this day, whether it is the original story or the feud from 2010 or any other part I missed, I have found myself entertained and that’s all that really matters, that the viewer is entertained.

There is almost no doubt that the WWE are going to pay tribute to Paul Bearer very soon, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he is added to the Hall of Fame class of this year.

Sure we have seen him die on TV so many times, but it feels strange knowing we are never going to see him walk through that curtain ever again, and it feel bad knowing we are never going to see Kane, Undertaker and Paul Bearer together as a happy, non-dysfunctional family ever on screen, a moment I feel needed to happen on WWE TV at some point before Kane and Taker hung up the boots and retired.

Right now my thoughts are not just with his family, but with his friends, and everyone else that has ever been affected by the greatness that is Paul Bearer.

But my main thought right now is just that I wish he was still here, just so everyone can say goodbye to the greatest manager the business may ever see.

All I have left are these nine words for William Moody.

Rest in Prosperity.
Rest in Power.
Rest in Peace.

A Complete History of the Monday Night War - March 1997

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T.S. Eliot once wrote that April was the cruellest month. Looking back on it with a wrestling fans perspective, the five long weeks of March 1997 might just be crueller still. While the shows weren’t all that memorable, things behind the scenes would evolve at this time with dramatic consequences for the entire wrestling business.

As the month began, the NWO’s power was largely unchecked. Savage had joined with the group, The Outsiders had seemingly gotten away with an automotive attack on The Steiners, and Bischoff had reversed two title changes. With Easy E at the helm, they looked untouchable. That would change soon. The show started with the NWO arriving in a hummer limousine, but shortly after they arrive in their pomp another car, less flashy, arrives behind them carrying Dr. Harvey Schiller, the director of Sports for the Turner Empire.

The show then moves towards a confrontation between Eric and his boss. Jarrett accidentally hit Mongo to cost them another match, this time to Konnan and Hugh Morrus, which is followed by the usual Horsemen hand-wringing. This was followed by the very-over DDP beating Rick Fuller, and Juventud Guerrera going over Rey Mendoza. Dean Malenko beat Mike Enos, and then the moment we’d been waiting for arrived. Mean Gene interviewed Eric Bischoff. Eric calls himself the most powerful man in the wrestling industry. As he tells the fans they all owe him a debt of gratitude for bringing in Hogan, Savage and The Outsiders, Schiller appears behind him. Eric’s hubris melts away as Schiller asks him whether he believes his position means he can act as he has been. As Eric blusters, Schiller drops the axe – until further notice, Eric Bischoff is suspended, and the NWO are no longer in control of WCW! Following this bombshell, hour one would conclude with Eddie Guerrero getting a cheap win over Ultimate Dragon. Malenko reappears during Eddie’s postmatch promo, and the first hour concludes with them shouting in each other’s face in the ring.

During the first match in the second hour (between Wallstreet and Scotty Riggs, won by the latter due to interference by Buff Bagwell) Schiavone tells us that Schiller is reviewing all the documents signed by Bischoff – one of the consequences of tonight is that Piper, as the man most-wronged by Bischoff and the NWO, will be allowed to form a team and join the WCW vs. NWO match at Uncensored. Shortly after Piper arrives at the arena, and heads to the ring wearing a shirt which parodies the NWO, in their colours but bearing the initials I.C.O.N. instead. The fans are into Piper, and have been loud for most of the night, but what happens next kills the shows momentum stone dead.

Piper accepts the offer of forming a team, but rather than just picking guys from the roster says he is going to form ‘a family’ by holding a series of tryouts. He’ll wrestle six guys and, by popular opinion, pick the best of them to form his team. He goes through the first couple of wrestlers before a boxer emerges and the two spar. They fall to wrestling to boos and chants of ‘boring’. Piper tries to elect this guy for his team, but the fans aren’t having any of it, so they have to throw the fans choice element out of the window. A similar thing happens with the next entrant, a kickboxer that the fans don’t take too any more than they had the boxer. Finally John Tenta, who we’ve not seen in WCW for months, emerges and the announcers remind us that he used to be a famous sumo. He fares a little better with the fans and also joins Piper’s team, but there is no doubt that this portion of the show is long, dull, and kills the show’s momentum.

Rey Mysterio beat JL in a short match next, before Madusa appeared on Nitro for the first time in months. She criticises Bischoff, saying that she came to WCW for a purpose but his fascination with the NWO meant that it wasn’t worth her time, nor her throwing the WWF Women’s title in the trash. She says that he should have been fired before she starts talking about other contenders for Akira Hokuto and the WCW Ladies Championship, when Luna Vachon charges the aisle and assaults her. Then the NWO have their weekly session. They may not have power but have recovered their composure, and Bisch and Hogan remind Schiller that he can’t fire Eric because of the personal relationship the two have with Ted Turner. The main event then sees Lex Luger and The Giant against The Steiners. The fans are really into it when the NWO surround the ring. The four stand back to back, Schiavone speculates that they might form the WCW team, and time runs out just as all hell starts to break out.


Piper’s segment hurt the show no-end, and most of the wrestling matches were either short affairs or weren’t connected to any angle. The thing is, though, that they really didn’t need to do much to beat RAW this week. The show offered little to anyone who wasn’t a wrestling purist. For the second time in a few weeks, RAW was international, this time emanating from Berlin in Germany. Production values were once again terrible, and most of the matches on show were cold and unconnected with the larger programme leading to Wrestlemania.

You can tell straight away that we are on different ground. The negative reaction that had started for Bret in the States was completely absent here, and he is the most popular man, by far, on the night. One thing that was never in doubt was Bret’s ability to draw globally. He took on Hunter Hearst Helmsley, bossed the match but, due to clique politicking, wound up losing by DQ after pushing the referee. The musclebound woman, Chyna, emerged after the bell and stared down The Hitman. Vader challenged Rocky Maivia for the Intercontinental title next, but lost on a DQ after Mankind (unnecessarily) interfered.

A recap of ECW on the previous RAW is followed by Lawler on the phone. He is livid that they’ve shown highlights of ECW, says that the WWF wrestlers don’t think any more of the promotion than he does, and issues another challenge for the debut of RAW is WAR next week. Then The Sultan, who was the Samoan wrestler Fatu repackaged as a Middle Eastern wrestler managed by The Iron Sheik, beat Flash Funk. Ahmed Johnson then accepted the challenge of the Nation, but said that he wouldn’t be coming alone. The mystery is then pretty much given away as a recap of the LoD’s re-debut follows, and then some comments from Shotgun Saturday Night in which Hawk and Animal target the LOD.

Mankind delivers a promo in German, before he is defeated by the champion, Sid, in a non-title match. Up next is the main event, which is the final of a tournament to crown the first WWF European Champion. It’s the centre piece of the show, the only match connected to an angle, and probably the only genuinely great WWF match of the year not to feature the talents of either Bret Hart or Shawn Michaels. It begins with a recap from Shotgun Saturday Night. Clarence Mason had helped NoD member Crush to beat Bulldog, and Davey fired him in consequence. Now he wants to know what side Owen is on. The two have a great match which Bulldog wins, but while Owen shakes hands his face falls and he scowls at his brother in law once his back is turned. Putting the strap on Bulldog in Europe helped the title get off to a great start, though. A genuine main eventer only half a year removed from a lengthy programme with the champ, Davey got the title a certain credibility, not least when compared with the IC title, then around the waist of the callow and unpopular Maivia.

Of course, it did the shows rating no good in the long run, and the 3.4 pulled in by Nitro was easily good enough to not just beat, but decimate, the 1.9 rating for RAW. It is hardly surprising – Bischoff getting his comeuppance was always going to draw better than a show that looked bad, with cold matches, and where the main event was ostensibly a heel vs. heel match, however good it wound up being. The man most responsible for booking the WWF product up to this point was Vince McMahon. Like a lot of rich and powerful men, though, he is inclined to blame others for his own mistakes. Following the 1.9, he lambasted his creative team for his own ideas. There was a man in that meeting who was fairly junior. A magazine editor with little actual experience of the wrestling business, he was relatively unconnected with the angles that had been running to this point. He took the opportunity to speak up, validate Vince’s complaints, and suggest a new course of action for the company. McMahon agreed, and from this point on, Vince Russo would be a major creative force in the WWF.

He arrived on the scene at a pretty opportune moment, as the debut of RAW is WAR on the 10th of March saw the WWF’s flagship show officially go to two hours, mirroring the move that WCW had made the previous summer. It also had a new soundtrack, in Marilyn Manson’s ‘The Beautiful People’. If anything, this first show was something of an overcorrection, as there wasn’t a match in the first hour that wasn’t interrupted in some way. The show begins not with a match, as was standard, but with an interview. Sid talks with Jim Ross, but soon his WM opponent and partner for the evening, The Undertaker, gets involved. Their opponents (Vader and Mankind) head down and a brawl ensues, but it finishes with Sid and ‘Taker facing off. Interruptions and mayhem would continue from there. Rocky Maivia would beat a jobber while Bob Backlund, the consultant of the man who would challenge him at Wrestlemania, berated him. A six man tag featuring the luchadors of AAA is interrupted by security ejecting Chyna (though we don’t yet know her name, or much about her), and also by some comments from Brian Pillman about how he’ll be returning to Shotgun Saturday Night. Ahmed Johnson squashed Roy Raymond while the Nation of Domination watched on, and their music played throughout the match. After that, the still-very-popular Ahmed confirmed that at Wrestlemania the Legion of Doom would be his partners. Most of the thousands in attendance joined in as Johnson led a chorus of ‘you’re going down’. Owen and Davey Boy take on the New Blackjacks next, with Owen still playing the jealous angle, interrupting JR as he tries to get a word with Bulldog and also snapping when Bradshaw taunts him. The Blackjacks beat the champs by DQ when the ref can’t get Davey out of the ring. It’s during this match that, after a backstage comment from Taz, Jerry Lawler utters the line ‘he looked a lot bigger on the lucky charms box’ which prompted a heated confrontation a few moments later. A pretty poor match between Leif Cassidy and Miguel Perez concludes the first hour, with the Puerto Rican newcomer getting the duke.

An interview with Ken Shamrock starts the second hour in which it is confirmed that he will be the referee for the Hart and Austin submission match. Austin appears on the ‘tron and taunts Ken, but when Shamrock offers him the chance to back up his words it is Bret who heads to the ring instead. Back in the states, the audience is pretty split, with probably around 70% of the crowd behind Bret but plenty of 3:16 signs in the crowd. Hart plants some of the seeds for his turn, talking about how people had said he’d been crying and naming an overlong list of the people who’d screwed him. After his diatribe and a brief response from Shamrock, Austin appears at the top of the ramp and flips him off before leaving. After this, Honky Tonk Man is still scouting for his next protégé, and appears to be watching Billy Gunn as the returning Texan beat Aldo Montoya. After some words with Mankind (which undo some of the wilder elements of the character and place him, and his relationship with the WWF, in more of a real-world context), Goldust beat Tim McNeany as Hunter, and the now bailed out Chyna, watch on. After the curtain call these two charge the ring, and do a number on Goldie, prompting the terrified Marlena to jump on Chyna’s back in a vain effort to protect her man. Eventually a number of officials get them separated but not before Joanie press slams one of them. The real set piece of the night is a ‘great debate’ between Lawler, and Paul Heyman representing ECW. Lawler is still hot after the incident with Taz, and this one quickly degenerates into name-calling, with Lawler saying that ECW draws 1100 people in a city of 4m, and Heyman says that The King’s kids don’t go by the surname Lawler because they are embarrassed to be associated with him. Eventually Lawler is cornered by half the ECW roster, and when he calls for his friends to help him out, not a single WWF wrestler comes through the curtain, leaving Jerry to hightail it. The main event is something of an anti-climax after this. Undertaker and Sid routinely broke off to fight each other, and it is after a powerbomb from Sid that Vader eventually manages to beat Undertaker. The show ends with Bret hyping the fact that he’ll wrestle Sid for the WWF title in a cage on RAW next week, and that it would be his match with Austin that would be the ‘mania title match.


After a video clip of Hogan and Dennis Rodman in front of the latter’s movie poster, Nitro got underway with Mongo and Jarrett winning their first match as a tag team at the expense of High Voltage, before Piper and his family have some interview time. Piper begins by targeting the WWF, as a response to the comment that there were no one-hipped wrestlers on their shows. Piper says that there is no one hip on their shows, which is why everyone watches WCW. Then he changed tack, and called them liars, pointing out that when he beat the snot out of Goldust at Wrestlemania XII, he only had one hip then. The real purpose of this segment, though, is damage limitation, and soon the Horsemen arrive and offer to take the place of Piper’s family in the upcoming match. There’s some twisted logic which allows Piper to keep his new allies but ditch them in favour of the Horsemen, and all seems to be well.

Prince Iaukea defended the TV title against Squire Dave Taylor, but meanwhile the NWO arrived at the arena. As they made their way in, Michael Wallstreet fell down at the back of the group. It’s very similar to the situation a few weeks previously with Big Bubba, and again no one is sure who is responsible. Eddie Guerrero then beat Jim Powers, with the typical ‘I’ll see you at the PPV’ promo afterwards. Dallas Page continued to give the fans what they wanted next, a quick win punctuated by a Diamond Cutter. Page talks with Okerlund after the match. The subject is Randy Savage, but the interview is hurt by technical problems. The first hour concluded with a pretty straightforward win over Galaxy for Rey Mysterio Jr.

Hour two began with the introduction of Miss WCW Spring Break. When the wrestling resumes, team WCW (Steiners, Giant and Luger) have a tune-up match against The Amazing French Canadiens, Roadblock and Greg Valentine. The result is never in doubt, and it is the big Roadblock who eventually does the job for The Giant. An advert for the WCW hotline seems to suggest that Debra likes listening to it in the bath, before Juventud Guerrera gets beat by Ultimo Dragon. Scotty Riggs mini-push then continued with a DQ win over Jericho. Bagwell interfered again, but both babyfaces fought Buff off, before Gene interviews Madusa in a short and fairly inconsequential segment.

Kevin Sullivan (and has become the norm, Jacquelyn) beat the crap out of Hardbody Harrison, but the match ends up being called a double countout. Sullivan gets a pretty unintelligible interview, before the NWO get their weekly slot. They confirm the rumours that have been flying around all night concerning Rodman, showing a video in which Hogan presents him with his colours. They also hand the colours to Sting, who doesn’t put them on but leaves the shirt laying on his shoulder. The show ends, though, not with the New World Order but with the Public Enemy. They comment on the Horsemen being switched from their match to join Piper’s side. Their match is now not a triangle, but instead a straight tag match with Harlem Heat, and they are not happy about it. The show ends with a brawl when Harlem Heat interrupt their verbal attack on the Four Horsemen.

The new RAW format cut into Nitro’s lead, but just barely. Had they not just had the poor week of the 1.9, then you know that they’d have been unhappy with the 2.3 they had got. As it stood, it still counted as progress as they were nearer to Nitro, even though that rating had also gone up to a 3.5, which is a very solid pre-ppv rating.

Uncensored 1997 managed a 0.89 buyrate, which is pretty decent (although oddly not matching the impressive rate done by Hogan and Vader at Uncensored 1995). The event itself was a good night for the NWO, Hogan beating Luger last to pick up the duke for their team. The upshot of this is that the NWO can now book for themselves any title match where the championship is held by a member of WCW at any time. Bagwell also beat Riggs in their strap match, while Savage and Miss Elizabeth (much happier now Macho Man is in the group) tagged Page and his wife, Kimberley. The NWO didn’t have things all their own way, though, as Sting revealed that he hadn’t joined the group, taking out everyone with the baseball bat and pointing symbolically at Hogan, suggesting that he was coming for him. The US title also changed hands, Dean Malenko beating Guerrero to capture the strap for the first (and, indeed, only) time.


The following Nitro is probably most notable for the announcement that Arn Anderson, WCW mainstay and former WWF Tag champion, had a potentially career-threatening spinal injury. Following a Rey Mysterio victory over Psychosis in the opener, Anderson said that he’d been putting off the surgery until the Horsemen were strong enough to stand without him, and now that was the case. DDP beat Maxx Payne in the second match of the night. He talks with Okerlund afterwards but Savage soon appears, his taunts eventually leading to Page chasing him through the crowd. The rest of the first hour saw Konnan and Hugh Morrus defeat Gomez and the Renegade, Malenko successfully defend his newly won US strap against Scotty Riggs, Lex Luger and The Giant celebrate Sting’s return to the WCW fold after they had despatched Tarantula and Knuckles Nelson, and Ultimate Dragon beat Bobby Eaton in quick fashion. The opening hour closed out with an appearance by the NWO, and after the usual Hogan/Bischoff gloating The Outsiders say they will do The Steiners a favour and put the straps on the line against them at Spring Stampede. Scott Hall gets blasted with a cup in the face to end the first hour; his only reaction is to make sure that his hair is still how he wants it.

The second hour began with Mongo and Jarrett beating Mark Starr and Alex Wright, but Public Enemy head for the ring and end up brawling with the Horsmen. Two NWO wins follow this; Scott Norton, one of a number of WCW wrestlers who have spent much more time in NJPW of late, made short work of Chavo Guerrero, before The Outsiders did the same thing to Mike Enos and Bunkhouse Buck. Next up it’s the turn of the Horsemen to administer a squash, and Benoit demolishes Kidman in near record-time. After the match, Okerlund gets into the ring to talk with Benoit and Woman but Flair makes his way down. Benoit’s comments are forgettable, but Flair targets Piper, saying that, according to those Horsemen who were in the match, the reason they didn’t win was that Piper had dropped the ball. Flair mocks Roddy for his speech from some weeks ago about wanting to go home, and says maybe he should have listened. The main event was Harlem Heat and The Steiners, but as you might expect The NWO attack. They don’t have things their own way, though, as Luger and The Giant head to the ring and WCW overpower the attackers. Sting rappels down from the ceiling and for the second time points his bat symbolically at Hogan. The show ends with Hogan incensed as Buff Bagwell tries to calm him down.

This was all up against the Wrestlemania go-home show, which was almost as one-dimensional as Nitro. Other things happen, but the show is filled with little segments and comments that build towards the events of the last half hour. The night kicks off with the Legion of Doom against Crush and Savio Vega, with Faarooq and Ahmed Johnson banned from ringside. As Ahmed watches on to make sure the leader of the Nation doesn’t try to interfere, he is jumped from behind by his rival, who soon prevents the LoD getting the clean victory by interfering with a nightstick. Once recovered, Ahmed enters the fray and cleans house with a 2x4. Hunter Hearst Helmsley beat Flash Funk next, with an assist from Chyna who also roughs Funk up a little after the bell. A minis match follows, with the babyface minis (Mascarita Sagrada Jr. and Mini-Goldust) getting the win, and a nice response from the crowd too. Bret Hart has some interview time tonight, to build towards the evening’s main event – a steel cage WWF title match with Sid, that Hart had been lobbying for. Bret and Austin are still getting pretty mixed receptions at this point, with most of the audience still just about behind Hart. With this promo out of the way, The Sultan beats Mike Bell while the IC Champ, Rocky Maivia, provides commentary. Sultan and Rocky are about to brawl after the match when Tony Atlas jumps the railing and holds Rocky back. I think it says a lot about Maivia’s position at this point that the only chant you can hear after this is ‘Tony’.

The second hour begins with Shawn Michaels, in front of what sounds like a babyface-friendly crowd. HBK’s reaction is overwhelmingly positive, following on from Bret still getting a good response despite the seeds for his turn being very well planted. The purpose of this promo is to try and undo the damage caused by the ‘lost my smile’ incident. Michaels makes light of it, talks about seeing his knee specialist, and then says that since Vince hadn’t invited him to Wrestlemania 13, he’d have to invite himself. When the action returns, Bulldog and Vader have a good match to set up the tag bout at Wrestlemania which Bulldog wins by DQ when Mankind interferes. Ken Shamrock joined the commentary team, as Billy Gunn then proceeded to beat Aaron Ferguson. Billy, though, is not impressed by Shamrock and calls him into the ring. Despite McMahon’s protestations Ken agrees and quickly teaches him a lesson. Billy first dismisses the takedowns as luck, but is irate when forced to tap-out to the anklelock and leaves irate.

Finally, the main event arrives. It’s an interesting little bout which combines Bret’s experience of the cage match with some Russo booking. The upshot is that whoever wins, their match at Wrestlemania will be for the title, which leads to Austin trying to help Bret, while ‘Taker tries to help Sid. It’s a rather weird stipulation if you try and think about it for too long, but provides some entertainment on the night. In the end, ‘Taker wins the battle with Austin on the outside and, with Bret about to capture his fifth title, slams the cage door on his head to give Sid the win. More significant than this, though, is the aftermath. Vince tries to get a few words with the irate Hitman after the match, but Bret throws him to the floor. While profanity was not unheard of in wrestling at this point, it was almost always bleeped out, but this is live TV and Bret (with official backing, it must be said) delivers a profanity laden promo. Austin appears on the ‘tron and says Bret couldn’t get the job done, but his insulting words have brought Sid back out (the camera picks up him swearing back at Bret), and soon a full on melee featuring Hart, Sid, Austin and Undertaker is underway. Weirdly, Shawn Michaels wanders down and just watches the carnage which continues until the show fades out.

The WWF weren’t able to close the ground on WCW going into Wrestlemania, but both ratings rose slightly. WCW managed a 3.6, while RAW got a 2.4. In ratings terms, this would be the only good news for Vince and company this week. Wrestlemania itself, hampered by a weak midcard, constant reshuffling of ideas, and the absence of Shawn Michaels, saw the event fail catastrophically in commercial terms. Very few people actually shelled out their hard- earned money to see Undertaker defeat Sid to win his second WWF title. Managing a 0.77, it marks the low point in Wrestlemania history and, embarrassingly, was outdrawn (for the only time) by WCW’s Uncensored. The show was almost as big a flop in artistic terms, but was saved by one very special match. Bret Hart and Steve Austin fought in a submission match, the result of which was a Hart win when Austin was judged unfit to continue, passing out in the Sharpshooter. While the match now carries a weight of expectation that I’m not sure any match could live up to, it’s important to ignore that reputation and think about the bout in its own contexts. Not only did it go a long way towards saving the Wrestlemania card, it may even have saved the company because it was the foundation stone for the summer that was about to come.


The following night got underway with a bang. Fresh from defending the tag titles, Owen and Bulldog had to defend them again, this time against The Headbangers. Tensions between the brothers-in-law run throughout the match and eventually boil over, the referee gets pushed and the challengers win by DQ. Owen and Bulldog push at each other and eventually they explode into an all-out brawl, which brings officials down by the barrelful. Owen eventually gets the microphone and challenges Davey to a match for his European title, which is accepted. Up next, Bart Gunn took on Hunter Hearst Helmsley. The crowd are very flat after the previous action and Hunter does not appear to be very over at all at this point. Eventually he wins, albeit with another assist from Chyna. A match featuring some Mexican wrestlers comes next, but is really very secondary to Bret in the back demanding some time to air his grievances. A brief video in which JR talks with Rocky Maivia and Rocky Johnson about the latter saving his son from a three-on-one attack at Wrestlemania leads seamlessly into Flash Funk winning his match against The Brooklyn Brawler. An interview with Shamrock, where he justifies both his decision to stop the Hart vs. Austin match (plus his decision to drag Bret off the prone Rattlesnake) ends the first hour.

A lengthy interview with Bret Hart starts the second half of the show. The myth goes that Bret was turned in one night, but he still gets a lot of support from the fans and there are still signs in the audience lauding him. Austin, though, as definitely pulled ahead in terms of fan support, and Bret will seal that in the next 15 minutes. He begins by apologizing to his fans around the world, before turning and saying he won’t apologize to American fans for anything. He gets on them for cheering anti-heroes like Austin, as well as for supporting Shawn Michaels. It’s a long time to control an audience, but considering the accusation that Bret is terrible with a microphone he does it really well here, eventually building up to the two big lines that really bring about a lot of boos. First he says it is clear that American wrestling fans don’t respect him, but the truth is he no longer respects them too. The big go home line is that they can kiss his ass. This last comment brings out Michaels, who despite stopping the anti-US tirade isn’t received all that positively. He makes a few comments about Bret criticizing him but putting up a façade of respectability, before getting a big reaction by telling Bret to love it or leave it. Shawn makes the point that people have booed him before, but unlike Bret he didn’t get bent out of shape about it (a comment which draws a shout of ‘liar’ from someone in the crowd). A jibe about Bret leafing through his issue of Playgirl magazine leads to Hart attacking HBK from behind, kicking his injured knee, before applying the figure four leglock around the ringpost. McMahon tries to put this over as a disgusting act, but there is no denying that there are some cheers. Bret’s actions the previous night had played a part in Undertaker winning the title, and Sid heads after Bret with his mind on revenge, but Hart wants no part of the big psychopath. He makes his escape quickly, pausing only long enough to flip off the fans. Rocky Maivia beats Leif Cassidy in the next match, but Bret reappears (again, to a mixed reception) and joins the commentators before attacking Maivia post-match. The main event saw Ahmed Johnson take on Savio Vega of the Nation of Domination. Ahmed and the LoD won at the big show the previous night, hospitalising Faarooq in the process, and Ahmed gets a DQ win here when Crush interferes. After the match Ahmed challenged the Nation to a match, the upshot of which is that if he wins they have to disband. The final segment is an interview with The Undertaker, but the Deadman doesn’t say very much of consequence (belt is for the people, won’t lose my edge this time, Mankind will be a tough opponent, etc.) but Paul Bearer appears and says he wants to talk with Undertaker. Mankind, on the titantron, pleads with Uncle Paul not to leave him, as Bearer proclaims that he did it all for The Undertaker. The post-Wrestlemania show concluded on this rather bizarre note.


Nitro continued with the format of everything really building towards one match at the end of the night. Right at the top of the show, the announcement was made that the New World Order were cashing in on their right to challenge for any title, by having the legendary Macho Man take on the rookie TV Champ, Prince Iaukea. While we waited for that, Dean Malenko continued his transition from the guy people shouted ‘boring’ at to one of the most popular guys in wrestling with a win over Konnan. News breaks that after Arn Anderson’s announcement from the previous week, he was attacked backstage – the announcers immediately blame the NWO. Next is the Nitro debut of Mortis. This masked man had wrestled Glacier at Uncensored, and was another example of WCW trying to capitalise on the popularity of the Mortal Kombat games. A feud would begin between the two, but with better wrestling skills, James Vandenberg (TNA’s James Mitchell) by his side, and some almost Wagnerian entrance music, fans immediately warmed more to the heel than to Glacier, cheering wildly as he beat Jerry Flynn here. The wonderful La Parka injected a lot of character into the next match, beating Juventud Guerrera, before a typically dull babyface interview with The Steiners led into High Voltage getting their biggest win to date at the expense of Public Enemy, with an assist from Jarrett, Debra and Mongo’s Halliburton case. The first hour concluded with a Psychosis win over Super Calo, in a short but spot-heavy bout.

Hugh Morrus opened the second hour against Chris Benoit, and won when his Dungeon of Doom stablemates get involved. Kevin Sullivan and company lay a beatdown on Benoit, and bizarrely it is Malenko, the man Benoit will face at Spring Stampede, that runs in before any of Benoit’s supposed allies do. The numbers are too much for Dean and Chris, and eventually the injured Flair as to intervene. He cleans house (which makes the healthy DoD guys look great), but the announcers note that there was no sign of the healthy Horsemen, Mongo and Jarrett. A good tag match follows between Harlem Heat and The Faces of Fear, with Booker and Stevie getting the best babyface reaction since they had turned the previous autumn. Mean Gene invites Flair and Benoit back out to the ramp for some interview time, in which Flair reveals that it was Sullivan, not the New World Order, that had attacked Arn, before Madusa’s mini-revival continued with a win over Malia Hosaka. Jim Duggan got a huge reaction in beating Renegade, The Steiners won a match against The French Canadians to prepare them for the battle they’ll have with The Outsiders, and finally we reach the main event between Savage and Iaukea. As the group make their way to the ring, Kevin Nash makes the clique sign at the camera and offers a shoutout to Shawn Michaels. Iaukea holds his own in the match, but Savage soon takes over, and when he pulls the kid up after a flying elbow that clearly has him beat DDP comes through the crowd. This buys some time, but numbers are too great and the whole group beat up on Page and Iaukea, with Eric Bischoff even getting involved. He hits Page with a karate kick to the head at one point, while Nash goes on jack-knife frenzy. Savage gets the spray paint out and tags the pair to end the night…. although, with a DQ finish, he doesn’t end the night with the TV title.

The night after Wrestlemania saw only the slightest bump for the WWF, as RAW moved up by 0.1 to a 2.5 overall. If you were to look at the positives, though, you’d see a continual build throughout the month as the rating gradually improved. Not only that, but this represented a much higher percentage of the fans watching wrestling on this night, as the Nitro audience plummeted to a flat 3.0. While this Nitro wasn’t too bad, the weak showing the night after Uncensored seems to have hit them here.

The following RAW was, looking at it in hindsight, really anchored around Bret Hart. It began with a video of his previous weeks comments and the announcement that he’d challenge Rocky Maiva for the IC title. There was also some speculation about The Undertaker reuniting with Paul Bearer, before the strong opener of Bulldog vs. Owen for the Euro title. With the feud reaching its climax, this one replaces the great wrestling of their tournament final encounter with violence, and as it finally comes to a head the referee is bumped and a chair enters proceedings. It is at this point that Bret runs in and breaks apart the warring tag champions. Grabbing a microphone, he blames American fans for the troubles the Hart family have had since 1993. He addresses Bulldog first, mentioning how they had fought at Wembley, and how they had hugged when Bulldog had won, before immoral Americans had turned them against each other. The real highlight comes when he talks with Owen. Given their history, his brother is more hostile, but plays it brilliantly, and the promo builds to Bret telling his brother that he loves him. The boos when the brothers embrace are amazing, and it is a perfectly played heel promo. Bret has committed two palpable Attitude era sins – he has broken up a fight, and has shown some genuine emotion. When Owen breaks down and grabs his brother, the crowd are as hot as any wrestling crowd since Bash at the Beach.

Next up is a match between AAA stars El Mosco and Super Nova. The former wins, but this is more notable for Jerry Lawler coming close to bawling his eyes out at the Hart family reunion, and guest commentator Sunny mocking Vince McMahon for his poor spelling before joining Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinivich at the Spanish announcers table. A forgettable LOD promo (based around them winning the tag straps at IYH 14) leads into the Honky Tonk Man joining the commentators, for a match between Jesse James and Jerry Fox. The future Roaddogg comes to the ring with a six year old ‘guest manager’ before getting rid of his jobber opponent to little fan reaction. Honky gets into the ring after the win, says that James is the man he has been searching for and offers him his vintage guitar. James, with a tedious inevitability, smashes it to smithereens. Crush and Savio Vega beat a couple of jobbers next (with the real focus being HBK on the phone saying that he’ll be there next week with some words for Hart), before a lengthy Ken Shamrock video (and the announcement that he’ll have some sort of no holds barred challenge next week) wind up the first hour.

Paul Bearer attempts to snare The Undertaker in the second hour, but after a feint that The Deadman will present his former manager with the WWF title he attacks him. Mankind appears from under the ring and throws fire in his eyes, and it is only his Wrestlemania opponent, Sid, that saves him from the devastation. With news that the champion may have been blinded, HHH and Goldust enter the ring with news that both of their seconds have been banned from ringside. Predictably, Hunter’s lady arrives and this gives Goldust a DQ win, although Chyna ends up staring down The Bizarre One. Next up is the first Steve Austin interview post-Wrestlemania. It’s an interesting one because Bret Hart interferes as he is being slammed by The Rattlesnake and pretty successfully refutes a lot of Austin’s points about Wrestlemania, but there is no doubt that Austin is tapping into something in the popular mood. He arrives to a lukewarm babyface reception, and leaves to a fairly strong one. The main event is then Bret against Rocky, and is actually a very nice TV match that, had it had a more natural conclusion, may have gone on to be a bit of a minor classic. However, Bret gets frustrated with Rocky’s resistance and gives up on the title, clapping the ringpost figure 4 on Rocky in much the same manner he had on Michaels the previous week. Austin runs down to save the young champion, but Bulldog and Owen run down and the numbers game gets the better of Stone Cold. Before things can get too bad, the Legion of Doom run out to save Steve, with the Harts fleeing through the crowd to end the show.

A quick word about this match - in his book, Bret suggests that Hunter and Michaels actually wanted him to take the IC title from Rocky, mainly due to Hunter's insecurity concerning the man that Vince was clearly very high on. Now, I've not seen support for this elsewhere and I'll usually not include something if I've only got one source for it, but I'll mention it here for three reasons. First, Michaels and HBK were known to essentially rewrite huge segments of shows as they saw fit at this point. Secondly, when Hunter and Rocky were in the main event together, there were constant rumours that there was legitimate heat between the two men. Thirdly, while there is no other evidence concerning this one event, the idea of Hunter's insecurity has been raised by many other stars. All circumstantial evidence, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it given how important both men will be. You can make your own minds up.


Meanwhile, while Raw was centred around Bret, Nitro was organised around the idea that there was dissention in the ranks of the NWO. A greatly reduced version of the group (sans Bischoff, Hogan, and Hall, amongst others) arrived at the arena, before the opener saw Luger and The Giant beat Rick Fuller and Roadblock. Harlem Heat attack at the should-be champs at the break and get a heel reaction as they talk with Mean Gene about the four corners tag match at Spring Stampede. A match from the tournament to crown a WCW Womens Crusierweight champion is next, with Toshie Uematsue of GAEA getting a win to progress before Psychosis beat Villano IV (who had lost to Juventud earlier this month under the name Ray Mendoza). Mean Gene invited Flair out next, and after a few words to a huge reaction Roddy Piper joins them. They don’t say very much, but they don’t need to. Ten years after their prime these are still two of the most magnetic characters in wrestling and with them both on screen together they draw the attention so easily. The whole purpose is to undo some of the damage done by Piper’s recent segments, and Flair invites a woman into the ring who ‘loves Hot Rod’ before convincing Piper to go out partying with him. Steven Regal is up next, and blames his loss of the TV title on ‘the dwarf’ Rey Mysterio, but contrives through his arrogance to lose to Chris Jericho. After the match, and in a rage, Regal beats down not only Jericho, but half the babyface roster, including Joe Gomez, Renegade, Billy Kidman, and Lenny Lane. I can’t think of a time in wrestling where Regal will appear quite so dominant.

The second hour of Nitro begins with Mike Tenay speculating that the absence of NWO members, which has caused problems throughout the night with Nash and those footsoldiers who are present (including Scott Norton and Wallstreet), is due to a movie premiere connected with Rodman. Akira Hokuto then beat Debbie Combs in the 2nd women’s match of the night. Madusa has some interview time after this match but is jumped from behind by Hokuto, which leads in to the Amazing French Canadians against Mongo and Jarrett. The Public Enemy soon appear and there is a proportional response from the previous week, with the Horsmen suffering similar loss to the one inflicted on PE by High Voltage. Benoit beats Hugh Morrus next, but predictably with a Horseman and Dungeon member in the match it soon descends into a brawl which is followed by a piss-poor Horsemen interview which is misguidedly dominated by Benoit.

Moving into the final phase of the show, DDP beats Lance Ringo before the obligatory interview shot with Mean Gene. This segment mostly revolves around how Page is proud that his wife is in playboy until Savage and Liz interrupt from up in the crowd. After a bit of verbal sparring, Page says he’ll bring the lady, and that Savage can bring the tramp. Macho looks livid, but Liz doesn’t react anywhere near like what you’d expect. This heads in to the main event, a tag bout between The Steiners and High Voltage. Obviously Scotty and Rick win, and just as the show is winding down Nash and his cronies invade the announce position. They excuse Scott Hall, saying he is taking care of more important things (and the likelihood is that he was already missing shows because of his drink and drug problems), but accuses other members of the group of putting fame before taking care of business. The former Big Daddy Cool is pissed at Hogan and some of the others, but the show also finishes with Nash saying he’ll fight WCW by himself if he needs to. The month of March would wind down with the potential for a four way power struggle in the Atlanta company – Horsemen, WCW, Hogan’s group and Nash’s faction.

When the ratings came in, there would have been celebrations all round. Bischoff would have been celebrating, because the gap between the two shows had actually increased. Nitro had rebounded considerably and posted a 3.4, quite an improvement on the night after Wrestlemania. The WWF wouldn’t have been too disheartened, though; not only did the shows rating improve once again, meaning it went up every week in March, but eventually averaging to a 2.7 this gave them their best showing since the night after Summerslam. After almost seven long months, there was finally a genuine reason to be cheerful.

At the start of the month, things had looked bad for the WWF. The picture still wasn’t perfect, but now they had the top heel in America on their roster, and things were looking up a little bit. This would just be the first step towards a memorable summer.

Characters Welcome

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What up guys? Long-time no chat. DaShee is here to drop his once a year piece and after getting the urge to actually write something I thought I better not fight it!

I was quite sad to see Paul Bearer had passed away. He was one of the originals from back in the day, a true product of the WWE vintage era. He was a type of character which, the more I think about it, has become a little lost in today’s product. When I say character I talk about the likes of Papo Shango, the Bezerker, the Warlord and King Kong Bundy; the guys who didn’t use the names on their birth certs!

Back in the 80s, the wrestling product had very strong protection surrounding what went on behind the scenes. WWE, leading on the tradition of the business, fought very hard to keep storylines as real as possible both inside and outside the ring. You would not see Roddy Piper and Hulk Hogan holding hands in public and then battering the hell out of each other the next night on TV. Oh no sir. WWE put months and months of effort into safeguarding their inventions and even though most fans probably had a realistic sense that this was probably all scripted, WWE were still able to plant those little seeds of doubt in the fan’s mind from time to time.

Paul Bearer was a character, designed as a mouth piece for the initially lesser spoken Undertaker. Straight off the bat, you could probably have guessed the name “Paul Bearer” was a either a gimmick or the most fortunate co-incidence in history. With a pale white face contrasted by his soot black hair and moustache, Paul struck an eerie disposition that well suited the Phenom he accompanied. The voice, the ghastly facial expressions, the inanimate urn, the morbid bible like preaching’s: all a product of the vintage WWE mind set.

He had a pretty broad stint in WWE when you think about. They really started getting him on the mic in the mid to late 90s and that made for some pretty interesting storylines surrounding Taker, Kane and Mankind. I’m sure I’m not the only one who marked out just a tad when he re-introduced the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 20. (pity about the ensuing match). And behind the scenes through it all, the real life William Moody had overcome great personal struggles by undergoing a gastric bypass and losing a whole lot of weight. I remember reading a WWE magazine about 10 years back where he talked about walking out to and fro the ring being his only source of exercise at one point. The trimmer Paul Bearer we saw in most recent years was very much a testament to the hard fought struggle he endured to control his personal life.

I’ve watched a lot of older WWE footage or as much as I’ve been able to get a hold of but I guess I really started watching wrestling around late 92 or early 93, right before Wrestlemania 9. This is where I begin to really see the importance of characters like Paul Bearer. As a 7 year old, I watched WWE and saw these characters. In all my naivety I probably believed they were true. As the years went by I began to realise wrestling is fake or scripted or whatever handle you want to hang on it but my interest never feigned.

Today, as a 26 year old sitting at my desk, minimizing this word doc every 30 seconds in case my supervisor sees me, I have to ask myself why do I still watch wrestling? Do I enjoy it? Of course I do. I’ll bitch away about it, hell we all will, that’s what places like the CF were invented for but I watch today because I still remember these characters from way back when. If a grown man had never heard of WWE and watched RAW for the first time tomorrow, would he be hooked? Maybe, maybe not but I would say the average man would find it difficult to take it seriously.

That is why Paul Bearer and the boys back then were important. As kids we believed them and as adults we wanted to believe them. If we were willing to look past whether wrestling was real or not then we were willing to give these guys a chance. And I would challenge any reader who was under 10 at the time to tell me he/she wasn’t the least bit freaked out by Paul Bearer and the Undertaker putting a guy in a body bag after defeating him. (They even did this for a while when Taker was face and fans cheered. How messed up is that when you think about?)

I suppose, to get to the point of this piece, I’m asking how much of your wrestling fandom do you owe to characters like Paul Bearer? I would personally have to say “a lot”.

These days we still have characters but they are much more personality driven. Instead of the Honky Tonk Man you have “Damien Sandow” who merely gets on the mic and insults the crap out of everyone. He is still a viable talent of course but there is little to go on visually. This is certainly the right move for 2013. Whereas the Undertaker will still get a huge reaction from WWE fans, I doubt WWE could bring in the “Crocodile Hunter” in the morning and get the fans to go for it.

It’s not for want of trying because we still see a Boogeyman come along and get half a degree of success. But we also see a Tensai enter the frame and, well, I’ll leave you decide how serious fans still take the Tensai character. (Whatever happened that little guy that used to follow him around?) Times have changed and a lot of the next big WWE stars will quite simply have a normal name, wear normal attire and the personality will do the rest.

The idea of the character is not totally obsolete; in fact I’m quite interested to see how this Fandango dude plays out. A talented wrestler no doubt but if that ‘character’ gets any measure of success above the mid-car I would be very surprised indeed.

Will the day of the character ever dominate WWE again? Maybe. The landscape is very different to what it was 10 years ago and 10 years from now should bring even more change. But will Kofi, Dolph and Sheamus keep today’s 8 year olds interested when they’re in their 20s? Only time will tell. The likes of Paul Bearer certainly kept me hooked!

In closing I am glad to say that I was terrified of Paul Bearer the first time I saw him and will remember him fondly when I look back at wrestling in years to come.

RIP Paul Bearer

See you next year guys!

Shee
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